


Patient 01649

by Rage_of_Nemesis



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-14
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-02-25 09:47:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 50,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2617388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rage_of_Nemesis/pseuds/Rage_of_Nemesis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He just wanted to be let alone and live his miserable life at this miserable place, locked away from the world. Was this too much to ask for? Obviously, because this strange, white haired guy won't leave him alone. AU, please read and comment Rated M for dark themes. First FF on this website</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Kuroshitsujji or the characters and I don't make any profit with this story.

This is my first story on this website! (I usually use fanfiction.net and this story is published there already) I recently watched the horror game Outlast and it inspired me to this nice little story. I've finished it already, there are about 90 pages, I just need to proofread it, so please review if you like the story, then I'll do that faster.

Anyway, as you probably already guessed this is an asylum AU. First try with this kind of story. Will be dark at the beginning. Eventually GrellxUndertaker (big surprise). Sorry for spelling/grammar mistakes.

Disclaimer: I don't own BB, the characters and several other things I will mention later

Patient 01649

Day 1

Grell Sutcliff entered the room, a wide smile gracing his face when he sat down on a couch and threw his long, red hair back. The smile didn't fade, but got a little weaker when he saw a strange man in front of himself, rather young and professional looking.  
"Good morning! Where is doctor Turner?"  
The man pushed his glasses up.  
"He is occupied with a new patient, so I will take care of you from now on. My name is Dr. Spears. So, Mr. Sutcliff, how are you today?"  
Grell threw his hair back and looked at him in a slightly flirty way.  
"I'm very fine, now that such a handsome man as you is here...although I'd prefer being called Miss."  
The man called Spears frowned lightly.  
"Miss Sutcliff, I read your file and I know that you're far from feeling 'very fine'. Let me ask more directly: Are you feeling like yesterday or worse?"  
Grell's face fell immediately. He didn't want too many people to know what really happened inside him. He preferred to act like he was a happy, lighthearted person, too many people had laughed at him when he had told them how he really felt and that really didn't make anything better. Still, everyone at this place seemed to know it, it seemed like his attempts were useless. Maybe he should give up his facade, it was tiring and in the end he had to accept the truth...  
"Worse. I'm feeling worse", he said therefore and Dr. Spears nodded slowly and wrote something onto the terminal board on his knees.  
"May I see it?", Grell asked. He was wondering if this man was different from Dr. Turner, who hadn't been able to help him. Maybe the man with the glasses could? Said man hesitated a little before handing his board to the redhead.

Patient number: 01649  
Full name: Grell Sutcliff  
Gender: Male  
Date of birth: 12.2.1927  
Current Age: 24  
Date of admission: 4.9.1948  
Diagnose: Chronicle, hard depression (daddy issues); confusion concerning his gender  
Therapy: Escitalopram (Lexapro), Mirtazapine (Remeron); speech therapy  
Special information: Patient is potentially suicidal, tried to commit suicide two times already. He should not have access to sharp things to stop him from harming himself.

Then there was a list with dates of this year and Dr. Turner's notes to them. The newest one was by Dr. Spears: Patient tries to act happy first, but then says that he's feeling worse. Maybe he should get new drugs?

Grell pressed his lips together and handed the other man the sheet of paper back. Patient. He was addressed as patient, like a dog. But in the end, was he better, was he worth more? He had to admit that this was ironic. The people here wanted him to believe that he was not a loathsome piece of dirt that deserved to die, but in the end they made him feel even more like that.  
"Miss Sutcliff?", Dr. Spears interrupted his thoughts. His voice was soft. Grell looked up from his wrist that was bandaged again, still biting his lip with his unusually sharp teeth.  
"Yes?"  
"We really want to help you. I hope you know that."

When the little redhead left the room, he had a headache again. He could use an Aspirin or something like that, but they wouldn't give him any without a letter from his doctor. Six months ago, when he had still been able to simply go and ask for painkillers, he had done that every day and collected them to swallow them all at once. Obviously he had been found before it had been too late.  
He went to the big dining room slowly. The designers had tried to make the room look friendly and happy, so the walls were yellow and full of paintings, the long tables were light green and the chairs blue. It just helped to worsen his headache.  
Crossing the room and heading for his usual place in the corner, he passed lots of other patients. Leroy Gallener heard voices telling him to do terrible things. Peter Sandler whispered things about his dead family all the time. Anthony Dervish thought he was being followed and they wanted to kill him. And there were so much more...  
He sat down, pulled one leg up and hugged it closely, facing the ground. Finally he could have some peace, without being forced to answer questions that he didn't like, think about things that made him feel worse and tell of his childhood that made him feel afraid and worthless. Finally he could -  
There was a low sound and someone sat down at the other side of the table. Grell looked up. The man's hair was nearly as long as his own one, but a shining silver, although he didn't look old. Twenty five to thirty maybe. Grell had never seen him before. He had placed a tablet with food on the table, but didn't touch it. Instead he looked at the redhead, smiling widely and showing perfect white teeth.  
"Um...hello?", Grell said after a while, unsure what this stranger wanted here. He just wanted his peace, was this so difficult?  
"Hello, Grell."  
The other man frowned deeply.  
"Why do you know my name?"  
"Oh, I just know. Are you hungry?" Grell took a closer look at the strange man. His eyes were hidden by bangs of nearly white hair and he was deathly pale, his features were handsome though, only influenced by a scar running over his face. You could call him a mysterious beauty.  
"No", he answered finally, but at the same time his stomach grumbled, what caused the white haired man to chuckle.  
"You are. Here, take mine and I'll get new food. Don't worry, I didn't poison it."  
He stood up elegantly and walked to the art of the room where you could get food while Grell's face darkened. I would welcome every deadly poison you could offer, he thought and looked at his meal. It was a piece of meat with potatoes and a mass that smelled and looked strange. He decided to rather not eat it. When the fork with one of the potatoes was about to touch his lips, the man came back and sat down again, having a new tablet.  
"I suppose you're new here, Mister, so I'll tell you: I prefer to eat alone."  
Don't even try to make friends, they will just use you and throw you away like the worthless piece of garbage you are, his daddy had always said. Grell knew he was right. He was garbage. Besides he had been hurt enough, he didn't want to endure even more pain. However, his comment was ignored  
"Go ahead, eat! We don't want you to starve, mh?"  
"Yeah...of course not."  
He eyed his meal again, but then started to eat, earning a satisfied nod. When his plate was empty apart from the mass, he stared at the man again who finished his meal too in that second and pet his tummy.  
"Ah, that was good."  
"It was okay, compared to the stuff they usually serve. So...you know my name, but what is yours?"  
"I was called many names already, but you can call me Undertaker."  
Grell pursed his lips. He'd like to never call him any name at all and never see him again too.  
"Undertaker? How come?"  
"I am a mortician and somehow people forgot that I have a name at all. Maybe I did too."  
"I see. Alright, Undertaker, I'll go then, I'm rather tired. Farewell."  
He jumped up before the other one could say something, brought his tablet back and walked to his personal room to sit down on his bed and pull his legs close again.  
What a strange person this had been! On the other hand...who at this place wasn't. Anyway, he'd probably never see him again and continue his life in here like in the last three years. He lifted his mattress up and took the razor blade from under it. He had found it some days ago, a sister must have lost it. Unwrapping his right wrist, he crossed his legs. This was what he waited for every day. For a few moments, the pain in his guts that made him want to bend over and cry would disappear. His father had always said that he deserved pain and hatred. This might be true, but he just had to do it.  
"I'm sorry, daddy", he whispered and ran the razor blade across his wrist. The wounds opened again immediately and soon blood was running down his wrist and dropping to the ground.

When he was done, he washed the razor in the small sink in the corner of his room and hid it again before bandaging his wrist anew. If they found out the cuts were fresh, they would search in his room again and take the razor away.  
Feeling a little lighter now, he leaned back and against the wall.

I hope you liked it, please review!


	2. Day 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still don't own the characters. Oh, and neither the text Grell reads out. It's from the song "I have a right" by Sonata Arctica. A great one, by the way, check it out.

Day 2

"Miss Sutcliff, would you tell me what you can read here?", Dr. Spears asked the next day.  
"It says 'I have a special right to grow up and to develop spiritually and physically in a healthy and normal way, free and with dignity. I have the right to love and understanding. My parents have special responsibilities for my education and guidance. I should be taught peace, understanding, tolerance and friendship among all people.'"  
"Yes. Now tell me: Did you grow up in a healthy and normal way? Did your parents respect you and did they prepare you for a successful life?"  
Grell shuffled on his seat. This was a dangerous question. He knew that the way he grew up wasn't like most people did, but his daddy had always told him it was right and deserved...  
"I grew up in a way my father thought was a good way."  
"What a well chosen answer. Tell me, what happened every day when you were younger?"  
This was easy.  
"My father beat me up."  
"Yes. He hurt you. Physically, I mean."  
"He did."  
"Did you enjoy that?"  
"Why should I have?"  
"Do you think a father should do that?"  
"Not every father, but it was right of my father to do this. Because I deserve nothing else."  
"What did you feel when he died?"  
"I was sad."  
The Doctor sighed and stood up.  
"I think we can't make progress today. We'll try it again tomorrow."  
No progress today? There had been no progress in the last three years.  
Grell stood up and combed his hair with his fingers before leaving and going to lunch like every day. Only today, there was a person sitting at his desk. What the...?  
"As I said, I prefer to eat alone."  
"Yeah, I know. I brought your lunch here already", Undertaker said and pointed at a plate with spaghetti and a tomato sauce with grey pieces in it.  
"Uh...looks...good."  
He gave up and sat down at the table to try his food. It wasn't exactly what you would call good. Suddenly he frowned. Until now, Undertaker hadn't asked him why he was here, usually this was topic number one here. At least one thing people could talk about.

They ate in silence for a while until Grell looked up.  
"Do you have Dr. Turner now?"  
"Yes."  
"And? Why are you here?"  
Undertaker leaned back and grinned.  
"Ah, that should not bother you."  
Now Grell got indeed curious. This man wasn't like most of the other psychos here, he wasn't sitting in a corner and swinging back and forth, talking to his clothes or staring at the wall all the time...or bandaging his wrist.  
"Okay, then...I have to go."  
And I want some time alone. Without you.  
"Ah, what a pity. It's quite boring in here."  
"Boring?"  
"Yes. The talks with the doctor are tiring and the books are so...lowbrow. What do you all day?"  
"Well...I eat breakfast in my room, pay the nice doctor a visit, eat lunch and the res of the time I sit in my room and..."  
He looked at his wrist unknowingly and Undertaker clicked his tongue.  
"Doesn't sound like a nice new hobby for me. Seems like I have to read the books then."  
"Fine with me."  
He stood up and went to his room like yesterday to do the same as yesterday, only then it didn't really help. That's why he pulled his shirt up and ran the razor across his chest. It had so much scars already that it wouldn't matter anyway. In the end, he still didn't feel better, though. He lied down on his bed and looked at the ceiling, his headache forming again.  
"This man is really weird", he muttered to himself. But there were worse kinds of weird people.  
After a while he stood up again and decided to read too.


	3. Day 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.  
> Can you leave me a comment if there's away for me to have my words in bold, underlined or italic? Thanks.

Day 3  
The next day he was greeted by bright sunlight falling through the window. What a great shitty day. After breakfast and another session without progress, he was not surprised to find Undertaker at his table. While he sat down, a guard at the other side of the room leaned down to his colleague.  
“Sutcliff is eating with him again.”  
“Yeah, I know. Do you think that's good for the redhead?”  
“I have no idea. But it can't get worse, after all...”

“And? Was your day boring?”  
“Yes. I thought we could possibly go to the garden? Better than sitting in here all day...”  
Grell frowned.  
“I don't want any friends.”  
“I never said we should be friends. I merely offered company. But, if I may ask, why?”  
“Because I don't deserve friends.”  
“I see. Then what do you deserve?”  
“Being unhappy. Lonely. Getting beaten up.”  
“Well...if that is what you really want, I can't help you. Although I don't think that this is what you deserve. I think you deserve the opposite of it. But there's no need to discuss this, I don't want to be your friend anyway.”  
Grell crossed his arms.  
“Fine with me.”

He really shouldn't have said yes to this. Really. Why was he doing this?! He was acting against what his father had taught him - he was worth nothing and he should be treated like that. His father had always wanted a daughter, a little girl he could pamper, but he got Grell instead. That's why he always acted like a woman when he grew up and at one point decided to be one. As far as that was possible.  
But maybe...maybe his father had been wrong? He winced at the thought. No. This was impossible. He would take more distance after this...excursion.  
They sat down on a bench, Grell sitting on the rim to be as far away from him as possible, and looked at a garden with all kinds of flowers. He had to admit it was beautiful and for a moment he nearly forgot his sadness and the steady depression. It was not like he would sit in his room and cry, though, no, he was far beyond this. On good days he felt like he was dead, feeling nothing anymore, on worse days he cut. On the really bad days he wanted to kill himself.  
“What is your favourite flower?”, Undertaker asked after a while, long, slender fingers playing with a little branch next to the bench. Grell had to think about this. There were many flowers, some beautiful, some strong, but only the rose combined the two things. Red had always been his favourite colour because it was female, so he answered: “Red roses. What about you?”  
“White lilies. They are the flowers of the death.”  
“Uh, mortician, I remember. Did you like your job?”  
At these words, Undertaker's eyes started to sparkle, although Grell couldn't see it.  
“I loved it! That was always the job I imagined for me.”  
“Even when you were a child?”  
“Especially then. Bury all the bad people and make them never come back again.”  
“Bad people? You're talking from experience?”  
“I do. Although that's nothing for a nice afternoon chat.”  
Grell sighed annoyed. Yes, why was he here? They were talking about nonsense and Undertaker was not willing to tell anything about his past. Grell should rather go and get some rest. That's why he stood up without another word and walked to his room quickly to fumble for his razor blade. He was really in need to do this and practically ripped the bandage down to cut and treat his skin. He started to feel numb again and welcomed the warm feeling. Yes...this was all he needed. His father wouldn't have approved of that, some things he did weren't what he would have wanted. Like cutting. Or acting like he was carefree although he was depressed, so people wouldn't make fun of him and hurt him with that.  
He was just about to cut another line when he heard a soft knock and the door opened immediately. Undertaker stepped in, sat down at a chair next to the bed and stared at Grell who looked back and forth between the weird man and the blood dropping from his arm.  
“U-Undertaker!”  
“You left so sudden. Did I say something wrong?”  
“No...I...I just wanted to be alone.”  
He placed the razor on his knee and wrapped the bandage around most of his under arm before looking at the other man again, this time unsurely.  
“You are...um...not going to take it away from me? I mean my...my razor blade?”  
Undertaker pursed his lips lightly and shook his head.  
“No. That's your business. I don't approve it, but if it helps you...”  
The redhead blinked a few times, surprised by the answer.  
“Then...thank you, I guess.”  
He finished his bandage and leaned back to look at Undertaker, not sure what to say. On one hand he wanted to sit here alone like always, but on the other one, Undertaker wasn't that bad company.  
Yes, he isn't. Do you think you deserve this? No. You are rubbish. Dirt. And you need to be treated as such, he heard his father's voice in his head and winced hardly.  
“Is everything alright?”  
“Y-Yes...yes.”  
“Mh...tell me, Grell, what are you good at?”  
He wanted to answer 'nothing', but then thought about the question further.  
“Well, I...I guess I'm good at acting. I spend most time of my life acting...”  
“Acting? Sounds interesting. What about a little example?”  
A sexy smile graced his face within a second and he stood up to straddle Undertaker's lap who started to grin too.  
“Hello, my Undie-darling! Mh...what a handsome man you are.”  
Saying this, he ran a hand up Undertaker's chest that was all strong and muscular and up to his face, fingers stroking his cheeks. With a swift motion he pushed the bangs up that hid the white haired man's eyes and - nearly gasped. Said eyes were...awesome. Yellow-green, sparkling and unbelievable seductive. Grell collected himself quickly and went back to his usual, calm expression while sitting down on his bed again.  
“Satisfied?”  
“Indeed. You are very talented.”  
“...thank you. Undertaker? Could you leave me alone now? I'm rather tired.”  
“Of course. Didn't you sleep well?”  
“I do nearly never.”  
“Oh, what a pity...can I do anything for you?”  
“No!”, Grell's answer came hastily. The sooner he was able to sleep a little and not be forced to think about things he didn't like, the better.  
He removed the plain white shirt and grey pants everyone here wore, when Undertaker had left. No black for the patients, it was too 'depressing'.  
Grell's dream was weird. It was his first school day again and he stood there, in worn-out clothes and with an equally old, red bag, being so shy and unsure. This part was imaginable and it had happened like that eighteen years ago. But then his father was there suddenly, smiled and said: “I'm proud of you Grell.”  
Only this one sentence. His real father would have never said anything like that and he certainly never looked at him as caring, loving as the father in Grell's dream did.


	4. Day 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God, I'm so sorry!! I was really busy with school, I hope you can forgive me. Thank you a lot for the kudos, by the way.

Day 4  
He slept until the morning and was still thinking about it when he dressed in fresh clothes. No, his father had not loved him, but it had been right this way...right? He suddenly asked himself what made him different from the other children that came to school that day. They had all been young, innocent and simply children, so how had his father been able to justify the fact that Grell was worth nothing? He had once answered this question: It's nothing you did, Grell. It's your pure existence.  
With his headache worsening, he pushed away the inappropriate thoughts.

“I am confused”, Grell answered to the question Dr. Spears asked him the next day.  
“Confused? How do you mean that?”  
“It's the new patient, Undertaker. He always wants to eat with me and yesterday he even followed me to my room. I told him I wanted to be alone, but he didn't really care...”  
“Maybe he is bored and wants company? In here aren't many people you can talk to in a normal way.”  
“Mr. Spears? Do you know why he is here?”  
The older man adjusted his glasses before answering.  
“I do know, but I am not allowed to tell you. It seems like you are curious? That's better than nothing.”  
It was true. Usually Grell didn't care about anything but what his father had wanted and about his little 'rule breaks'.  
“I...I think so.”  
“I think you should spend more time with him. That's not an order, it's an advice. Contact to other humans is good in most cases and a friend-”  
“I don't want any friends!”  
“Because you think you deserve none, I know. But tell me why. What makes you different from other people, from me? You are not a bad person, Miss Sutcliff.”  
"I simply am worthless!"  
“And why?”  
Grell looked down and chewed on his lips. Oh how he hated this topic.  
“Because my father said it?”  
“Yes. But he was only one person. There are much more who think that you're not.”  
“I don't want to talk about this anymore! Nobody ever liked me and no one ever will, and that's right that way!”  
Dr. Spears wrote a few things onto his board before nodding and letting Grell leave. He just hoped that the contact to Undertaker would lead to something good for the poor little creature, because acceptance and love of whatever kind was what he needed most.

Grell stomped to the dining room and sat down across from Undertaker, arms crossed.  
“You seem displeased.”  
“I am displeased! This stupid doctor always forces me to hear things I don't want to hear. What are you doing here anyway? Why do you always come so soon?”  
“Well...it seems like doctor Turner is not all too happy with being around me and I guess he thinks I can't be helped anymore.”  
Grell lifted an eyebrow while throwing his pills into his mouth and swallowing them. They had raised the dose again.  
“You still don't want to tell me what you're doing here?”  
“No.”  
“Why am I even talking to you, you won't tell me anything about yourself anyway and in here are nearly no other topics...”, he muttered, thinking of Doctor Spears' words.  
“Oh, I can tell you something about myself, that's no problem at all! I get bored easily, but I love laughing. My favourite colour is black, so it's tiring that the horrible clothes here are so fair. I love cookies. I work out three times a week. Do you want to know anything else?”  
“How old are you?”  
“28. Now you, what is your favourite colour?”  
“Red.”  
“Age?”  
“24.”  
“How cute. What were your hobbies before you came here?”  
“Oh...I...I had none, I guess. Had no time for that. I always cooked for my father and me, though, and I quite liked that. Did never show it, he would have forbid it.”  
Undertaker grinned and cocked his head, playing with the fork in his fingers.  
“Oooh, bad girl.”  
“Why do you call me a girl?”  
“Why wouldn't I? I heard that you like to be addressed female.”  
“Yes...yes, I do. Why do you take this into consideration?"”  
“What a stupid question. So...you liked to cook. What about baking?”  
“It can be fun too.”  
“Great! Then we'll make cookies together!”  
“We...what?”  
“We'll make cookies. As I said, I love cookies. I'll ask the doctors, but I'm sure it's okay, as long as I promise to not let you crawl into the oven.”  
He giggled lightly and stood up to do so while Grell still sat there and opened and closed his mouth. Spending too much time with Undertaker, his father wouldn't have approved of it. On the other hand...he felt better than usual. He didn't want to crawl up under his blanket or cut himself, he just...was okay with talking. He wasn't forced to talk about unpleasant things, no, this kind of talk was much easier. When the white haired man came back, Grell realised he was not wearing the usual slippers anymore, instead he had put on black combat boots.  
“You are allowed to wear what you want and even black?!”  
“Not really. I simply did it and my doctor couldn't say anything against it. Anyway, we are allowed to go to the kitchen and make cookies, as long as we're supervised.”  
“Supervised?”  
“Yes. Seems like they don't trust us. Or rather me. Maybe they think I want to kill you”, the white haired man answered and giggled again before pulling Grell's chair back to help him stand up, then he guided him to the kitchen.  
I should not do this, I really shouldn't, Grell thought on his way. But the advantage of not being alone and not wanting to die all the time was just too big.  
I'm so sorry, daddy...

The big kitchen had just been cleaned and everything sparkled. A man was standing in one corner to have a good eye on them and Grell bit his lip. Was there any reason to not be alone with Undertaker? No. If he was a danger for other patients, he wouldn't have been allowed to walk around freely. A little dark voice in Grell's head said that this was a pity. If Undertaker freaked out and killed him with a kitchen knife, the world wouldn't have to bear him any longer. He laid his face into his hands, squeezing his eyes closed, until a warm hand touched his arm.  
“Grell? Do you need help?”  
“No. I'm fine.” He gave Undertaker one of his best acted smiles and started to search for the ingredients.

“I usually make bone shaped cookies, if that's okay for you”, Undertaker said and used his long nails to form a little bone with the dough.  
“Why bones?”  
“Like I told you, I get bored easily. So I liked to scare my customers in the funeral home. I giggled madly, wore long dark robes and wiggled these, of course.”  
He wiggled his nails that were not only really long, but painted black and did indeed look creepy.  
“The scars helped too.”  
“Where did you get the scars?”  
“I won't answer that.”  
Sighting, Grell formed the same cookies, deciding to give Undertaker the silent treatment, although he wanted to ask if that was the reason why the man hid his eyes. Those gorgeous eyes.

When the whole dough had been used, the silverette put them into the oven, always watched by the guard. Grell sat down on the counter and stared at the ground. Maybe he should simply avoid every topic that contained Undertaker's past? He realised more and more how good it felt to have someone to talk to about easy things or to simply sit next to him and it seemed like Undertaker felt the same, why would he always await or follow Grell otherwise?  
He knew he was directly ignoring his father, but when Undertaker really was too good for his loathsome self, shouldn't he know that himself and keep away from Grell? Besides it wasn't like the ex-mortician was a normal human, there was a reason he was here, where the premise was surrounded by five metre high walls and high voltage to keep the patients from being a danger for themselves (like in Grell's case) or others. The really dangerous people were fully locked up, but still...  
Suddenly he felt something warm on his lip. He looked up to find Undertaker holding a cookie in front of his face, smiling as nearly always.  
“The cookies are ready, little dreamer!”  
Dreamer...what a polite word.  
“Oh! I was just...are they good?”  
“I don't know, I thought you deserved the first bite. Open up.”  
Grell did as he was told and the other one pushed the cookie into his mouth, gently brushing a crump away with his thumb.  
“They taste great!”  
“Yes? Let me try too...yes, they are just as I like them. We need a place to keep them, though, at home I kept them in an urn...”  
“You...? Um...I think a box should do. Like this one.”  
He showed Undertaker a little box he'd found in one of the shelves and started to put the cookies into it.  
“Can I keep them in my room? You're welcome to come whenever you want so we can have a little snack together”, Undertaker asked and earned a nod.

After they had cleaned up, Grell excused himself to read and sleep a little, the higher dose of drugs made him tired and caused him a new headache while he felt terrible again as soon as he was alone.  
He rolled up on his bed and hugged his slender legs, worn-out and full of physical and emotional pain.


	5. Day 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks for the kudos, here is the new chapter!

Day 5  
The next morning he woke up with an even greater headache, heart feeling like a cold hand was squeezing it to juice again and again. Great. He didn't touch his breakfast when it was brought to him and said the sister she should tell Dr. Spears he was ill and ask him if he could write a letter to enable some pain killers for Grell. He wanted nothing more than to make at least his emotional problems go away for a while, but he couldn't bring himself to sit up. It wouldn't have been good for his headache anyway if he would have stressed his body even more. He had had such days before. The last one, even worse though, had been six months ago...  
He closed his eyes again. Maybe he would just fall asleep again and never wake up again. His attempt to do so was ruined when the door opened suddenly and Undertaker entered the room, this time without smile.  
“Grell? Are you okay?”  
The redhead sat up, wincing because of the sudden movement.  
“Of course I am. Why shouldn't I?!'”  
“Your acting two days ago was better. You didn't come to lunch, so...”  
He walked closer to the bed, noticing how pale Grell was. He stared at him for a while and then sat down on the rim of the bed.  
“What's wrong?”  
“Just a headache.”  
“Mh...you look like there's much more than that. Don't you have painkillers here?”  
“Not allowed to have any", Grell said while shaking his head carefully”  
“Give me five minutes.”

When Undertaker came back, he had a little package and a glass of water in his hands and sat down on Grell's bed again.  
“Here. I'll give you the whole package if you promise to not do anything stupid. That means no more than four pills within twenty-four hours.”  
“I promise.”  
“Good”, the older man answered, took three of the pills and handed them to Grell, putting the rest of the package onto the nightstand where his breakfast still stood.  
“Aren't you hungry?”  
“No.”  
“Really?”  
“Yes.”  
“Okay. So...what's wrong, Grell?”  
“Nothing, as I said.”  
“I'm not stupid. You're not looking good at all, this isn't just the headache.”  
Grell closed his eyes for a while and sighed lowly. Although it couldn't get any worse, right?  
“I think the headache comes from the new dose of drugs. Only...they don't help. I'm feeling worse.”  
“Worse? I'm sorry for that.”  
Now the redhead looked to the side to hide his face. Suddenly he wanted to talk about it, about his past. Undertaker never forced him to do so, unless the oh so nice doctors, and maybe that was the point.  
“Undertaker? Can I tell you something?”, he asked lowly. He would probably laugh at him now, because no one would ever like him enough to pay attention to him.  
“Of course, you can tell me everything you want.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yes.”  
“Okay, so...I wanted to tell you about my past. You know, usually I don't do that willingly, but now I feel so bad and...and nobody is talking me into it, so...”  
Undertaker smiled lightly and slid a little closer so he could lay a hand onto Grell's knee.  
“Well, um...where do I start...so...my father hated me. He always wanted a girl, but he...he got this instead. And when my mother died only days after my birth, he said it was my fault too. So he showed me how he loathed me every day.”  
“What did he do?”, Undertaker asked softly, his eyes honest.  
“He beat me up. He kicked me or broke my bones while yelling at me that I was worthless and how much I deserved pain. I...I believed it. You know...I loved him. I would have done everything for him, I hoped one day he would love me back, although I didn't deserve it...”  
He bit his lip hardly and Undertaker started to stroke his knee comfortingly.  
“I soon started to become more and more female, I thought he would like that better. In the process I realised that I did too. I started to wear dresses at some point, but he only laughed at me. I guess he was happy that I gave him more reason to hurt me, to deserve pain even more.  
This went on for twenty-one years and my whole world collapsed when my father died. He had been the only one I ever had, I had never had any friends, he had made sure from the beginning that I didn't deserve friends. From one moment to the other, I was all alone. I had started cutting many years ago already when I accidentally found out that I felt better when I hurt myself. When my father was still alive, I did it at my thighs to not let him see it, he would have forbidden it. But I needed it. When he was dead, I used my wrists instead. One day I overdid it a little and collapsed on the street. Policemen found me and in the end I got here. I always do what he wanted, only sometimes I break the rules. I'm cutting and well, I'm telling you all of this because I hope it makes me feel better, although I'm not supposed to feel better...”  
“Grell?”, Undertaker asked when he had finished, his voice really soft.  
“Yes?”  
“Do you want to know what I think about this?”  
“...okay”  
“I think you have to decide. Either you follow your father's rules completely and live alone and unhappy forever, without trying to make yourself feel better. Or you decide that you want to be happy, because you can only be if you want it. Then you would have to accept that your father was the loathsome one because he wanted to destroy you and that you are not worthless at all. Right now you are between the two options and that doesn't help in any way. I recommend the second one, but in the end it's up to you.”  
Grell kept silent for a while, needing to let these words sink in. He had never thought about the topic like that.  
“What would happen if I chose the second option?”  
“That would be all up to you. You know, people try to help you, but right now you don't let them. Doesn't the fact that they want to help you show that there is something about you that is definitely worthy?”  
“M-Maybe?”  
“Not maybe. I think it was fun for your father to torture you. You need to let people show you what acceptance is.”  
“Can I...think about it first?”  
“Of course you can, I don't want to force you. I just hope you make the right decision. Do you want me to leave you alone?”  
Grell looked at him with unsure, slightly afraid eyes.  
“Would you stay with me?”  
“If you want that, of course. Do you want me to simply sit here? Or hug you?”  
“You would hug me?”  
“Of course I would. I told you people are liking you and they don't think you don't deserve their company, you just need to see it.”  
“O-Okay. Then I would like a hug.”  
The white haired man smiled widely and slid next to him, then wrapped his arms around the small figure and pulled him in. Slowly, Grell relaxed and after a while he laid his head against Undertaker's chest, just to try how it would feel. It was great. The tall man was wonderful warm and strong, for the first time in his life he felt protected and safe. Maybe Undertaker was right? His headache had faded and the constant pain that was usually clenching his guts together was eased too. He had thought about his father being right or not many times in the last days, to be exact since the weird guy had sat down at his table, and in the end there was the fact that he was a self-harming, gender-confused patient in an asylum, but he had never hurt anyone else. So why shouldn't he deserve some good things in his life?  
He closed his eyes while Undertaker started to stroke his hair. No, this was not bad at all.  
After a while he even fell asleep, as peaceful and calm as he didn't in a long time, comforted by Undertaker's warm arms. Said man didn't stop stroking his hair, he simply sat there and hugged the little redhead. Once a sister came in, but he raised a finger, put it to his lips and winked at her, before letting his hand sink into Grell's soft, silky hair again. In the evening he slid down, pulling the other one with him and resting his head on his chest. He carefully shoved the blanket over both of them, then he closed his eyes and slept too..


	6. Day 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't proofread this, sorry for any mistakes. I mean more than usual. Please leave kudos! (And after consulting Google Translator I know what that means, yay!)

Day 6  
When Grell awoke the next morning, he knew something was different. His pillow was harder than usual and smelled different, a little like male aftershave or perfume. And he felt good. Really relaxed and recovered.  
“Good morning, Grell, I hope you slept well?”, a low voice said close to his ear and he shrieked lightly, only then remembering that Undertaker had offered him a hug and it seemed like they both had fallen asleep sooner or later.  
“Good! I mean, I slept and feel really good! There's no weight pressing down on my chest, no stabbing pain in my guts. I'm feeling simply...satisfied.”  
“Glad to hear that”, Undertaker said and stretched, careful to not hit Grell's head.  
“What about you? Was it-”  
He was interrupted by the door opening and a sister coming in with his breakfast. She looked at Undertaker, then at Grell and then at the bed they were both lying in, needing some seconds to get this. Then she put the tablet down on the nightstand and left without saying anything. Undertaker chuckled and ran a hand through his hair.  
“I guess she misunderstood the situation a little.”  
“Uh...yeah...probably.”  
“Anyway, what do we want to do today?”  
“I don't know...but not sitting in here all day. Can we go to the garden again? I promise I won't run away this time.”  
“Sure. But first you need to eat something, you haven't yesterday”, Undertaker said and handed him the tablet.  
“You didn't either. Here, take some bread and an apple, I don't eat that much anyway.”  
They ate together in Grell's bed , being careful with the crumbs, though.  
“We could not go to lunch today and have a picnic in the garden instead.”, Undertaker offered after a while and wiped some apple juice off his chin.  
“A real picnic? Sounds interesting. I wanted to shower after breakfast, they are probably empty then and I have to go to my meeting with Dr. Spears. We could meet up after that.”  
“Dr. Spears, eh? Handsome young doctor.”  
Grell looked down and bit his lip. Yes, Dr. Spears was handsome, but Undertaker looked so much better. Not that it mattered.  
“Yeah, maybe...”  
The other one chuckled and stood up, then took the plates and put them back onto the tablet.  
“I'll leave you alone now, so you can take your shower, I guess I'll do the same...until later then, I'll pick you up after your meeting.”

The shower rooms were indeed empty, so Grell could undress fully and use as much hot water as he wanted. He didn't want people to stare at his male body, so he always tried to take showers at times where most of the other patients were busy. When that didn't work, he kept on his underwear and made haste. However, he was lucky and soon wrapped a towel around his chest while drying his hair with another one. Sometimes his long hair was a real pest, but he liked it like this and wasn't being happy with things part of his “new life”?

Dr. Spears was delighted that Grell felt better today and eagerly took notes,  
“And I...I decided to try and live a normal life.”  
“Yes? That's a big step forward, Grell, how come?”  
“I talked about it with Undertaker.”  
“I see...so he could do what the doctors couldn't...amazing.”  
He smiled honestly and let Grell go, this time earlier than usual. The redhead had expected to find Undertaker in front of the room, waiting for him, but he had to be patient until the ex-mortician appeared. He looked tired and stressed out as he smiled at Grell.  
“Hey.”  
“Hello. Is everything alright? You don't look that good...”  
“Oh yes, I'm fine. They just started a new therapy today and it's rather straining.”  
“What kind of therapy?”  
“Nothing special, just the typical things. Do we want to go now? I packed us a little basket already.” He held up said object and smiled. Grell was silent while they went to the garden and sat down under an old tree after Undertaker had taken a blanket from the basket and out it to the ground, so they could sit in the shadow.  
“And? What did Dr. Spears say?”, the white haired man said when he took several things out as well and placed them around the two of them.  
“He was positively surprised, I'd say”, Grell said and looked at the bread in front of him. In Dr. Spears' office he'd had an idea. The first part of it was easy, but for the second one he needed some luck.  
“Undertaker?”  
“Yes?”  
“Can you at least tell me your first name? You know mine too. Please.” He looked at him with his best begging eyes. He was a master at this look, how many times had he looked at his father like that...  
Undertaker sighed.  
“You really want to know, don't you? Okay. I'll tell you if you promise me that you will never call me by it. I don't like it that much...”  
This statement made Grell even more curious, but he nodded slowly.   
“It's Adrian. There. You better forget it now.”  
“Adrian? I think that's a beautiful name. Suits you.”  
“If you think so...what do you want to eat?”  
Grell kept silent again. What was Undertaker's problem? Why was he here? And why didn't he like his name? Was it an equally terrible story as his own one? So many questions, but he would make sure to find the answer to at least some of them soon. If he had luck, that is...  
He leaned back and placed his head in the soft grass, watching a little lady bug climbing in it. Undertaker smiled at him and looked at his red hair that made a good contrast to the light green grass. After a while he laid down next to Grell, both of them enjoying the peace that surrounded them. The redhead smiled very lightly. Oh yes, this was better than sitting in his room all day and hoping that the day would end soon. He didn't even feel the urge to cut right now, he just laid there, relaxed and thought about his plan.

“Oh look at yourself”, the tall man over him said.  
“How pathetic you look, crawling on the ground like a little worm who deserves to be smashed under the shoe. But you deserve that too, don't you? You deserve to be treated like the worthless little worm you are...yes...”  
The man lifted his foot as if he really wanted to kill a worm, but then kicked Grell's side hardly, again and again. He moaned in pain, but then screamed when he heard a cracking sound. The man laughed louder and stopped, just to sit down on Grell's chest, directly on his broken rib. He screamed at the top of his lungs and tried to get rid off the man, who simply laid a hand around his throat and squeezed it until his victim kept still, tears running down his cheeks.  
“Yes...that's better. You know that you deserve pain, I'm sure of that”, the man said and took his hand away.  
“Please...please, daddy...stop.”  
“No, Grell, I won't stop. Why should I? I just started...”  
The man stood up again, took the slumped down form from the ground and started to beat his face with the free hand, earning more screams and tears.  
“You are worthless, Grell, and nothing will ever change that. No one will ever love you, you hear me? No one...”

No one, no one...the words were still in Grell's head when he awoke in the night, crying and breathing hardly. He pulled his legs to his chest and hid his face between his knees, desperately trying to calm down, although it didn't work.  
He had hoped that the dreams that kept him from sleeping would stop now, but obviously that was not the case. Oh how he wished for Undertaker to be here now, to protect him with his strong arms again...  
He stood up with shaky legs and stumbled to the door. Undertaker had showed him where his room was in case he wanted to get some cookies they had made.   
The hallways were dark and he ran one hand over the wall to not slip. The last thing he needed now was falling and spending the whole night in a cold hallway surrounded by psychos.   
The room he searched for was at the second floor so, he carefully went up the stairs, holding onto the handrail with shaky hands. He sighed when he reached the next floor and went to the left side, having trouble to see the numbers on the doors in the darkness. He hesitated when he reached Undertaker's room. Would he be angry at him for disturbing him in the middle of the night? Or wouldn't he wake up at all and he had made the way for no reason?   
Finally he could bring himself to knock shyly, facing the cold stone floor, though, and rubbing one of his feet against his leg to warm it.  
“Grell?”, a by now familiar voice asked. Grell looked up, being a little ashamed of his terrible looks with red eyes while...oh...while Undertaker was shirtless. The redhead quickly faced the ground again to not stare at the well built body with nice abs and everything.  
“Did something happen? Ah, just come in”, the white haired man said with a small yawn, took Grell's wrist gently and pulled him into the room and to his bed that was still warm.  
“Are you cold?”  
“Yes.”  
Undertaker nodded and pushed Grell onto his back carefully, climbed to him and wrapped his arms around him before covering both of them with his blanket.  
“This should do it. What's wrong now?”  
The redhead suddenly felt ridiculous that he came her for such a little reason. Everybody had nightmares every now and then, but that was no reason to disturb the beauty sleep of a man he knew only one week..  
“I...I had a nightmare.”  
“Oh...poor thing. Was it about...?”  
“Yes.”  
“I see. He can't hurt you anymore, Grell, never again. You are here and you are save, always remember that.”  
“Y-Yes...I'm sorry for coming here and annoying you with that little thing.”  
“You are not annoying me in any way and I'm always glad if I can help you. Try to relax, will you? You look tired.” Saying this, he gently stroked the skin under Grell's eyes.  
“I hoped it would stop now. The nightmares, I mean.”  
“They will stop, you just need to be patient. Are you feeling better already? Or do you want anything else?”  
“No, thank you. I should probably just close my eyes and try to fall asleep again...”  
He did so and slept with slightly partened lips only seconds later while Undertaker chuckled to himself.  
“Rest, sleeping beauty, I will take care of you”, he said and leaned down to brush his lips over Grell's forehead, then he fell asleep too.


	7. Day 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, everyone!! I hope you had a good start. Anyway, please leave kudos

Day 7  
When he awoke, Undertaker was still sleeping, eyes closed and with a satisfied expression. He smiled and brushed the other mans hair out of his face to have a better look at the long lashes, elegant cheekbones and the handsome, straight nose. God, was this man sexy. Grell hesitated. When he would give his best to become normal, was he allowed to think of attractive men then? Because Undertaker was definitely attractive. It was like his fingers had their own mind, because suddenly they were stretching and stroking over the other one's cheeks, nose eyebrows. Undertaker scrunched his face a little and opened an eye, what caused Grell to pull his hand back quickly. The tall man grinned.  
“Good morning. Did you sleep well now? No nightmares?”  
“I did, thank you for allowing me to stay here.”  
“No problem. I wish I could offer you a more comfortable 'home' than this room, but this has to do it.”  
Grell looked around, yesterday there had only been half light. The room looked a lot like his own one, only the painting at the wall was even uglier and the walls itself were not painted a light green but blue, the kind you used for male baby clothes.  
“It could have been worse. Pink walls for example.”  
Undertaker laughed loud and heartedly, petting Grell's arm in a comfortable way.  
“That was a good one. Pink walls! I have to admit that I don't mind pink things, in fact my favourite bookmark and the fitting pen are pink and black, but walls? Ew. On the other hand I wouldn't even wonder if they would have painted the cafeteria like that. It's so colourful...”  
“I always get a headache when I see it.”  
“Then you would have loved my old shop. All black and dark and with cobwebs.”  
“Cobwebs?! I thought you were a man who liked it clean and fresh...”  
“I do, the rest of the house always was clean and not as dark as the selling room, but it was funny how it creeped my customers off...oh yes, I miss the good old times. But who knows, maybe I can return home one day and show you everything.”  
“That...would be nice.”  
“It would indeed. Mh...maybe I should put on a shirt before my breakfast arrives, we don't want the sister to get a heart attack when she sees us.”  
Grell looked at his bare upper body one last time, at the hard muscles and broad shape before it was hidden by one of the white asylum-shirts. What a pity.  
“I'm afraid I won't be able to accompany you today, little rose, Dr. Turner wanted to make long tests before and after the new therapy, so I will be busy all day.”  
Grell's face fell. Undertaker was his shining hope, with him he felt better immediately, but when he wasn't there...then he was lonely again.  
“Oh...okay. Then I'll...”  
He couldn't come up with something else he could do, so he didn't end the sentence, but stared at his hands that were folded on the comforter.  
“It's just for one day, then I will be able to spend time with you again, don't worry.”  
“It's okay...I mean...it's generous enough of you that you are willing to spend time with me at all.”  
“Why wouldn't I? You are a good person to have around, not to mention pretty.”  
Did Undertaker just call him pretty?!  
“Well...thank you.”

When the sister came in, she only frowned lightly.  
“Grell Sutcliff! Why are you not in your room? I came to you for no reason. If you have to sleep together, do that at least in your room, that's earlier on my way and then I know that I don't need to come to Undertaker. Anyway...here's the breakfast for you two.”  
She slammed two tablets onto the nightstand and stomped out while Undertaker started to chuckle first, then burst into laughter.  
“Oh my, this woman”, he giggled after a while and wiped some tears off his eyes, then handed Grell his tablet and started to eat.

“I should go then”, Grell muttered when his plate was empty.  
“So I can take a shower and dress in fresh clothes.”  
“Already? You could shower here and put on my clothes...but okay. Do you want me to come over in the evening in case you have nightmares again?”  
The redhead looked at him like a deer in flashlights.  
“Yes, please?”  
“Alright. I'll come as soon as Dr. Turner lets me go.”  
He stretched and pulled the shirt over his head, then reached for his pants. Grell stared at his upper body for a second and left the room quickly, hearing Undertaker's light chuckle.

“You had a nightmare again?”, Dr. Spears asked and took notes.  
“What was it about?”  
“My father, what else...the same as usual.”  
“What did you do about it?”  
“I...I went to Undertaker.”  
The doctor took his glasses off and frowned at Grell.  
“I want to give you an advice. I welcome it that contact to him helps you, but don't get too close to him, if you know what I mean, most people would not approve of that and try to heal you from that too. Be careful.”  
“Oh, I'm not...we're not...”  
“But people could think it and the fact that you slept in his bed doesn't help.”  
“He wanted to come over in the evening, in case I have a nightmare again...”  
Dr. Spears sighed and put his pen down.  
“I can't forbid it, but please be careful. Don't tell anyone else. Gre-Miss Sutcliff-”  
“Grell is okay.”  
“Alright. Grell, do you have feelings for him?”  
“Feelings?”  
“Yes. I mean more than what you feel for a friend.”  
“No! I mean...I guess not. I'm not sure.”  
Dr. Spears sighed again and put his notes away.  
“Okay. I just hope you'll use my advice.”

It was a horrible day, like...really horrible. Grell sat on his bed and red a book from the library, not being able to concentrate on it, though, due to his clenching guts. He was feeling cold and the pain in his tummy made him feel sick. The hours seemed like years, his headache worsening all the time. He took the painkiller Undertaker had left him, although he didn't break the promise and leaned down, a cool hand pressed to his forehead. He wanted him to be here, he was the best medicine Grell had ever gotten, although Dr. Spears had warned him to be careful.  
His heart started to beat faster when he heard a knock and Undertaker came in in the evening.  
“Undie!”, he said happily and jumped up to wrap his arms around the man's neck.  
“Wow, seems like someone missed me!”  
Grell took his arms back immediately and stared at the ground.  
“I'm sorry. I just didn't feel that good when I was alone.”  
He decided to rather not tell him of Will's advice, but be careful indeed.  
“No need to be sorry. I came to you as soon as possible.”  
“The therapy...how did it work?”  
Grell looked at the white haired man closely, only to notice that he looked even more stressed out and was shaking a little.  
“The tests showed no improvement, so they will continue the therapy and test me once a week.”  
“I'm sorry about that, I hoped your state would improve too...”  
Undertaker smiled, but it was a little sad.  
“So...you called me Undie, huh?”  
“Um...yes?”  
“I like this. Nobody did before.”  
“Then I'll do that. Now come in, you look like you would collapse any second.”  
They sat down on the bed and Undertaker sighed lowly, running a shaky hand through his hair.  
“Are you sure you are alright?”  
“Yes...yes, of course. How was your day? Do you feel better now?”  
“I sat in here and...yeah, didn't feel good. I didn't cut though.”  
“That's good. The wounds need to heal. Let me have a look at it, okay?”  
Grell nodded and showed his wrist that got carefully, but quickly unwrapped by Undertaker until red, crusty lines could be seen, but it was definitely healing.  
“Looks good indeed. Better than when I came in and they were all fresh. Maybe you should throw the razor blade away. I won't take it away, it has to be your decision if you do.”  
“Why?”  
“Because then you will always think 'Ah, he forced me to hand them in'. But when you do it willingly, you'll remember that you were strong enough to do that alone. That you don't need pain anymore and that you can feel good without hurting yourself.”  
“You are a wise man, you know that?”  
Undertaker chuckled and lifted Grell's right arm up to place a light kiss onto the wrist what caused goosebumps on the redhead's whole body.  
“I think you should wear the bandage for a few more days, so the wounds can heal butter and won't scar that much.”  
"That doesn't matter, I'm full of scars anyway..."  
Undertaker lifted his bangs up and looked at him in a way that said 'Are you fucking kidding me?', the scar over his face and at his throat being even more visible.  
“No, really. My whole upper body is full of scars.”  
“Show me.”  
“You...? No. That would be inappropriate.”  
Grell's cheeks were nearly as red as his hair now.  
“Forgive me, I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable, I just couldn't believe this. Where did you get them?”  
“I cut there too, when my arms didn't help anymore. Plus whip marks and scars from operations.”  
“Operations?”  
“To fixate my broken ribs.”  
“I understand. Although I'm sure you are still gorgeous.”  
“Gorgeous? You must be joking.”  
“I'm not.”  
Grell snorted and shook his head.  
“I'm far from that. I have a weird, unnatural hair colour, wear glasses, and this body...I would love to have curves, but this body has to be so...so male. I don't like it at all...”  
“I like it.”  
Grell snorted again, arms crossed, and Undertaker smiled lightly.  
“Grellieeee, remember that I mean everything I say and that you should accept it when people like you in any way, mh?”  
“But it seems ridiculous to me! This body is a...a disgrace. I'd do nearly everything to be a real woman with pretty curves and soft features. Without the edged jaw and without...it.”  
“There are so many pretty, curvy women. No, the real struggle is to be special. If you're one among hundreds, you will be forgotten soon. But if you are of a special, rare kind of beauty, the people will always remember you.”  
“If you say so...”  
“I don't simply say it, I know it. Wise man, remember?”  
He chuckled and leaned back, crossing his arms under his head.  
“Are you feeling better now?", Grell asked after some minutes had passed”  
“I do indeed.”  
“You are not shaking anymore. Did the therapy contain physical work?”  
“I won't tell you about it, Grell, I said that before and that's it.”  
His words sounded harsher than he had intended them to be and Grell winced, sliding away from him. Undertaker regretted it immediately.  
“No...don't. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that so harshly, it's natural for you to be curious. The therapy...it just...claims me a lot. Come here...”  
Grell looked at him unsurely, but then slid closer and lied down too, head rested on the inner side of Undertaker's upper arm.  
“That's better. I'm afraid I'll probably fall asleep soon, it was a long day.”  
“That's okay, I'm tired too. Those stupid drugs. They don't help, but make me tired and give me a headache. At least I got my old dose back, now that I'm feeling better. Maybe I will have to take even less some day?”  
“I think so. From what I heard, Dr. Spears is strict and very professional, but he wants just the best for his patients and he does his best to treat them as much as needed, but as little as possible.”  
“Yeah...I like him more than Dr. Turner.”  
“Dr. Turner is rather...special and drastic.”  
“He definitely is. I always had the feeling he thought of me as nothing but a guinea pig, an animal who makes an interesting test object.”  
He didn't get an answer to this. Undertaker had closed his eyes and was now breathing calmly.  
“Undie?”  
Again no answer. Grell smiled lightly and lifted his head to have a better look at his features. He leaned forward carefully and laid his lips onto the other one's cheek, a blush creeping to his face.  
“Sleep well, Undie. You deserve it.”  
He watched the sleeping form for a while and put on his pyjama, glad he could be sure he wasn't being watched...although Undertaker was not the kind who would do that. He probably would have looked away or turned around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will explain some things...see you then


	8. Day 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter ahead! This will explain some things, don't worry. Enjoy!

Day 17  
Another one and a half weeks passed without that much changing. Undertaker slept in Grell's room whose state slowly got even better, he didn't have nightmares anymore and the pain in his guts had nearly disappeared. The ex-mortician himself was shaky and burned out every time he returned from his therapy, although he tried his best to hide it, what worried Grell more than anything else right now, so much that he decided to find out what this dubious therapy contained.  
After having breakfast, he waited until Undertaker excused himself and followed him silently, keeping a certain distance, of course. Undertaker went to a part of the building he had never been in before. It wasn't as white and sterile as the rest of the building, the ground was old and from dark stone, probably the original ground still, the walls were painted in a white that looked rather like grey now. Grell didn't have a good feeling about this, but he was too curious to walk to his own session with Dr. Spears, he was probably missed by now, but this was more important.  
Finally Undertaker stopped in front of a door, knocked and entered the room. Grell's heart beat had achieved a new record when he carefully went to the door too and pressed his ear to it.

“Good that you are here, Mr. Crevan. You may sit down already, we will start every second”, a male voice said. When you listened closely, you could hear it was Dr. Turner.  
“Make sure you prepare the electrodes! I don't want to have such a chaos as yesterday...yes...that's alright. Are the shackles tight enough? Good, then the electronics...”  
Shackles? Now Grell couldn't bear it any longer. He slowly opened the door.  
The room was rather dark. Undertaker was sitting in the middle of it, on a big, wooden chair, his wrists and ankles tied to it, two men, one of them Dr. Turner, standing around him and checking small metal things that were fixated on his head. Next to the door was a table with all kinds of electronic devices. He looked up when Grell came in.  
“What are you doing here?!”  
“I...I wanted to watch the...um...therapy.” His voice was low, so Undertaker wouldn't be able to hear him.  
“Watch? Must be a real insane one then...hey, Joe! Are visitors allowed?”  
The man standing next to Undertaker and Dr. Turner came over and looked at Grell.  
“You want to see it?”  
“Y-Yes?”  
“Well...I guess there's no rule that forbids it. Just stay here, next to Mr. Harding and don't annoy us. Got that?”  
“Of course. Thank you.”  
“Yeah, whatever...”  
He went back to Undertaker who was sitting in a way that prevented him from seeing the door and therefore Grell. Dr. Turner turned around and made a thumbs-up sign at the man called Mr. Harding, who knocked and switched a few buttons.  
“Alright! We're ready. One hundred fifty Volt, half an Ampere, two seconds. And...go”, he said and switched another button. Undertaker suddenly started to shake hardly, his hands knocking against the wood. He let out barely audible screams and moans of pain, muffled by the gag. After two seconds he relaxed again, his head sinking onto his chest. Grell watched in horror how he was breathing hardly. So this was it. They were treating him with electric shocks. His hands started to shake when Dr. Turner lifted his head.  
“More power, Andrew.”  
“Sure, boss?”  
“Yes.”  
“Alright...one hundred and seventy Volt, one point eight Ampere, two seconds. Go.”  
When he pushed the button again, Undertaker started to shake even harder, as if all his muscles were flexed at once. What they were. The shaking stopped again. Hair had fallen into his face, so Grell couldn't see his expression, he could barely imagine the pain he'd had and how he would scream if he could. He was so shocked that these horrible creatures were doing this to his Undie, the only thing that could help him, that made his pain disappear...  
“More power again.”  
“More? Do you want to kill him?!”  
“No. But the therapy needs to show an effect, doesn't it?”  
“Yeah...yeah. Two hundred Volt, one Ampere, two seconds. I really can't go higher than that.”  
“It should be sufficient. Ready?”  
“Yes. Go.”  
New waves of flowing electrons hit Undertaker's body and made him nearly dance in his chair. His head was lifted again and now his screams were even audible with the gag. Grell felt his heart nearly break at the sight he was offered. For nearly two weeks he had to endure this every day, not to mention the weekly special tests and he had always acted like everything was okay. Hadn't he called the therapy straining? It was indeed, but not in any way Grell could have ever imagined.  
Two endless seconds ended and Undertaker's head sank down again, his fingers in the handcuffs relaxing. Dr. Turner grabbed his hair and lifted his head up so Grell could see it too. His eyes were closed, the lips slightly partened. The doctor let his head fall down and put a finger to his pulse-area.  
“This try was a success, he is unconscious.”  
Grell's eyes widened. Undertaker had fallen unconscious and this was a success?! He suddenly felt ill and wished nothing more than to grab his Undie and escape from this horrible place. He looked at the man next to him, eyes full of fear.  
“Is he alright?”  
“Yes. Loosing consciousness is the main goal of this therapy, otherwise it wouldn't have any effect. You know him?”  
“Y-Yes...he's a friend of mine and didn't want to tell me what kind of therapy he got, so I was curious. But this...”  
The lump in his throat worsened.  
“I understand. Don't worry, he'll wake up in about thirty minutes.”  
“Can I....go to him?”  
“Ask the doctor. Usually they wait until he gets conscious again and send him back, but maybe you could bring him back to his room with a rolling bed?”  
Grell nodded shakingly and walked to Dr. Turner who was taking some notes, not daring to look at Undertaker.  
“D-Dr.. Turner?”  
“Yes, Mister Sutcliff?”  
“I'm a friend of...Mr. Crevan. Could I bring him back to his room already?”  
“I'm afraid this is not possible. Sometimes patients loose parts of their memory after the therapy, and we don't want him to panic and hurt himself or others. He will awake in half an hour, you can wait here.”  
“Can I go to him?”  
“Yes. But don't untie him until he awakes.”  
Grell nodded and walked to the unconscious body that was only held by the shackles. He gently stroked the white hair away to look at him. Undertaker's cheeks were wet of tears and some drool was running down from the corner of his mouth. The redhead swallowed and carefully dried the other man's face with his sleeve.  
“Undie...what have they done to you...”, he whispered, feeling tears coming to his own eyes. The thought that Undertaker woke up everyday, in pain and surrounded by sadistic men in white coats, apart from that alone, made him want to throw up. Or cut again. Yes, that would be nice. He would not do it, though, apart from the fact that he had indeed handed his razor blade in, it would just bring his problems back and he wouldn't be able to care for Undertaker.

He spent thirty minutes there, stroking the white haired men's cheeks and and arm, being careful to not let it seem like they were a couple or anything, the men in the room, however, didn't seem to be suspicious, they were interpreting the latest results and discussing about what to change or not to change in future.  
There were steps behind Grell and he turned around to see Mr. Harding.  
“How is he?”, the man asked lowly.  
“I'm not sure. He is still unconscious and shows no signs of awaking soon...his wrists and ankles are a little sore due to his pulling at the shackles, but the rest is okay...I guess“, Grell answered worriedly.  
“I hope so. I don't think this kind of therapy is that good, but I'm just an electrician.”  
“I thought you were a-”  
“A doctor too? No, I'm lacking the abilities for being a good doctor, besides I prefer not commanding around, but doing things myself and with my own hands. This job is just an order by the bosses, I'd rather not do it. But...the children need to be fed, huh?”  
“Understandable. Mr Harding?”  
“Yes?”  
“What kinds of psychological problems are treated with electric shocks?”  
“There are many. Schizophrenia, all kinds of bipolar disorders, multiple personalities, psychological disorders in general...oh, and depressions of course.”  
“De-Depressions?”  
“Yes. We have achieved quite good results with patients where drugs and the other therapies didn't help.”  
Grell opened his mouth to say more, but at this moment Undertaker let out a soft moan.  
“Undie! Are you okay?” Stupid question.  
Another moan and fluttering eyes.  
“G-Grell? What are you doing here?”  
“I followed you to find out what your therapy is, and...oh my, I'm so sorry.”  
His lips were quivering again at the pathetic state the so tall and strong man was in. If he had known this...  
“Hey, boss? The patient is awake now”, Mr. Harding next to him said. Dr. Turner came over to them.  
“Good. What is your name?”  
“A-Adrian Crevan.”  
“Very well. It seems like he didn't lose his memory again, he may go back to his room.”  
Mr. Harding nodded and carefully undid the ties around Undertaker's hands and feet, who stroked his hair out of his face and rubbed his red wrists. He still seemed numb, but closed his eyes for a few seconds and stood up.  
“Let's go, Grell.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“It's not the first time. So yes. Are you hungry?”  
“No. You need some rest, come with me.”  
They walked outside and when the door had closed, Grell laid an arm around the other man's waist to support him, what looked quite funny, because he was so much smaller.  
“It's okay, I can walk alone.”  
“Are you sure?”  
"Of course I am, I'm not a child anymore."  
His voice was again harsher than he had planned and Grell was taken aback, but pulled his arm back and faced the floor while they walked to Undertaker's room without saying more.  
The white haired man laid down on the bed and closed his eyes, his breathing still harder than usual. Grell stood next to the door, unsure what to do now. He was so worried that he wanted to take Undertaker into his arms and simply hug him, but he wasn't sure what his reaction would be, so he just stood there and waited, biting his lip all the time. After a while the white haired man sat up and looked at Grell.  
“You can come here, you know.”  
“But you said...”  
“I said you shouldn't treat me like a child. I didn't mean to offend you. So...now you know it...”  
Grell walked closer and sat down at the rim of the bed, hesitantly starting to stroke his arm again what caused a light smile on Undertaker's face.  
“Yeah...I do. I was so curious that I had to follow you, but I would have never expected anything like that...”  
“I didn't want you to see it.”  
“Thought so...it was really...”  
He swallowed, because the lump in his throat was forming again. How Undertaker had shook and screamed...now he would definitely get nightmares again.  
“Shocking?”  
“That's not funny.”  
“I know.”  
“How can they do this do you and even call this a therapy?! It's barbaric and I bet it doesn't even work.”  
“They had cases where it did work. And maybe it does with me too.”  
“Are you depressed?”  
“No.”  
“Schizophrenic?”  
“Neither.”  
“Do you have multiple personalities?”  
“They all say no.”  
“Stop joking, this is a serious topic.”  
“It is and I'm serious too. I won't tell you about it, Grell, end of story. I'm sorry if that bothers you and that you are curious about it, because it's not as obvious, but a no is a no. Besides I don't even know if there's a name for my problem and the things I did.”  
Grell stood up in a swift motion, arms crossed in front of his chest.  
“Fine. If you don't want me to help you, then be it. I think we have switched roles now, because right now you are the one who doesn't want to accept that there are people – or at least one person – who like you and who want to help you. But okay, I won't force you to anything. Goodbye.”  
Saying this, he turned around and walked out of the room and directly to the big garden where he sat down under the tree where he'd had a picnic with Undertaker, burying his face in his hands. Why did Undertaker never tell him anything? Not about the therapy, not what he did or why he was here, nothing. Why was he always keeping secrets from Grell? Didn't he trust him?  
He sniffed and wrapped his arms around the small of his own body, wanting nothing more than to cut again. Undertaker had made him feel better for two weeks, but right now he made it worse than ever before. Grell's father had been right. No one would ever like him and eventually throw him away, same with Undertaker. He had been bored and therefore searched company, but the little redhead wasn't worth to tell secrets to. He should have listened to his father...

Grell sat there for quite a while, hiding his face from the world, until he heard steps next to him.  
“I don't want to see you, Undertaker”, he said muffled and without even lifting his head.  
“Then it's good that it's not Undertaker.”  
Now Grell did lift his head and saw Dr. Spears who sat down next to him in that moment.  
“You didn't come to our meeting. Did you sit here all the time?”  
“No. I found out that Undertaker is an asshole too.”  
Dr. Spears clicked his tongue.  
“What did he do?”  
“Nothing, that's the problem! He never tells me anything, he always keeps secrets from me. Why should I know that he gets tortured with electric shocks? I'm just his friend, so why should he tell me about his past, why he's here?”  
“Grell? Didn't you think that maybe he doesn't not tell you because he thinks that you are just a random person he just uses so he won't be that bored, but because he really likes you?”  
“Why would he not tell me if he liked me?”  
“To protect you. I'm sorry, but two weeks ago you were so depressed that you got the highest dose of drugs possible, you cut yourself and were always at the border to commit suicide, do you think it would be good for you if someone came and bothered you with their problems although you have enough ones already? I think it would rather be contra productive, so if I was him, I wouldn't tell you either, but try to cheer you up instead. And that's what he did. You feel better after all, don't you?”  
“Yes...a lot. But then why doesn't he tell me now?”  
“Maybe he is worried that you fall into your depression again? It's not like you are all fine now, you can have a relapse every second.”  
“I guess I have one...”  
“No, you don't. This is just a normal sadness because you are disappointed, you will learn what the difference is.”  
“And what am I supposed to do now?”  
“Well...I think you should go back to him, or at least to your room and tell him about your feelings, you should talk about this. And when he still doesn't want to tell you, you have to accept that, I'm sure he does it for your best.”  
“For my best...you really thinks he does that why he likes me?”  
“I do. I think he likes you...a lot.”  
“A lot? How much is that?”  
“Grell, I'm a psychologist, not a mind reader. I can see from his behaviour that he likes you, but how much...I have no idea. What about you, though?”  
“I still don't know. Right now I'm rather angry, but in general...I feel comfortable around him and I never want him to leave. If I could, I would spend the whole day in bed with him, having my head on his chest. Is that stupid?”  
Dr. Spears adjusted his glasses, having a little smile on his face, though.  
“It's not. Go and find out what it means yourself.”

When Grell stopped in front of Undertaker's door, he felt unsure again. The rage and disappointment about the man's behaviour had passed and now he only felt unsure. He wanted to see him, but what was he supposed to say? That he was sorry for running away? Well, he wasn't. Undertaker had hurt with with his constant secrets and he had left, because he didn't like to be hurt, that was a natural reaction. Maybe Undertaker wouldn't even be there?   
The thought encouraged him and he opened the door. Undertaker was there. He sat on his bed, holding his head in his hands and massaging his temples, although he looked up when the redhead came in.  
“Grell!”  
He stood up and walked to him, not touching him, though.  
“I'm sorry, Grell. I really am. I didn't want to hurt you or make you feel used...I'm doing this for your sake, you know. I don't want you to have to bear this too.”  
“Dr. Spears said that too.”  
Undertaker frowned.  
“He did? When did you talk?”  
“He found me In the garden and he said that you didn't want me to feel even worse because of your problems. I was not sure if he was right, but when you say that too...”  
“I do! Why don't you come in and we talk about everything in peace?”  
Grell nodded and came in, sitting down on the other one's bed with crossed legs. Undertaker smiled at the rather cute sight.  
“So...what exactly did Dr. Spears say to you?”  
“The same you did. And that I should accept if you still want to keep secrets from me, because he was sure you'd do it for my sake.”  
“That's right...I won't. You would see me in a different light then...”  
“Is it so bad?”  
“It's...you wouldn't understand it.”  
“Oh, okay...you don't need to tell me then.”  
I will find it out nonetheless...  
“Thank you. Maybe some day...”  
“Yeah...”  
“For now: Not being hurt anymore?”  
“Deal. Do you think...um...”  
He cleared his throat and Undertaker smiled.  
“What do I think?”  
“That maybe we could...cuddle?”  
The ex-mortician's smile turned into a big grin when he nodded and sat down next to Grell and pulled him half into his lap.  
“Of course we can, my pretty red rose.”  
Grell sighed softly, resting his head against Undertaker's chest and hugging him back. Yes, this was definitely better than being hurt and sitting alone under a tree.


	9. Day 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay!! School, you know...  
> Anywhere, Ihope I can make up for it with this little chappie :)

Day 18  
When he walked to Dr. Spears' office the next morning, after having a good sleep in Undertaker's arms, he felt like he had a rock in his guts. Why he would have a relaxed talk, his friend would be tortured again. At first he had wanted to come with him again, but Undertaker had said he should rather go to his own therapy. They would meet in the dining room after it so Grell could make sure he was alright.  
On his way he remembered that there was something else he wanted to talk about with Dr. Spears. Something utterly different he had forgotten due to that stress yesterday, now the stone grew even bigger.  
He knocked and came in, sitting down on the couch.  
“Good morning, Grell. How are you feeling today?”  
“I have a bad conscience. I can sit here and talk while Undie gets tortured...”  
“He doesn't gets tortured, he gets treated.”  
“I think it's the same. But I wanted to talk about that anyway. Can you help him? Is there a way to stop the therapy?”  
“They would stop it if he was healed, but that's difficult to say at his disorder. I'm afraid I can't do anything about it, I'm not his doctor. You could try to talk about that with Dr. Turner, but he's not the kind who would give up an interesting case. So no, I think you have to bear the thought. I'm sorry about that.”  
“Oh...okay. It's just...seeing him like that...”  
He bit his lip.  
“But that's not all. I talked to the electrician who controlled the electric shocks. He said that they use the technique with depression too...”  
Dr. Spears let his board sink down. He didn't say anything for a while, thinking how he could best explain the situation.  
“Yes. This therapy is indeed used at depressions. The problem is that the idea of it is quite new and this institute has only one machine for that. Because we have so many patients there is a waiting list for the patients with minor priorities, such as depressions. The ones with top priorities skip the list and get the therapy immediately. One of them was Undertaker.”  
“I...I see. Where am I on the list?”  
“Is this so important?”   
“It is.”  
“You were on top of the list. You would have been the next to get electric shocks, but then Undertaker came and had a higher priority than you.”  
Grell's eyes widened. He opened his mouth and closed it again, not knowing what to say to this. He would have been the next. If Undertaker hadn't come, he would be tied up to the chair now, shaking and screaming.  
“So he...he took my place?”, he finally whispered, his voice husky.  
“In a way, yes. Although he doesn't know of the waiting list and that you would have been the next one. Although I'm sure he would be relieved, as he wouldn't have wanted you to be in his place.”  
“I would have been the next...”  
His eyes widened suddenly.  
“Does that mean I will get electric shocks soon as well?”  
“No, don't worry. To be honest I'm not just here because I had time for another patient. After Dr. Turner had been called off, I signed in for the job and the first thing I did was taking you off the list. Two years ago Dr. Turner killed one of his patient because he overdid it and used too much power. He is more careful now, but still I try to get as many patients of the list as possible, one death was enough.”  
“A-And Undertaker?”  
“I had no chance to do the same for him, he was directly sent to Dr. Turner who is much more experienced than me, especially when it comes to people like Undertaker.”  
“But is he endangered? You said-”  
“I said Dr. Turner is more careful now too. That's not the only reason for my attempt to help you. I think the pain the electric shock therapy causes it's not worth its results.”  
“Then...thank you.”  
“You're welcome.”  
Grell looked down, being really shocked by the fact that he had been so close to being tortured as well. Although Undertaker having to endure it wasn't better in any way.   
“C-Can I go then? I need to see him and check if he's alright.”  
“Of course. I'm glad you're making such a progress, Grell, I just wanted you to know that.”

Grell nearly ran to the dining room, glad to find the familiar face on their usual table. He nearly ripped Undertaker off is chair to pull him into a tight hug  
“Oh my God, Undie...”  
“Hey...is something wrong?”  
“I'm just glad to see you save and sound. How bad was it?”  
“It...went faster today, so it was more bearable than yesterday. What about you?”  
“I...Dr. Spears told me something. I'll tell you later, for now let's eat.”  
He sat down at did so, looking at Undertaker all the time, though. He was too glad that he was okay that he needed to watch him all the time. Well, and Undertaker was really nice to look at.  
“Eat! Otherwise you'll get even thinner than you are”, Undertaker said with a light chuckle and nodded at the food in front of them what made Grell blush.

“So...what did our dear Dr. Spears tell you?”  
Grell sat down on his bed and hugged his legs. And then he told everything he's heard one hour ago to an ex-mortician who got more and more angry while he listened. At the end he had jumped up and paced around the room.  
“They wanted to do the same to you? These bastards wanted to torture you as well?! Oh this Dr. Turner. He deserves a special place in hell! How could yo do this to a poor thing who has done nothing wrong? How could you give someone who suffered all his life even more pain?! If he ever intends to do this, I swear I will cut him into pieces and force him to eat himself!”  
The last part was only growled and Grell hugged his legs tighter, he couldn't help but feel scared at this new, dangerous side of Undertaker. He sometimes nearly forgot that he must have done something so sick that he was here, but now he could imagine it quite good.  
The way Grell crouched there must have reminded him that he shouldn't loose his temper so easily and that the redhead was probably rather afraid of his behaviour, so he sat down too and looked at him in a much softer way.  
“Forgive me, I got a little too caught up in it. It's just the fact that they would torture such a small, beautiful creature as you, who didn't do anything wrong in his life, who had just been born into the wrong family and had so much pain already...”  
He looked at Grell with honest eyes and put an arm around his small shoulders, laying his lips onto his head.  
“It's okay. You just...scared me a little.”  
“Understandable. I'm really glad I could take your place...”  
“You didn't know it and it's not like you could have decided to do it or not.”  
“No, it was a lucky coincidence. Still...I couldn't live with the thought that my pretty rose gets treated like that.”  
“Why do you call me your rose?”  
“I thought it would fit you. Beautiful and fragile, yet strong in a way. Does it bother you?”  
“No, I was just curious. No one gave me a nickname before.”  
“I'm happy to be the first one.”  
Grell blushed at this statement and slid even closer to the other man until he nearly sat in his lap.  
“Oh, what is this supposed to be?”, Undertaker said with a smile in his voice.  
“I...um...wanted to be closer to you? I'm so glad to have you here with me now...”  
“You mean, without damage? Or rather without more damage than usual. But I'm too, there's nothing I would want more than to sit here with you and have you in my arms.”  
“Really?”  
“Yes.”

They sat there until the evening, hugging each other and talking. Grell told him more about his past, how his father had treated him in the worst way possible, how he had fun torturing him.  
“You see my wrists? When you look closely, you can see that the left one is a little sharper edged, here. You maybe have realised that I am left-handed. My father didn't like that and wanted to make me write with my right hand. I really tried it, but it didn't work. My handwriting wasn't readable, so I went back to using my left hand. He was furious when he found out. He tied my left wrist to a fence so I couldn't pull it away, to a stone and smashed it onto my wrist until it broke.”  
Undertaker, who was sitting behind Grell, legs wrapped around his hips, reached around Grell's body and gently took his left wrist, then kissed it in the most loving of all ways.  
“Don't think of that anymore. What he did to you was horrible, but now you are safe and he can never hurt you again...never. Think about the present, dear.”  
“I do...”  
He yawned softly and Undertaker smiled, wrapping his arms around the small of Grell's body and hugging him one last time before letting him go.  
“I guess it's time for bed.”  
“Yeah...can you...turn around while I undress?”  
“Of course.”  
He turned around immediately, although he was smiling all the time. Grell waited for a few seconds, then he quickly undressed and put on his pyjama, before crawling back onto the bed, wrapping his arms around Undertaker from behind.  
“You can look again.”  
“Okay. Then it's time for me to undress now. You can look or not, I don't care.”  
He stood up and pulled the shirt over his head, and Grell did indeed not look away, but took in the sight he was offered. Strong muscles on Undertaker's arms, chest and tummy, but not too much. It was just the right amount so you could feel protected from strangers, but didn't need to be afraid you could be crushed.  
He removed his pants to and a blush creeped to Grell's face, although he was still wearing his underwear.  
“No need to be ashamed”, Undertaker chuckled softly and slid under the covers next to Grell, then hugged him closely.  
“Sleep well, my pretty rose.”  
“Undie?”  
“Mh?”  
“Can you stroke my hair again?”  
“Of course.”  
He did so and the small redhead fell asleep soon. Undertaker smiled at how peaceful his expression looked now, how at ease. He bent down and kissed Grell's hair, then brushed his lips over his ear.  
“I love you...”, he whispered, closed his eyes and fell asleep too.


	10. Day 24

Day 24  
The week passed , things mostly being the same as usual. Grell eagerly awaited Undertaker after every therapy to look if he was alright. One time he didn't know where he was when he awoke and it took some minutes before his memory came back. He had to stay longer and Grell was worried to death, but apart from that it was quite relaxed. The sister had become used to the two of them sleeping together, but didn't say anything, although she didn't approve of it. One thing, however, didn't change at all: Grell was still eager to find out why Undertaker was here. His plan was to get his files and he knew that Dr. Spears had a copy in the big filing cabinet behind his desk. All doctors had copies of all the files in case something happened. Until now he hadn't gotten the chance to get it, because either Dr. Spears was in his office or it was locked, but he knew that his day would come, he just had to be patient.

It was a nice, sunny day and they were sitting under the tree in the garden again, watching how a bird caught a big worm and flew to another tree, probably to feed his babies.  
“Animals are great parents", Grell said after a while and Undertaker looked at him.  
“How come?”  
“They really care for their babies. They don't mistreat them. They make sure they are always fine. Well, at least birds and mammals, plus some reptiles and amphibians.”  
“I like animals. They are honest. And they aren't bad, everything they do is based on their instincts, therefore there are no evil animals.”  
“We are crazy that we talk about that.”  
“We are in an asylum and therefore allowed to talk about things like that. You said birds are good parents...do you want to have children yourself?”  
“Yes. Although I'm afraid that I wouldn't be a good mommy, because I don't know what a good mommy would do. Besides I will never have one anyway.”  
“Why?”  
“Why? Because I'm only interested in men, but I can't carry a baby either.”  
“You could adopt one.”  
“I know. But I would want my baby to look like the man I love. Is that stupid?”  
“It's far from stupid, I can understand you.”  
“What about you? Do you want children?”  
“If I meet a nice woman, yes. But if not, if my partner isn't able to have babies, then that would be okay too.”  
“You would be with someone who is sterile?”  
“I didn't say sterile, I said who can't have babies. If I loved them and would be happy, then I would never give them up for another partner with whom I could maybe have children, but still wouldn't be happy.”  
“Undie? Are you...um...are you interested in men or women?”  
Undertaker smiled lightly and leaned back against the tree.  
“I think the character is more important than the gender.”  
Grell's heart beat faster, but he didn't know why and closed his eyes to calm it down.  
The bird from earlier was now singing a happy melody and the redhead felt fully satisfied with the situation. He could be with Undertaker, he was able to sit in the shadow and relax and he was feeling good. Really good. The good without any pain in your guts. He sighed and Undertaker laid an arm around his shoulders.  
“Be careful, people could see us”, Grell said warningly, but the other man just waved it off.  
“Here's no one. Besides we don't do anything that is forbidden.”  
“No, but people could think we do and I don't want the electric shocks.”  
The thought of it was enough to make Undertaker take his arm back.  
“Another reason why I couldn't adopt a child. They would never allow two...two men to do so, they would rather send me back here directly. If I could ever even go home, that is.”  
“Well...it would be possible. You have quite womanly features and your body shape is rather a woman's one that a man's one. With some make up and a pretty dress you could trick most of the people.”  
“You think so? I always wanted to wear dresses and make up, sometimes, when my father wasn't there, I even did so, to feel prettier and more female. That makes another rule break.”  
Undertaker gently took his chin and forced Grell to look into his eyes, his own ones soft.  
“I think you are beautiful like that too, with your long, red lashes and to me you are like a woman, when that's what you want. You could just need some more flesh, mh?”  
He smiles and prodded Grell's side where his ribs could be felt far too good. And seen, but Undertaker could only imagine that. Grell, however, let his head sink, and stared at the grass next to his legs. He knew he was thinner than healthy due to the asylum and his sickness and one month ago he wouldn't have cared, but now he wanted to be beautiful for Undertaker, that means not a skeleton.  
“Did I say something wrong? I like you the way you are, don't misunderstand me, I just think being that thin is not good for your health.”  
“I can't do anything about it. The meal here isn't that nutritious or yummy enough to make me eat more than necessary and the drugs I take make it hard to gain weight, besides I wasn't able to do that anyway when I was still feeling horrible, maybe now under the right circumstances”, Grell said back rather bitchy. Undertaker looked at him.  
“I didn't want to offend you, I know it's hardly possible. Maybe you could start with eating more cookies?”  
He chuckled lightly and ruffled Grell's hair, who rolled his eyes.  
“No, really, dear, I think you are gorgeous and nothing can change that.”  
“Not even that I feel like a skeleton when you hug me or that my ribs feel like there wouldn't be any skin covering them at all?”  
“Of course not.”  
Undertaker smiled and ran his finger tips over Grell's ribs, then leaned back.  
“Oh by the way, they are planning to open a little shop were the patients can buy daily things, like books, good smelling soaps, stuffed animals and things like that, just for themselves, in the empty room near the entrance. It should be ready within the next days.”  
“Yeah? Sounds good, then I could buy a new book, something interesting, not like the old, boring books from the library.”  
For him it was just a theoretical consideration, though, because he had no money. The little money he had inherited from his father had been necessary for his funeral and the days after his death, before Grell had come to the asylum.  
“I still have shampoo and perfume from when I came here, but I definitely don't mind being able to buy new one.”  
“You have shampoo?” As if you couldn't smell that...  
“Yes”  
“Do you...do you think I could use this...as...well? I just have the things from the asylum and they aren't that good.”  
“Sure, I'll give you a bottle later.”  
“Thank you.”  
He sighed and leaned into Undertaker, glad to have such a good friend.  
“You know, you are a good proof that I'm not completely sick”, Grell muttered after a while.  
“Is that so?”  
“Yes. Before you came there was no hope of my state becoming better. They thought I could maybe have the borderline personality disorder.”  
“What's that?”  
“Depressed, potentially suicidal, had a hard childhood, afraid of being left alone, but pushing everyone away at the same time. Although I wasn't afraid to be alone, I rather enjoyed it. Anyway, the fact that we're friends now shows that I'm just depressed. That's good, because if I was a borderliner, I could never be healed.”  
“But you are feeling better.”  
“I am. Another proof. So...thank you for being here.”  
“Glad that I can help.”  
“Am I...helping you too?”  
“In a way, yes. Now I regret what I did, back then it seemed right to me. Although I would have never met you otherwise.”  
“You regret it? But then aren't you healed?”  
“Well...they would never believe me. Dr. Turner would probably think I just say that to get rid of the electric shocks.”  
“But then you can't win!”  
“No. I can't. But I don't deserve it, so that's alright.”


	11. Day 27

Day 27  
Grell felt uncomfortable when Undertaker nearly shoved him to the shop three days later.  
“You wanted a book, you said? What kind of?”  
“I would like a romantic novel, but-”  
“Over there are some.”  
He took a book into his hands and read what was written on the back, then repeated the action with some others while Grell looked around and didn't know what to say. He liked one of the perfumes a lot and there was a shampoo for extra long hair that smelled like strawberries, the stuffed bear looked cute too, but he was of course too old for that and now he had someone to cuddle with anyway.  
“This book sounds good, it's called 'Gone With The Wind.”  
“I heard of this one, it's supposed to be a really good book...”  
“Yes? Then that's perfect. What is your favourite book?”  
“I read 'Romeo and Juliet' at school and liked it a lot.”  
“Sounds good.”  
He put the book into a basket in his hands and Grell got a headache.  
“You still need a shampoo, so you don't have to use mine or the boring asylum one anymore. Which one do you want?”  
“The one for long hair. But really, I-”  
The shampoo was added to the book.  
“Undertaker!”  
“What?”  
He looked up, frowning lightly.  
“Do you want another one?”  
“No, that's not it...I...I don't have any money...”  
Grell faced the ground, ashamed that he couldn't even afford a bottle of shampoo. But how should he have gotten money?  
Undertaker lifted his chin up and smiled softly.  
“Hey...that's no problem, I can pay for you.”  
“No, you do so much for me already, I don't want you to do this too.”  
“And? I want to pay for you. Think about it like this: I have a benefit too, because I borrow the book from you and your hair smells like strawberry. So let me buy you the things now. Do you need anything else? Oh yes, shower gel. Good for me as well. Choose one.”  
Grell sighed and picked the one he thought smelled best.  
“Thank you, Undie.”  
“You're very welcome. Tell me if you want anything else. A stuffed animal? A pair of thick socks for winter?”  
“No, thank you. I have someone to cuddle with now.”  
Undertaker smiled at him and paid the things with the money he had gotten earlier. Every patient had a locker in the basement to keep their money, jewellery and other expensive things they didn't want to be stolen. Grell's locker was empty.

“What did you buy?”, the redhead asked when they came to his room.  
“Shampoo, perfume, nothing special. Oh, and a new razor.”  
Grell blushed. Before he had met Undertaker, he had been allowed to shave in the morning as long as the sister was there and had an eye on him, but now he used Undertaker's razor and it seemed like he could keep it. That was great, because then he could take it to the shower and shave his legs and everything.  
“Thanks.”  
“No problem. Make sure you hide it, you are still not allowed to have sharp things.”  
“Yeah, sure. So...what will we do the rest of the day?”  
“We could go for a walk, if you like? Or you read your new book.”  
“I'd like to do the latter, if that's okay for you.”  
“It is, then I'll sit here and...do you like foot massages?”  
“Uh...I don't know?”  
“Lean back against the wall and put your feet into my lap.”  
Grell frowned lightly and did so, getting goosebumps when Undertaker took one of his bare feet and started to massage it.  
“Wow, that feels good!”  
“Doesn't it?”  
“Is this really okay for you?”  
“Would I do it if it wasn't?”  
Grell nodded and took his new book from the nightstand.  
He did not only choose it because he had liked Romeo and Juliet, no, he wanted to find something out. The main character, a young lady called Scarlett O'Hara, was in love with an Ashley (Grell frowned at this name, why was he called like a woman?), that's what he knew already. He took in all the descriptions of her feelings, and there were rather many, not forgetting one detail. Then he compared them to his own feelings. Well...they were...similar. He peeked over the book to find Undertaker being busy with his other foot right now. The ex-mortician saw the motion from the corner of his eye and smiled a little.  
“Good?”  
“Y-Yes.”  
Grell buried his face behind the book again, cheeks red. Oh dear God...

In the evening he had no idea what the main plot of the book was, but he could recall every sentence Scarlett O'Hara said about her Ashley, also how hurt she was when he announced his marriage to another woman. She felt sick, horrible, like she wanted to die. Grell didn't know this feeling in that context, but he didn't like it at all. They way she thought of Ashley before that was much better. And much more familiar.  
He laid the book aside and looked at Undertaker, who had stopped massaging after an hour or so. He had leaned back against the wall, his head was resting on his chest and he was sleeping peacefully. Grell smiled and stood up carefully to prepare himself for bed. Then he gently pulled Undertaker down into a lying position and cuddled up to his chest, ignoring the feeling in his tummy Scarlett O'Hara had called butterflies.


	12. Day 28

Day 28  
Grell awoke when Undertaker shuffled under him and sat up, rubbing his eyes.  
“Oh...I must have fallen asleep...”, the ex-mortician said when he realised he was still in his clothes.  
“You were. So, what are we doing today?”  
Undertaker's expression darkened.  
“Nothing. You know what today is.”  
Grell's face fell and he bit his lips. He should have thought of this. Today was the weekly test. That meant he wouldn't see his Undie the whole day. He got a stone in his guts when he slowly stood up and took his towels and the new shampoo and shower gel.  
“Oh...yes...I know what day is. Do you want me to pick you up later?”  
“Would be nice. You find the room?”  
“Yes.”  
The memory of the old hallway alone was enough to hunt shivers down Grell's back. He would never forget the sight of this place that nearly promised that bad things were happening there.

After he had taken his shower, he went to Dr. Spears' office, hair still slightly damp and smelling heavenly, especially when you were used too the asylum shampoo.  
The doctor sniffed lightly when Grell came in.  
“New shampoo”  
“Yes. Undie bought it for me.”  
“Smells good. So...how are you feeling?”  
“That depends. I was feeling good when I woke up, but...today is test-day again and that gives me a really unpleasant feeling.”  
“Understandable. Is there anything you want to talk about or shall I ask you questions?"  
“There...there is a topic...”  
“Yes? Then tell me, I will listen.”  
“I um...I..”  
He licked over his lips and Dr. Spears looked at him in a way that was both comforting and encouraging.  
“I think I am...I am in...in love.”  
Grell cleared his throat and looked down, waiting for an answer. It had cost all his courage to say this, not only because he felt ridiculous and pathetic, but because Will had warned him too.  
“With Undertaker”, Dr. Spears said, his tone unreadable. Grell bit his lip and nodded slowly, not trusting his voice.  
“How come you think so?”  
“I...I thought about it for quite a while now, because I really like him. Yesterday I read a romantic novel and my feelings are very similar to the ones of the woman in love.”  
“Grell...a book is a book, it doesn't need to be realistic.”  
“My knees get weak every time I see him and I my tummy turns upside-down when he touches me. I feel complete and satisfied all the time, but when he's not there, I miss him so much..."  
Dr. Spears pursed his lips lightly.  
“Well...I'm afraid that sounds a lot like you think the right thing...”  
“Then what am I supposed to do now?”  
“That's up to you. You could ignore it but that would be hard. You could tell him. You could wait until he makes the first step. Then you could either say that you like him too or turn him down. But if you turned him down he would probably be hurt.”  
“And if I did not turn him down?”  
Dr. Spears looked at him closely.  
“Then you would have to be really, really careful, Grell. I mean it. If you two had a relationship and someone found out about it, Dr. Turner in the worst case, you two would be separated and weren't allowed to see each other anymore, you would both get electric shocks and you would probably never get out of here. That means no kisses in public, no holding hands, not even looking at the other one in an in-love way. Nothing.”  
Grell looked at him like a deer in flash lights.  
“O-Okay. Although I don't even know if he likes me back. I guess I will wait for him to make the first step. And when he doesn't...then I will have to ignore my feelings.”  
“But don't talk about it with anyone, apart from me.”  
“You won't tell anyone?”  
“I won't.”  
“Thank you for your help. Can I ask you a private question?”  
“That depends.”  
“Do you have a girlfriend too?”  
“No...but...there's someone I like.”  
He shuffled lightly and Grell could swear his cheeks were getting a little darker.  
“Then why don't you make the first step?”  
“Because we could never be together. Enough questions, it's time for lunch.”  
“Yeah...what are you doing after lunch?”  
“Me? My 2 pm patient is sick, so I have a free day. I will probably read until my 6 pm patient comes...and after that I will go home.”  
“That means you have time. Do you think we could...spend the day together?”  
“Excuse me? I'm afraid this is not possible.”  
Grell's face fell.  
“'Oh...oh...I just thought we could talk a little, so I won't be alone alone all day, but...until tomorrow then.”  
He stood up and was just about to leave when Dr. Spears couldn't take his heartbreakingly pitiful expression anymore.  
“Wait. I think I can spend one or two hours with you.”  
The redhead turned around again and even if he was not smiling, you could see how happy he was.  
“Thank you! You won't regret it, I promise.”  
“Yeah...we can meet in front of my office.”

With this prospect, the day wasn't that bad anymore. Grell ate his meal without really noticing the bad taste, he was too glad right now. He knew what he would do about Undertaker and he didn't have to sit in his room all day. It wasn't like he needed to be entertained all the time, he just didn't want to be alone, or rather without company he liked, as he could sit in the common room too, surrounded by people muttering nonsense (A man whose name he didn't knew said nothing but '4,8,15,16,24,43' all day) or being stared at by a rather creepy man.  
He walked back to the office, glad that Dr. Spears was there already, so he obviously hadn't changed his mind. He still wore his black suit, but had removed the tight and for him, this was casual.  
“Do we want to go to the garden? To the place where you found me the day I was angry at Undie?”  
“If you want this...”  
They walked to exactly the place Grell had described and sat down in the grass, Grell with his legs pulled to his chest and Dr. Spears perfectly straight.  
“Isn't this rather uncomfortable?”  
“It isn't. So...what did you want to talk about?”  
“Nothing special, but definitely not the things we talk about in the therapy. Dr. Spears? Why do you always help me?”  
“You...You can call me William when I'm not with you as your doctor.”  
“William? That's a beautiful name. Quite long, though. Can I call you Will?”  
The doctor tensed. Why was he doing this again?  
“If you like that better...but back to your question. As I already said, I helped you to get off the list because I don't like the method. And why I'm giving you advices...I think enough bad things happened to you. Besides...I can understand you.”  
“Why?”  
“That's none of your business.”  
Grell felt a bit taken aback and looked down, feeling reminded of how Undertaker kept secrets from him, only Will didn't do it because he wanted to protect him, but because he didn't like him enough.  
“Can you tell me more about the person you like then? How did you meet?”  
“Grell, I'm sorry, but I can't tell you. Everything I would say would be too much already.”  
“Can I at least know her name?”  
Dr. Spears tensed again.  
“No.”  
“Okay...then we won't talk.”  
The redhead crossed his arms and stared at a point in the grass before him. Dr. Spears sighed and adjusted his glasses.  
“Your state really is improving, you know that? One month ago you wouldn't have cared about anything at all and you would have never annoyed a person because you wanted to know things about their private life”.  
“But that's good, isn't it?”  
“Technically yes.”  
“You don't trust me, do you?”  
“Excuse me?”  
“You don't trust me. That's why you don't want to tell me, it's something delicate. Maybe she's a star or so.”  
“You are right, it is delicate. The problem is not that I don't trust you, I'm just careful.”  
“I told you about my feelings for Undertaker as well.”  
Will sighed again, he didn't want to discuss about this further. Maybe he should just tell Grell?  
“Okay. But you need to promise me to never tell anyone. Not even Undertaker.”  
“I promise.”  
“The person I like...it's one of my patients.”  
Grell's eyes widened.  
“A patient? But then it's-”  
“A man. Yes. Therefore it has to stay a secret. He is male and my patient, that would not only be a reason to fire me, but to make me a patient myself as well.”  
“And he? Does he like you?”  
“I don't know.”  
“What's his name?”  
“Ronald. Ronald Knox.”  
“How does he look like? Maybe I know him?”  
“I don't think so, he lives in a different wing. It was a lucky coincidence that I got him. He has blonde hair, only the tips in his neck are black, and green eyes. He's smaller than me, maybe 1,80 metres. He's a good one...”  
“Why is he here, then?”  
“Bipolar disorder. It got better already, he's happy most of the time. But that can always change.  
One second he laughs and the next he cries...”  
“Oh...that must be hard.”  
“It is. But when he smiles...”  
His expression and tone got much softer, Grell had never seen him like this. But it lasted only a second, then Will looked at him strictly.  
“Keep it a secret, I have your promise.”  
“Of course I will. You have my best wishes. But why don't you just try it and tell him about your feelings? You just would have to be careful if he liked you back”, Grell copied Will's words from earlier, who rolled his eyes, but thought that maybe the little redhead wasn't that wrong.  
“Grell? I have to go and look through some files now before the next meeting. See you tomorrow.”  
“Yeah, okay. And thank you for coming with me, that was much better than being alone.”  
“I have to admit it was indeed. I think I'll...follow your advice.”  
He stood up and brushed his suit off, although it still looked perfect, then he walked back to the building and left Grell alone, who enjoyed the nice weather for some time and followed. He still had more than three hours left until he had to pick Undertaker up, so he continued reading his book, or rather started from the beginning again, this time concentrating on the plot. The book was rather good, although Grell couldn't understand that Scarlett was sad when she was only allowed to wear black dresses after her husband had died, he would have loved that after all the gray and white clothes and colourful surrounding in the asylum. Well, and red. He had once seen a beautiful red ballroom dress in one of the expensive shops of the city and fallen in love with it immediately. His father would have never allowed him to wear something like that, though.

When it was nearly time, he stood up and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He brushed his hair and braided it with some effort, until he was satisfied. If he had had make up, he would have put it on. Unfortunately there wasn't any at the new shop. Well, it was an asylum for men, so what did you expect.   
He walked to the door behind which Undertaker was treated or tested or whatever, unsure whether to knock or not. In the end he just waited in front of it, not keen on seeing him on the electric chair again.  
Suddenly the door opened and the ex-mortician stepped out. He smiled when he saw Grell, although he still looked like he would collapse every second.  
“Undie? Are you okay?”  
“Yeah, I am. I just need to relax a little.”  
They walked to Grell's room together and Undertaker sat down on the bed, burying his face in his hands. The redhead looked at him compassionately and started to stroke his back.  
“How was it?”  
“They repeated the whole procedure for three or four times, so...it was hard.”  
Grell bit his lip.  
“Dr. Turner is a bastard. I'm so sorry for you.”  
“Better me than you, so don't be. How was your day? I hope you didn't feel too alone.”  
“I didn't, I spent some hours with Will.”  
“Will?”  
“I mean Dr. Spears. I asked him if he would like to spend some time with me after lunch. First he refused, but my sad face must have changed his mind.”  
Undertaker frowned shortly, then stared at Grell with an unreadable expression.  
“Aha. What did you do?”  
“We went to the garden, you know, the place where the two of us sat too and talked about our lives.”  
“What did you tell him?” The frown on his face deepened.  
“Ah, I rather listened to what he said.”  
“Then what did he tell you?”  
“I'm not allowed to tell you, I'm sorry. I promised him to not”, Grell said honestly. Undertaker, however crossed his arms, the frown coming back to his face.  
“I see. Sou you and dear Willie-boy are best friends now? How wonderful.”  
“Did I say something wrong?”  
“No. You wouldn't understand it. So, you had a nice evening with him?”  
“Don't make it sound like it would be something bad!”  
“But what if it is? Stupid Undertaker doesn't have time for you, because he is too busy getting electric shocks that feel like a fire would burn through your veins and you would die every second, you hope to die every second, so Grell searches for a new friend to keep him busy, cause the poor thingy is bored when he is alone”, he said furiously, his voice getting louder with every word.  
Grell looked at him with wide eyes, lips trembling. Then he stood up and rushed out of the room, not caring about Undertaker shouting “Grell!”. He ran down the hallways, sometimes turning left or right, until he had no idea where he was and that was good that way. He slid down at the wall and hugged his knees. Tears were running down his cheeks now.  
He had been screamed at enough in his life, he had been accused of enough already, and now Undertaker was doing exactly the same. What had he done wrong? He didn't want to spend the day alone, so he asked someone to give him company. He wasn't Undertaker's property, so he was allowed to do meet everyone he wanted. Besides he hadn't anything inappropriate with Will, there was no reason for Undertaker to freak out.  
A sob escaped his lips and he hid his face with his hands. It was just like back then with his father, he wouldn't have wondered if he had gotten beaten now.  
Two men walked down the hallway and stopped shortly when they saw the crying mess leaned against the wall, but then continued walking.  
Grell looked up when they had left, glad to be alone again. He wiped over his face with his sleeve, but new tears came all the time. Looking at his wrist despite the blurry vision he wanted to do nothing more than to rip the skin open that was fully healed, but full of thin, white scars now, with his nails if necessary. Oh yes, he would do that. He would search for a nice, peaceful place and do it. Unfortunately he was in his room, so he would have to find another place. But he would make it. Yes.

He walked around a corner and saw a toilet not too far away. Quickening his pace, he opened the door and – a hand closed around his wrist. He whirled around to see Undertaker standing in front of him, having a pained expression. Ah, so he was the one hurt now? New tears were falling and Grell ripped his wrist free, holding it against his chest like he wanted to protect it.  
“Grell...”, Undertaker said huskily, facing the ground, though.  
“What?! Do you want to yell at me further? Or beat the shit out of me? Go ahead, I'm used to it!”  
He sobbed again.  
“N-No...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have freaked out like that.”  
“Just tell me: What did I do wrong?! Why did you have to scream at me like that?”  
“It's nothing you really did. I was stresses because of the whole day and when I heard that you were with Dr. Spears and he told you things about himself...then I got jealous. You don't know how sorry I am, how much I regret that I was like that...I...I reminded you of your father, didn't I?”  
“Yes.” Another sob. Undertaker looked at him desperately. He wanted to take Grell into his arms and never let him go again, but he knew it would just worsen the situation.  
“I'm so sorry, Grell...if I could turn the time back, I'd do it, but I can't. So I can just say sorry and hope that you will accept this. Please believe me...”  
Grell wiped over his face again, finally being able to stop crying, and looked up, eyes red.  
“You were jealous?”  
“Yeah...”  
“Why?”  
“Because I thought you would like him more than me...it was stupid of me, because when you do, then it's your decision. I don't own you, so I can't forbid you to be friends with someone that is not me.”  
“No. You can't. But how could you think I like him more?! I just spend one day with him, not even that, two hours or so. But with you I spend every day for the last four weeks.”  
“Yeah, I know...I said I was stupid.”  
“You were.”  
“Can you forgive me?”  
“If you promise to never yell at me again...”  
“I promise it! Just please, forgive me...”  
Grell bit his lips, then he nodded slowly and Undertaker smiled widely.  
“...can I?”, Undertaker asked softly and when Grell nodded again, he used his shirt to wipe the last tears off Grell's face.  
“Do we want to go back to your room?”  
“Okay. What did you do after I had left?”  
“I cursed and hated myself and then I ran after you. Needed some time to find you, though. Do you um...wanted to do what I think you wanted to do when I found you?”  
“Yes. With my nails.”  
“Oh...I'm sorry that I hurt you that's much.”  
“Can't change it now.”  
“No...still I was an idiot. Um...Grell? Was the thing Dr. Spears told you that he...liked you? I mean...really?”  
Undertaker's voice was rather quite and unsure and Grell's gaze that had been emotionless all the time, softened a bit.  
“No. He told me about the person he's in love with, but it's not me. I'm not allowed to tell you more, though. He only said it because I was quite annoying.”  
The ex-mortician relaxed visibly and smiled a little. He could imagine how Grell had asked again and again quite well. But what was much more important: There was no need for him to be jealous or do terrible things to dear Will.  
They arrived at Grell's room, thanks to Undertaker's good orientation and guidance.  
“So...do you want to go to bed now?”, the white haired man asked, holding back a yawn.  
“Yeah, why not. Turn around.”  
He did so, already stripping to his underwear as well.  
Grell sat down on the bed and started to undo his braid, but he was stopped.  
“Don't. If you let it be, you have curls tomorrow.”  
“Okay.”  
He let his hair be and lied down under the comforter, unsure how to act now. Should he hug cuddle up to Undertaker like nothing happened? A glance to the side told him that said man didn't know either. After a while the silverette just laid down next to him, not touching him, though.  
“You can...um...if you want...”  
“Sure?”  
“Yeah...”  
Only a second later he was hugged closely. And yup, there were the butterflies again. Masses of butterflies. Hordes.


	13. Day 29

Day 29  
When they sat at the dining table the next day, Undertaker suddenly cleared his throat.  
“You'll have to excuse me for some time.”  
“Oh no, tests again?”  
“No, no, don't worry. Just for thirty minutes or so.”  
“Okay?”  
“Can you wait for me in front of your room? I'll hurry.”  
Without even waiting for an answer, he brought his tablet back and left the dining room. Grell shrugged and ate up slowly, then he walked back to his room, waiting in front of it. What could Undie have to do now? Probably something for Dr. Turner. Well, or he wanted to beat Will up...ahem.  
He didn't have time to think about this further, because arms wrapped around his waist from behind, then someone kissed his head.  
“The curls look gorgeous on you.”  
The redhead leaned back into the touch, closing his eyes and simply enjoying it for a second, then he turned around.  
“What did you do now?”  
“I have a surprise for you.”  
Undertaker pulled a cloth out of his pocket, grinning widely. He carefully tied it around Grell's head until he couldn't see anything and took his arm.  
“Trust me, I won't let you walk against a wall. Now come. Yes, here left and then straight forward.”  
“What is this about anyway?”  
“I want you to not know what I have planned. Although you probably don't know the room anyway.”  
“Undieee”  
“No discussion, or I will carry you.”  
To Grell, this wasn't a threat at all. He would have /loved/ to be carried, but unfortunately this would have been too close for public, so he just went where he was guided. They walked for quite a while until they stopped and Grell could hear the low tingling of a key. He heard how the key opened a door and was shoved into a new room. It smelled old and dusty like it hadn't been used for quite a while now.  
Finally the cloth that covered his sight was removed. He blinked a few times. The room he was in was indeed dusty – and nearly empty. The floor was covered in a beautiful, old parquet, the walls were white and in the corner stood an old looking machine. Nothing else.  
“Undie? What's this room? And what's that thing in the corner?”  
Undertaker chuckled.  
“Patience, dear. This room was a lounge for the staff, but it's not used anymore. The furniture was transported to a bigger room, the thing you can see in the corner it's the only thing left, because they bought a new one. Before you ask, I asked Dr. Spears for the key and he gave it to me because he thought it would be good for you.”  
“Then what is this machine thingy?”  
“It's a gramophone.”  
“A gramo-oh, I know this! I learned about it in school, but I have never seen one...we didn't have enough money for one...”  
“No problem. So you know what it does?”  
“It plays music.”  
“Exactly. So that's why you are here.”  
“To listen to music?”  
The white haired man chuckled again.  
“Not only that. You will dance to the music too.”  
“D-Dance? But I can't dance!”  
“But I can and that's enough.”  
He smiled and walked to the gramophone, kneeling down in front of it. In the little cupboard under it were lots of disc records and Undertaker searched until he found one he liked. He put it onto the the round tile, then he sat the needle down on it and played with some buttons until a slow song begun.  
“You made it!”  
“Of course I did. This is Slow Waltz. Come here.”  
He curled a finger at Grell, who stepped to the middle of the room hesitantly.  
“Really, I don't know the steps.”  
“Doesn't matter. See?”  
Undertaker wrapped his arms around the small figure and pulled him up a little until he stood on his own feet.  
“Wow, you are strong!”  
“I still am, used to work out. I got lazy since I'm here. Although you don't need to be string to lift you up, you're like a feather. So...now put your left hand on my shoulder and lay the other one into mine while I hold you at your waist. Usually it's the back, but I don't want you to fall. Ready? Okay, then I'll start now.”  
He held Grell a little closer and carefully started to dance. The redhead shrieked, but then relaxed and leaned into his touch. God, this was great.  
“If you feel to unsafe like that, you can wrap your arms around my neck too.”  
“That would be great.”  
Grell did so and felt Undertaker's now free arm lay around his waist. He hugged him tighter and his heart nearly exploded when his dancing partner leaned down and buried his face in the crook of his neck.  
The little redhead closed his eyes, pulling him even closer, and Undertaker smiled.

When they left the room and the ex-mortician locked it again, Grell had no idea what time it was, it felt like he had been in another world...or a dream. He could have danced forever, but eventually his dancing partner had stopped, thanked him for the dance and turned the music down.  
“Can we do this again? But then I want to learn the steps, so we can really dance together.”  
“Of course we can. I can show you the steps tomorrow, we don't need music for that, it's pretty easy, just three steps back and then three steps forth. So...you liked my surprise? I wanted to make up for yesterday...”  
Grell's expression turned serious.  
“I said I forgive you, so you don't need to make up for anything. But yes, the surprise was great. No one ever did something like that for me before. I...I can be really glad to know you.”  
“No problem, dear, I am too...”  
He ran a hand through the red curls shortly and guided the redhead back to his room.  
“I'll come soon, I just need to give back the key.”  
“No problem, I'll take the time and put on my pyjama already.”  
“Do that.”  
Grell went into the room and changed his clothes, brushed his teeth and sat down on the bed, thinking about his Undie all the time. How he had thought up a surprise for his unimportant self, how he had held him in his arms and buried his face in his neck...  
His heart beat faster again and he was getting goosebumps, this man was just perfect. So strong, but caring and loving at the same time. Well, he had done a mistake, but everyone did every now and then and he had-  
“Grell? I'm back.”  
Grell's head shot up and his tummy prickled when Undertaker came in and sat down next to him.  
“Do you want to sleep now? You look tired.”  
“N-No. I'd rather learn the dancing steps. Dancing with you was great.”  
And I don't want to stop already...  
“Now? But okay You start with your left foot back, then the right one over there and close. Then the same forth. Yes like that. The man guides, so he decides how much you turn all the time.”  
The white haired men took Grell's right hand again and laid pulled him close.  
“Now we try it together.”  
They slowly danced together, and the redhead wished nothing more than to be that close to him again, so he slowly pulled him closer and closer until their bodies were touching lightly and he could lean his forehead against Undertaker's shoulder, who smiled at the cuteness of his little darling.  
“Yes...that's it”, he whispered into Grell's ear softly before laying his lips to the side of his head.  
The younger one looked up after a while and met an intense green stare. You could get lost in these eyes...  
Undertaker slowly leaned down, his face getting nearer and nearer and Grell was ripped back to reality. Undertaker wasn't about to...was he? What was he supposed to do now? Give in? Run away? Damn, this was all so new for him. His heart beat increased even more, but now it wasn't a nice feeling anymore, now it was rather panic.   
He turned his head to the side when Undertaker's soft looking lips were only centimetres from his own ones.  
“No.”  
Undertaker straightened immediately and looked down to hide both his shame for being so direct and his hurt. Grell took a step back, fear still written in his eyes.  
“I-I'm sorry. I'm not ready for this yet.”  
The other one looked up again, eyes soft now.  
“Don't be sorry, it was my fault. I shouldn't have...it's okay when you don't want this.”  
“I do want this, I...like you quite a lot, but...not now. This goes too fast for me, I need more time to...”  
“Grell, look at me. Take all the time you need, I don't to push you or anything, everything's fine.”  
“I...thank you.”  
“No problem, dear.”  
“Can we...go to bed then?”  
“Of course.”  
He lied down on the bed and slid to the wall to give Grell room, then he gently hugged him from behind.  
“Is that okay?”  
“Yes.”  
“Good. Then sleep well, my pretty rose...”  
And that's what Grell did.


	14. Day 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the name Luther Garland.

Day 30  
Oh my God, what have I done. Why was I so stupid?! It could have been so wonderful, but I had to ruin everything, because I wasn't courageous enough to simply let him do it. What if he never tries it again now? Oh damn...  
Theses were Grell's thoughts when he awoke the next day and stood up carefully, looking at the still sleeping form on the bed with a pained expression. To escape the scene, he took his towels and shampoo and walked to the showers at the other side of the hallway. He undressed, stepped under the hot water and leaned his forehead against the wall. He had so wanted for Undertaker to pull him in and kiss him, but when it had been about to happen...  
“Why can't my stupid mind just decide for one option?”  
The redhead massaged the shampoo into his hair to soothe his headache. Maybe he should take his last Aspirin and ask someone for more.  
When he was clean, he tied the towel around his chest closely, making sure it couldn't slip and grabbed his shampoo, ready to leave. He reached for the door, but it opened before he had even touched it and a tall man came in.  
“We should take a shower now, what do you think? Yes, a hot shower sounds good, and after that we'll have breakfast. Oh yes, I'm hungry too.”  
The man put down his things and only then noticed Grell, who was still standing next to the door, frozen.  
“Oh, but what do we have here? I'd say it's a pretty little thingy. Very pretty. Looks like a doll. It indeed does, maybe we should play with it? Dolls are for playing with them. That's what I said.”  
The man walked closer to Grell, who moved back until his back was touching the wall.  
“O-Oh hi...nice to meet you...”  
“It's is talking to us. Yeah, I can hear it. Such a pretty doll...”  
He reached for Grell and touched his arm, his expression still being serious, though. The redhead winced and slid closer to the door.  
“I think I have to go now, nice to have met you, but-”  
“You will not go. No, we will play with you first, dolly. This is going to be fun. Much fun. Now grab it, we don't want the pretty, little toy to escape. No, we don't want that.”  
The man reached out, but in that moment Grell moved aside and opened the door. He ran down the hallway as fast as possible and stopped in front of his door, suddenly feeling a warm, wet hand on his shoulder that turned him around.  
“Hehehe, got you. Now you won't escape again, dolly. Now we'll play with you.”  
Grell moved his hand behind his back and opened the door, nearly falling into the room.  
“You are right, a room is better. We don't want the bad sister to come. I hate her....me too, she always ruins our fun.”  
He entered into the room, grinning like a child on Christmas Eve, and Grell took another two steps back.  
“Grell?”, someone else asked. Oh thank God...  
“U-Undie! I...I...”  
“It's fine, I'm here.”  
The stranger looked at Undertaker and his face darkened.  
“It's our toy! Yes, we found it first! We won't give it to you now! You can have it when we're done playing, but for now it's ours!”  
Undertaker shoved Grell, who was clasping his towel like his life would depend on it, behind himself and faced the man.  
“You better go now.”  
“No, we won't! It's our toy...”  
He was about to shove the taller man aside and finally get his toy, when a nurse appeared in the door.  
“Mr. Garland! There you are, little rascal. Escaped me when I got your new clothes, mh? Now let's go back and wash you.”  
“No! We don't want to go! Yes, we found a new toy. A doll!”  
The nurse turned to Undertaker, sighting lowly.  
“I'm sorry if he scared you. He is harmless, but when you don't know him...”  
“He scared my friend. You better take him away now and make sure he won't escape again, because if he ever touches Miss Sutcliff here again, then I won't be that nice.”  
“Of course, I'm sorry again. Have a good day.”  
She took the complaining man's wrist and pulled him away, telling him what a bad boy he had been until her voice couldn't be heard anymore.  
Undertaker closed the door and turned to Grell, who was still standing in the middle of the room with his towel, eyes wide and shaking. He gently shoved the redhead to the bed and made him sit down, rubbing his back through the towel in a soothing way.  
“Did he hurt you?”  
“N-No he just...he said he waited to play with me...or rather they. I had just finished showering and wanted to leave when he came in. He called me a doll and wanted to grab my arm, then I ran away and...oh God.”  
“Shh, it's okay, dear. Now you are here and everything's fine.”  
“Yeah...yeah, I know. Thank you for your help.”  
“You're welcome. Why didn't you wake me earlier?”  
Grell shrugged, his heart beat slowly going back to normal.  
“You looked so peaceful and I needed some time to think...about yesterday.”  
“Oh. That.”  
“Yeah...you know, I wanted to kiss you, but when it was about to happen, I panicked.”  
“As I said yesterday already, don't worry. I thought it was a good moment, but when you aren't ready, then it's okay.”  
“Okay...can I...dress now?”  
“Oh, of course. Until dinner then.”  
“Okay.”

“Good morning, Dr. Spears.”  
“Good morning. I don't want to offend you, but you look rather...”  
“Horrible? I had a nice encounter with one of the other patients.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“A so called Mr. Garland came to me to the shower, said he wanted to play with me and followed me to my room. Oh, and he had multiple personalities that talked all the time.”  
He sat down on the couch and pulled his legs up while Dr. Spears nodded knowingly.  
“I know whom you mean. Don't worry, he is not dangerous. And when he says he wants to play with you, he means it. Like parlour games.”  
“I was so afraid of him...but...Undie was there to protect me.”  
His voice got more tenderly at that.  
“How was the dancing?”  
“Great! Thank you so much. It was so wonderful to be that close to him...but...we went to my room and he showed me the steps, so we could really dance together, and then...he tried to kiss me...”  
Dr. Spears eyes widened. He leaned forward in his chair, even forgetting to adjust his glasses.  
“He tried to?”  
“I...I said no.”  
“You...I thought that was what you wanted?”  
“It was...but then...I just panicked. Although I regret it now. What if he never tries it again?”  
“I'm sure he will, don't worry.”  
“I try my best. How...how is Mr. Knox?”  
Will gave him a small and very short smile before saying: “No difference until now.”  
“That's a pity. Update me, okay?”  
“You won't accept a no, am I right?”  
“Exactly.”  
“Okay...then I'll do it. I see him today, and...yeah.”  
“Have luck. Can I go now? Undie said we'd meet at lunch.”  
“Do you miss him so much when he's not there?”  
“...yes?”  
“Then hurry.”  
“Thank you!”  
Grell jumper up and rushed to the dining room, heart beating faster when he saw Undertaker at their usual table. He wanted to sit down in his lap or at least really close to him, but that wasn't such a good idea...  
“How was your therapy?”, the ex-mortician asked with a smile.  
“Too long.”  
“Too long?”  
“Yes. Any plans for today? Surprises?”  
“I'm afraid not. We could stay in your room, though, and just enjoy some time together.”  
Grell got goosebumps at only the thought of it and hurried to eat up so they could go back to his room. The dancing yesterday had been great, but nothing could beat cuddling in bed.  
He sat down on said furniture, watching how Undertaker did the same and ran a hand through his hair.  
“You look tired.”  
“I am. The nice uncle doctor thought it was funny to make me unconscious a few times.”  
“hate him.”  
He looked at Undertaker and suddenly got an idea. He had never done that before, but it was worth a try, wasn't it? It couldn't get worse after all.  
“Remove your shirt and lie down on your back.”  
“What?”  
“Simply do it.”  
The silverette frowned, but did so. He made a surprised sound when he suddenly felt Grell's small hands on his back and it turned into a moan when the redhead started to massage him softly.  
“Good? I have never done that before, so if I'm too rough or it's not pleasant, feel free to tell me.”  
“No, it's...aaaah...it's perfect. You are a natural talent. Now a little more at the right side.”  
Another moan escaped his lips and Grell blushed madly.  
“Don't be that loud!”  
“Sorry, this is just heavenly...”  
“That's good. You looked so worn out.”  
“I was, but now...”  
Grell concentrated on his back again. His glorious back. It was formed like a T with broad shoulders and strong muscles everywhere. What had Undertaker said? He had gotten lazy since he was here, but Grell couldn't agree with that. No, this man wasn't lazy at all. He was rather like...what was the man from Greek Mythology called again? Adonis. Yes, Undertaker was like Adonis, only that his face was equally beautiful as his body.  
He ran his hands down the man's shoulders and over his strong arms. He could feel every muscle under his fingers, this was amazing. The only problem was that he couldn't reach every part of this awesome back. He looked to the side and at Undertaker's bum. It was so hot too...maybe he could sit down on it? That would make is work much easier. Could he just ask his Undie if that was okay? Wait, was it okay for himself? Well, he would be rather close, but the kind of close where he was in control of everything. Besides...he /wanted/ to be close to this wonderful man.  
“Um U-Undie? Do you mind if I sit down on your...lower back? This would massaging you easier.”  
Undertaker grinned into his pillow.  
“No, not at all, make yourself comfortable.”  
Grell licked over his lips, got to his knees and slowly placed one of his legs on the other side of Undertaker's hips, before sitting down fully.  
His bum did not only look good, it felt good as well. Right now it was soft, but still firm and Grell didn't even dare to imagine how it would feel like when it's owner was standing. He swallowed, then forced himself to concentrate on massaging again.  
Undertaker had closed his eyes and was simply enjoying both the feeling of his little rose on top of him and the massage. His breathing got calmer and calmer until he slowly drifted off.

“Undie?”, Grell whispered a few minutes later, but it was too late. His 'victim' had fallen asleep. He looked at the clock over the door. Nearly half past two...if he took the chance and made haste...  
He got off Undertaker and stretched, it was a pity to leave his love alone now, but he was too curious to meet the man Will was in love with. Stroking Undertaker's cheek, he hoped he wouldn't wake up and notice he wasn't there anymore, then he silently left the room and went straight to Will's office.  
The door was closed, so he waited in front of it. Will had said that he would see his Ronald later that day and he already knew that Will had a patient at two pm, so the chance was high that it was his love.  
He was just about to loose his patience when the door opened and a wide smiling man came out. His hair was a mop of blonde and black and he was really handsome. Grell looked at him curiously.  
“Excuse me, but are you Ronald Knox?”  
The man looked at him surprised, but then grinned again.  
“I am indeed! Who are you?”  
”My name is Grell, I'm one of Dr. Spears' patients as well. He told me about you and I wanted to meet you myself.”  
“He did? He talked about me? What did he say?”  
Now he seemed like a hyper little rabbit.  
“He um...he said you had...interesting hair?”  
“Yeah? Uff, I'm glad he likes it. I think it looks cool, but you can never be sure, huh...”  
“You seem to like him a lot.”  
Ronald blushed, running a hand through his hair.  
“Maybe? But don't tell him, okay?”  
“Of course not. Your hair looks as great as he said, by the way.”  
“Thanks a lot! Yours too. So, did you just came here because of that?”  
“I was curious and because my friend fell asleep in my room...”  
“Your friend?”  
He grinned.  
“Y-Yes? Is something wrong about that?”  
“No, no, it's alright. When you have time anyway, do we want to go to the commercial room and talk a little?”  
“Why not, I just don't have too much time, I don't want my friend to wake up and be worried where I am.”  
They turned to head for the nearest commercial room.  
“No problem. What's his name?”  
“Undertaker.”  
“Under...oh! I heard of him! He's the one with the long, silver hair, isn't he?”  
“Yes.”  
“Wow...he's a handsome one.”  
“Sh!!”  
“What?”  
“Someone could hear you!”  
“And?”  
“When Dr. Turner knows that you think of another man as handsome...”  
The boy laughed loudly.  
“That's great! You see, I don't really care if anyone knows it.”  
“Oh...okay. But...yes, he is handsome”, Grell whispered back and blushed what caused the other one to grin widely.  
“You liiike hiiim.”  
“No! ...okay, I do. A lot.”  
“That's cute.”  
They sat down at one of the tables and Ronald ruffled his hair lazily, the smile in his face not disappearing.  
“You are proud of your hair, aren't you?”  
“Of course I am, it was quite difficult to convince the big boss that I /need/ hair colour. What about you?”  
“Oh, it's not dyed.”  
From one second to another, the boy's face fell.  
“Oh...must be great to look special.”  
“Did I say something wrong?”  
“No...no. Maybe I should go now.”  
“Ronald?”  
Suddenly he remembered what Will had said: He was bipolar.  
“I think Will likes you too.”  
“You...do?”  
“Yes. He talked about you quite a lot.”  
“Really? You don't want to fool me?”  
“No, I mean it.”  
Suddenly the grin returned and Ronald hugged a surprised Grell.  
“That's great! I have to go now, but maybe we meet again one day. Bye!”  
He walked away, whistling a happy sound and Grell shook his head. What a crazy guy! But real cute too, he could understand why Will liked him.

He went back to his room and opened the door slowly, finding an Undertaker who rubbed his eyes in that moment.  
“Grell-dear?”  
Fireworks in his tummy at the nickname. He laid down on the bed, leaning his head against the taller man's shoulder. That was better.  
“Yes?”  
“Where were you?”  
“Dr. Spears told me about one of his patients and I wanted to meet him.”  
“Mh...sorry that I fell asleep. I was too tired and the massage was too relaxing.”  
“It looked rather cute.”  
“Thank you...I guess...do you want one too?”  
“You mean at my back? Well, I mean...it's quite tense, but...”  
“Just a question, you don't need to say yes.”  
Grell bit his lips. He knew he would regret it if he said no again, like with the kiss. Besides this was much less intimate, Undertaker would just see his back and maybe chest...that were full of scars and therefore rather ugly. Still, if Undertaker didn't mind the scars on his arms, he wouldn't complain about more white lines too.  
“No...it's okay.”  
He grabbed the rim of his shirt, but then hesitated. He was so slim that you could easily count his ribs and he didn't have any curves. Before he could change his mind, he quickly pulled the shirt over his head, blushing when Undertaker stared at his bare upper body.  
“You are beautiful...”  
“I...? Um...thank you.”  
He laid down on his tummy and took his hair off his back. Undertaker smiles a little and gently, but sad as well, and ran a finger over the criss-cross of pale scars.  
“Ugly, I know.”  
“I don't think so. They look rather special and unique. Although I don't like the thought at how you got them...it must have hurt a lot.”  
“Not more than anything else too.”  
“What are these?”  
“Whip marks, mostly, caused by a belt.”  
Undertaker leaned forward and gently kissed the biggest one, what caused Grell to gasp and get goosebumps, then he put his hands to Grell's shoulders and massaged the tense muscles. He made his way down to the lower back and then up again, not saying a word in the process. The redhead was caught in some kind of bliss, the unfamiliar, gentle touch on his damaged flesh was definitely one of the best things he had ever experienced, especially when it was his favourite ex-mortician who did this to him. He buried his head deeper in his pillow, being careful to not let out any inappropriate sounds, though, unless another person in the room. 

After about half an hour, Undertaker's motions got slower until he was only stroking Grell's back in a pleasant way. Then he leaned down again and kissed the small back like he did the first time.  
“Thank you, that was really nice.”  
“I'm just paying you back, dear. Your back is so wonderful small, you know. When I lay both of my hands on it, it's nearly covered.”  
“Maybe it's your hands that are so massive?”  
Undertaker chuckled and Grell used the moment when he was a little distracted to turn around and put on his shirt again, glad to cover himself up again. The white haired man stopped laughing, his expression getting serious.  
“You don't need to be shamed, Grell.”  
“But I...I am. The scars, the ribs that are all visible...you are so perfect, while I'm just-”  
“While you are perfect as well. I mean it when I say I think you're beautiful, no matter what you think about yourself. And yes, with scars and very thin.”  
The redhead looked up and him and without another word hugged him tightly.   
“You are the best that ever happened to me.”  
“Glad to hear that.”


	15. Day 37

Day 37  
One week later, Grell felt his heart beating faster again when he Undertaker excused himself after dinner and returned with a key, winking at Grell.  
“We'll dance again?”  
“Exactly. If you want, that is.”  
“Of course I do!”  
“Are you sure? You could play with dear Mr. Garland too.”  
He winked again and the redhead rolled his eyes. Yesterday he had met the creepy man again, this time in the dining room. He had been happy like a little child to see his dolly again and certainly wouldn't have given up to try and grab Grell to make him come with himself and play if Undertaker hadn't stopped him. Even if the nurse and Dr. Spears said he was harmless, he could be really scary...  
“Thank you, but dancing with you seems better to me. I could ask Will, though, I bet he would love to spend the day with me.”  
Undertaker grit his eyes playfully.  
“Don't you make me jealous again, dear.”  
“Sorry.”  
“But you were making a joke. That's really good.”  
“It is?”  
“Definitely.”  
He took Grell's arm and pulled him out, down the hallways again, until he reached the room. The redhead felt his skin starting to prickle at the dusty smell.  
“Can I choose a song this time? I don't know that many, just some from the radio. My father liked to listen to it in the evening. They always read a crime thriller then.”  
“He could have just recorded one of his days...but yes, of course you can.”  
Grell knelt down in front of the gramophone and looked through the songs. They were mostly from the time before he had been born, but he knew at least some of the songs. One of them was even one he had always liked when it was played on the radio, it was slow and romantic. He frowned shortly and then did the same Undertaker did last time. He closed his eyes shortly before turning around, thinking of the old times that had been mostly bad, but this song was a good memory. He remembered how he had cooked for his father who was at work and listened to it, carefree for a few minutes. Until his father came home...  
He turned around, facing a smiling Undertaker.  
“That's not Slow Waltz, dear. That's a rumba.”  
“Does that matter?”  
“Well, it does. It's a different dance, but we can dance that too, you just have to relate on me again, then.”  
“I don't mind.”  
He placed his feet over Undie's again, who grinned inwardly, knowing that rumba was very close and romantic. What did they call it? Making love on the parquet...  
Holding Grell close again he made different steps then last time and used his hips as well.  
“You need to be more relaxed for this dance, it's not as stiff as Waltz. Move your hips like I do, yeah that's right.”  
The redhead hid his face at his dancing partner's chest, blushing. Why did he have to choose this song...it felt great how close they were again and this dance was much more romantic, but he was sure Undertaker could feel his fast heart beat. He could have drawn away a little, but instead he simply hugged his Undie closer, melting into his arms.

At first Grell didn't even notice that their faces slowly moved closer, he was simply too lost in the dreamlike moment. But even now that he did, he wouldn't move back again. Not this time. Instead he slowly slid his arms around the taller mans neck and the last thing he could see before his eyes fluttered shut, was the soft sparkle in Undertakers. He shuddered lightly when he felt the hot breath of his opponent on his lips. Without even thinking of it the redhead opened his mouth a little, letting out a shaky breath. This action gave Undertaker the green light he needed. The music and everything else moved into the background when their lips finally touched. Grell had a firework in his tummy, this was the only way to describe the feelings inside of him. It was a soft kiss, sweet and gentle, but to Grell it meant the world. He tiptoed to better push his lips against Undertaker's, whose hand had wandered to his cheek by now, stroking it softly.  
When the ex-mortician ended the kiss, he looked at his little darling, a wide smile slowly forming.  
“That was...oh my God!”  
“Nice description.”  
He chuckled, pulling Grell back into his arms and kissing his cheek.  
“Can we go back to my room and...do this again?”  
“As many times as you want.”  
Grell's eyes sparkled and he took Undertaker's arm. He would have loved to take his hand instead, but in public...no. They went back to 'their' room after locking the door again, deciding that it would be sufficient to give the key back tomorrow. All the time the little redhead couldn't take his eyes off his Undie, he just /had/to watch this great, handsome man he was so in love with. It nearly hurt to look down and seem normal as they passed some people, but the more was his joy when they had finally reached their room.  
Grell looked at Undertaker again, this time more shyly.  
“Relax, dear.”   
He sat down and petted the place next to himself to make Grell sit down. When the redhead had done so, he slowly leaned in again and placed another soft kiss to his lips. Grell wrapped his arms around Undertaker's neck again, leaning his head against the taller man's shoulder, who gently started to stroke his back, lips near his ear.  
“I love you...”  
The redhead's eyes widened. He lifted his head to look at his darling, hope rising.  
“You...?”  
And for the first time in years, Grell smiled.  
“I...I love you too!”  
Undertaker still smiled, pulling the redhead in for another hug.  
“You smiled, dear.”  
“I did? I'm happy. More than ever before in my life.”  
“I'm glad to hear that. I don't want to ever see you so depressed again.”  
“That time wasn't that great, no...Undie? What are we now?”  
“That depends on what you want. Nothing, a couple, friends with benefits...”  
Grell blushed and slapped him lightly, the happy expression not leaving, though.


	16. Day 38

Day 38  
Dr. Spears looked rather surprised when Grell came in the next day, humming a slow melody (it was the song from yesterday), and sat down, looking like he had just gotten a very big chocolate cake. Well, or his first kiss and a love confession.  
“You look delighted today. Did something happen?”  
“We kissed! And he said he loved me!”  
The smile returned and Will nearly choked.  
“He...? Congratulations It seems like this makes you very happy, doesn't it?”  
“It did. We danced again, but this time another dance. I forgot the name, but it was very romantic. And then it happened. He bent down and...kissed me. Oh my God, it felt so wonderful! Like millions of butterflies in my tummy, I can't understand why I said no the first time...”  
“What happened after that?”  
“We went back to my room and kissed again. Then he said he loved me.”  
Grell's cheeks got slightly pink, but he was so happy right now that he didn't mind. Alone the memory of it...he would so spend the whole day in his Undie's arms, cuddling and whispering sweet things to each other.  
“And you?”  
“I said I loved him too.”  
“I can understand that you are really excited about this, Grell, but remember to keep it a secret, when you are a couple now.”  
“I...I think so. He didn't give me a real answer to this question, but...yeah. I would want it, he makes me so happy...but what about your sweet Ronnie?”  
“I wanted to tell him yesterday, but...he wasn't in his 'good phase', so I rather didn't.”  
“Probably...then you should do it today. He really likes you, you know...”  
“Why do you know?”  
“I waited in front of your office until he came out and we talked a bit. Don't worry, I didn't tell him too much. He is really cute, though.”  
“He is...”  
“I know you can do it, Will.”  
“I said you can call me by my first name when it's not business, but right now it is, so please call me Dr. Spears. Still I appreciate your belief in my abilities.”  
“I hope you don't talk to him like that...”  
Dr. Spears huffed, adjusting his glasses and taking up his notes.  
“I think it's time to reduce your drugs to a minimum. Maybe we can stop treating you with them when it doesn't get worse again. That may be good for you.”  
“Why that?”  
“Because they make you impotent.”  
Grell's eyes widened from both surprisement to hear something like that out of Will's mouth and embarrassment.  
“Dr. Spears!”  
“What? I'm merely stating facts. I'll hand the note with the new dose to one of the nurses, you can go now.”  
Now literally being a redhead, Grell came to the dining room and sat down across from Undertaker at their usual table. Right now he would have rather hid his face, but he just /had/ to look at the other man, who had as always cared for their food.  
“Did something happen? You look rather...red.”  
“Y-Yeah? Nothing happened...nothing. Will was just a little...direct.”  
“I see.”  
“Undie? Can I ask you something?”  
“That depends.”  
“How was your childhood? I know that you won't tell me anything about what you've done, but can I know at least that?”  
“Well...yeah...why not. But not here, okay? We could go to the garden after eating.”  
“I'd prefer my room. More...privacy.”  
Undertaker bit his lip to not grin and started to eat the watery thing in front of himself they called stew here.

Grell had found a new favourite seating position: In his love's lap, arms loosely wrapped around his neck. When he was sitting like that, they could be really close, but still see each other. And kiss. Therefore he immediately claimed Undertaker's lap when they had reached his room, looking at him with interested, awaiting eyes.  
“So...you wanted to know about my childhood. Well, I can say that it was not that great, but at least better than yours. I was raised in an orphanage, because my parents didn't want me or died or whatever, I don't know. It wasn't a warm and cozy house, but I had a roof over my head and got food, the sisters were mostly friendly too, just the other kids were rather mean...they bullied me because of my strange hair, but you learn to give a fu- to not care the older you get. The only thing that really bothered me was that I was always alone, although I was always surrounded by people. I had no one. So when I saw you sitting at the table without anyone, I knew how you must have felt, asked a guard for your name and sat down next to you.”  
“You were alone too.”  
“That's right. You could say it was a win-win-situation. I don't mind being alone anymore, I got used to it, but that doesn't mean that I don't like good company.”  
“Now you aren't alone anymore...”  
Undertaker smiled softly, stroking Grell's hair and kissing his temple.  
“No, now I'm not anymore.”  
“What happened after that?”  
“I went away when I was eighteen. Back then I wasn't as relaxed as I am today, though. The thought of the older, stronger ones who beat me, hid my things or...I hated them. I told you I wanted to be a mortician, so I could bring them to their grave. I think this option was better than becoming a serial killer. I worked at a carpenter for two years, so I earned money for my shop and learned how to work with wood so I could build coffins, and in the end finally had my own funeral home. In the time there I was alone again. As I said, I didn't mind, but it made me get crazy thoughts...I won't tell you more.”  
Grell got paler when he suddenly got a really disgusting idea.  
“Please tell me that you didn't do inappropriate things to the corpses”, he said, voice sounding hollow. But Undertaker started to laugh and shook his head. Thank God.  
“No! I'm not that kind of pervert! That would be...uh...no. I mean, I think corpses are pretty, but not like that.”  
“At least that...”  
“Grell? Can I ask you a private question too?”  
“Sure.”  
“Your father...he just beat you up. He never touched you, didn't he?”  
“Well, if he beat me, he had to...oh. You mean that. No, he didn't.”  
Undertaker nodded slowly, glad about this statement. He couldn't have stood the though of his little rose having to endure that as well.  
“What about you?”  
“Me? Neither. It still wasn't that nice, I got talked into it, but it was willingly.”  
Grell bit his lip. He wanted to know more about this, especially because he had never done anything like that, but he was ashamed to talk about something like that too and afraid of Undertaker's answer and of simply being refused again, so he kept silent. Instead he closed his eyes, thinking about everything he just heard before speaking again.  
“I'm sorry that your childhood wasn't that nice too.”  
“I can't change it. If I had been raised in a loving family, I maybe wouldn't have done what I did and therefore would have never met you. It all has it's good aspects.”  
“You are a crazy man...”  
“I'm in an asylum, I have to be.”  
“Do you think that...we will come out some day?”  
“Undertaker's expression got sad.   
“You will come out, dear. Maybe not in the next days, but the time will come. You're making such big steps forward...”  
“And you?”  
“If I ever get free again, this would be a wonder.”  
“But I don't want to be without you! Then I would go back to how I was before I met you, maybe even worse.”  
“Right now it's not important anyway, we can talk about this when it's time for you to leave. For now I have you with me and everything's good.”


	17. Day 43

Day 43  
It was the day. Grell didn't know it when he stood up, but it was the day. Another few days had passed and his relationship to Undertaker had become even closer, they always spent the whole day in Grell's room, talking and exchanging kisses that were slowly getting deeper.   
After breakfast he walked to Dr. Spears' office, heart hurting a little because he couldn't be with him during that time, but still being in a good mood. He gave Will a small smile, he was doing that more often now as well.  
“Hello, Dr. Spears!”  
“Good morning, Grell. How do you feel? No problems with the less drugs?”  
“No, but that's not important now. How's your cute Ronnie?”  
Will sighed.  
“I hope you remember the promise you gave me?”  
“Of course I did. What now?”  
“I...I told him that I quite liked him.”  
Grell's eyes widened, he started to hop up and down on the couch, eyes sparkling. Finally! This had been nearly as stressing as waiting for Undertaker to confess.  
“And??'”  
“He reacted equally to you now. Then he said he liked me too and...well...the phrase 'he fell around my neck' describes it best.”  
“Really? Oh my, he is such a cutie! Are you more than doctor and patient now?”  
Another sigh.  
“I don't know Grell, we have to wait how it develops. Me means Mr. Knox and myself, because even if you'd like that, you have nothing to do with it. If he-”  
In that moment, the telephone started to ring and Will cleared his throat before answering it. A frown appeared on his forehead, then he stood up quickly and was already heading to the door when he looked at Grell again.  
“I will be back in a few minutes, there's an emergency. One of the patients from Block D broke out, please wait here.”  
He hurried out of the room, leaving a wide-eyed Grell. Block D, that was where the really dangerous ones were kept, psychopaths of all kind. Serial killers, rapists, cannibals, all the people you would rather not meet in the dark. And one of them broke out.  
Suddenly he knew it. This was the chance. This was what he had waited for all the time. He closed the door and walked around Will's desk to the filing cabinet, then opened the drawer with the sign A-F. His heart beat fastened when he found the files with C and took the first one to look at it. Undertaker would be angry, he knew that. This was a big break of his privacy. But still...he felt like he had the right to read it, he was his Undie's love, after all. That's why he opened the file and looked at it.

Patient number: 01872  
Full name: Adrian Craven  
Gender: Male  
Date of birth: 30.8.1923  
Current age: 28  
Date of admission: 17.6.1951  
Diagnose: Not clear yet  
Therapy: Electric shock therapy  
Special information: The patient was arrested by the police because he made dolls out of the corpses of young girls he got delivered to his funeral home. In interviews with policemen he said he “wanted to keep the girls' souls on earth and protect them." He refused to come with the policemen and got injured. After six months in prison he was sentenced to Mount Massive Asylum.

Grell let his hands sink when he had read the paper. Made dolls out of corpses. Oh God.  
He heard steps and quickly put the file back into the cabinet, then sat down on the couch again, just at the right time before Dr. Spears entered the room.  
“I'm sorry for the interruption. The patient was captured and locked in again, so there's no need to worry.”  
“I...I need to go now”, the redhead said before jumping up and running out of the room. He didn't know where he was going until he found himself in front of big glass wings, the entrance to the garden. At least he would have his peace there. He sat down under a tree, burying his face in his hands to escape everything around himself.  
Undertaker had turned dead girls into dolls. He didn't know how, but he knew that this was insane. Really insane. The ex-mortician had said he had done something horrible, but Grell had always hoped for something else, something less...less like that. He felt sickness rising up in his guts at the thought of his love doing something like that and hugged his legs.  
Now he knew why Undertaker hadn't wanted to tell him, he would probably never think of him the same again. His sweet, gentle Undie was a psycho of the first rate. Who would have such a sick idea?!

Steps could be heard after a while and the ex-mortician himself knelt down in front of the little red bunch.  
“Dear? Is everything alright?”  
“Go away!”  
“Excuse me?”  
“I said go away and don't you dare touch me!”  
“Why?”  
“Because you took little girls' bodies and made dolls out of them, you sick bastard!”  
Undertaker's face fell. He nodded slowly, biting his lip.  
“So you found it out...”  
“I did. How could you?!”  
“I...I don't know...back then I thought I was doing the right thing, but now...now I ask that myself too.”  
“How could that ever be the right thing?!”  
“As I said, I had too much time to think and got crazy ideas...I thought that whatever awaited them was bad and I could kind of ban their souls and keep them locked in their bodies...”  
“That's disgusting.”  
He finally looked up, eyes full of disappointment and a little hate too. Undertaker bit his lip again, he always knew that this day would come, but he had hoped this would happen rather later then sooner.  
“I know. You can't imagine how much I regret what I did, now I know it was wrong, but...I guess that doesn't help.”  
“It does not! How did you do it?”  
“Do you really want to know?”  
“Yes, damn it! I'm sick of all the secrets! I want to know everything now, so there won't be any bad surprises anymore.”  
“O-Okay. So...when I got the corpses, I opened their bodies and removed the inner organs and eyes, because they decay first. I filled them with sawdust from my coffin-making and sewed them up again. Then I dressed them in pretty clothes, gave them eyes from glass and did their hair. In the end I put small ropes to them, so you could control them like marionettes. I hanged them up at my attic. It was winter, so they wouldn't decay that easily. Yeah...that's it, I guess.”  
Grell shook his head, so, so shocked by what he just heard. He couldn't say anything for a while, having the need to let Undertaker's words sink in. When he spoke again, his voice was as emotionless as it always was back then.  
“Why did the police get you?”  
“I didn't really think about consequences, I was too fixated on my work. I said the corpses would have been stolen. They believe that one or two times, but then they get skeptical.”  
“How many?”  
“Dolls? Nine.”  
“Nine little girls.”  
“...yes...”  
Grell shook his head again and slowly stood up.  
“I need to think about this.”  
“That's...understandable. Take as much time as you want...”  
“I will.”  
He turned around and walked back to the house, having more pain in his guts at every step he took. His Undie, the man he loved and adored, was a monster. He had always known that, but knowing what he had done...  
After locking the door, he sank down in his bed, pulling the comforter over his head.  
He had no idea what he was supposed to do now. Undertaker had done a terrible thing, but he said he regretted it. Still, Grell couldn't just accept that and go back to normal life.

The redhead stayed where he was all day, a cold hand gripping his He couldn't describe what he was exactly feeling. He was disappointed in Undertaker, disappointed that his love, his saviour wasn't as he had imagined him, but at the same time very alone and helpless. He could have gone back to Undertaker, but he couldn't bring himself to do that, he was far too angry, sad and guilty, because he couldn't leave things be. The combination of these things caused him to feel even worse than one month ago. His every move hurt, so he simply lied there under the comforter and hoped it would get better. Maybe he would starve eventually, then he would never have to deal with things like that again.   
The nurse with his dinner knocked and tried to make him open the door, but he simply ignored her until she walked away grumpily.   
Two voices were fighting in his head. One of them said that Undertaker had made a mistake, but he regretted it and therefore Grell should go back to him as soon as possible, he would probably feel better then too. The other voice said that a man who misused corpses is insane and therefore he should never again seek contact to said man.


	18. Day 44

Day 44  
He couldn't sleep all night due to this fight, so in the morning he did not only feel like his insides were turning outside, but tired and done as well. He stood up on shaky legs and stumbled to the bedroom to splash water into his face. He was still feeling sick, but at least had made a decision. Undertaker had done the things before they even knew each other and he regretted it. Grell couldn't blame him for his past, even if it was horrible and sick. Besides...it wasn't his own fault that he was depressed and it wasn't Undertaker's fault that he had gotten crazy in the years where he had been alone, they were both here. Furthermore his tummy was nearly killing him. If he had made his pain disappear one time, he could do it a second one as well.

Grell looked into the mirror over the sink. His face was as white as the wall behind him, only the rings under his eyes were dark. Uh...  
Without waiting for his breakfast, he slowly walked to Undertaker's room, a lump beginning to form in his throat. Great, the situation got worse and worse...  
After staring at the white door for some time, he finally knocked and waited, one part of his brain (the one with the voice that said he should better go back and never leave his room again) hoping that maybe the silverette wasn't there. This hope was destroyed when the door was opened. Undertaker looked similar to Grell with an even whiter face than usual, signs of lack of sleep and red eyes. He stared at Grell for a second, then took a step back to offer him to come in. When Grell had closed the door behind himself and leaned against the wall, he spoke, his voice hoarse.  
“Grell? What are you doing here?”  
“I wanted to talk to you.”  
“If you mean my things that are still in your room, I'll come and get them later”  
“Why that?”  
“You don't want to...? I thought you came to tell me that you don't want any contact to a guy like me anymore...I could have understood it.”  
“No...no. What you did is...the thought of it still makes me sick, but I won't break off. I thought about it yesterday and the whole night and...I think it's not really your fault, you were just as crazy as I was with my view of myself, you can't do anything against it and it's not your fault.”  
“Does that mean you...forgive me?”  
“There's nothing I could forgive you, you didn't do anything to me, after all. It was before we even met, I can't blame you for the things you've done in your past. I will need some time to live with this thought, but...I guess I will manage that. I was just really shocked yesterday, because I didn't await something like that.”  
Undertaker looked at him, not being able to fully get this now, but being very thankful.  
“You...you don't want to leave me now...you are far too good for me.”  
“Don't say that, I'm doing that not only for you. When I was alone, I felt worse than ever before in my life, even lonelier and more lost than when my father died. If I like it or not, I need you, without you I feel...worse than before.”  
“Thank you, Grell. I know what I did was...”  
“Don't say that. It's hard enough to accept that for myself and to believe it wasn't your fault and that it will never happen again, I don't want to have to convince you too.”  
“Yeah...yeah, okay. I just want you to know how sorry I am.”  
“Promise me to never do something like that again.”  
“I promise.”  
“Good.”  
They kept silent for a while, Grell absently rubbing the scars on his arms, Undertaker watching him slightly desperate. Usually he would have taken his arm and placed light kisses to it, but right now he felt like this would be contra productive.  
“So...you were in prison for half a year before you became here?”  
“I was. Then they thought I should rather come to a place like this one, because I hadn't really committed a crime.”  
“How was it there?”  
“Horrible. It was nothing but a dark cell with a wood plank and a hole among many others. I sat in there all day and...waited. I wasn't allowed to go outside or have contact to other people, it was just being in there and getting food three times a day. When a guard came and said I would get out to an asylum, I was so glad...”  
“Now you're getting tortured.”  
“But there's some freedom in here. Light. Peace. You. I would never want to get back, spending the rest of my life here is better than just another six months in that prison.”  
“Can you tell me now where you got the scars?”  
“I fought the policemen who came for me to arrest me, but it was one against five and they had knives...”  
“I'm sorry to hear that.”  
“I deserved it, didn't I? Grell, can I ask you a question too? How did you find out all of this?”  
“Well...to be honest I planned it for a long time now, I knew that Will had a filing cabinet with all the files, I just needed an opportunity to get to read yours. So when he got a call that one of the patients of block D had broken out and left yesterday, I took the chance. “  
“I should have told you...you had a right to know.”  
“That doesn't matter anymore. Now I know it and I can't change it, I have to accept it...”

“Grell, Grell, Grell”, the voice whispered.  
“Grell, I will find you. You can't escape me, give up. Eventually I will come for you end then it all ends. The last curtain is about to fall...”  
He was running. Faster than ever before in his life, his lungs were protesting and his muscles felt like they were burning. Hot, red flames licking on them. He ran even faster, trying to get away from the low whisper, but it was always close to his ear. He couldn't see anything in the darkness that surrounded him, but smell a heavy, sweet fetor that hugged his nose and crawled into his mouth so he could taste it. He knew what it was. The smell of decay.  
Finally a light appeared, far away from him, but he continued running despite his muscles that begged him to stop, desperately wanting to get near it. The voice got lower the nearer he came to the light, as if it would chase away all evil. The light was close now and he could see that it was not a light to begin with. It was a person with long, white hair that was glowing in the darkness. The redhead stopped for a second, then a smile appeared on his face and he ran to the person. He had come. His saviour. His preserver. His angel.  
“Undie”, he whispered and wrapped his arms around the person that started to stroke his back.  
“No need to be afraid now, dear. I'm here. I will always protect you. I'm there for you.”  
Grell sighed softly and hugged him closer, closing his eyes. Yes, he was safe now, no one could harm him when he was with his Undie.  
A horrible pain in his tummy made him open his eyes again. He looked down, a low sound escaping his lips. There was a dagger in his abdomen, surrounded by a spot of blood that was getting bigger and bigger. Before he could think about this, he fell to his knees, instinctively hugging his tummy. He turned his head, blinking a few times as his vision blurred. Undertaker was standing over him, a smile gracing his glorious lips.  
“I told you I would get you. Now...you are going to make a pretty doll, Grell. You don't need to be afraid, I'll be with you all the time...we will never be separated again...”

He awoke, screaming like the dagger was still in his guts. Undertaker next to him (No cuddling tonight) sat up, his eyes wide.  
“Grell?! What's wrong? Oh shit...” He wanted to pull the redhead close to comfort him, but got pushed away harshly.  
“NO! Don't touch me!”  
“Hey...no need to be afraid now, dear. I'm here.”  
“SHUT UP!”  
He shook his head hardly, sliding as far away from the other man as possible until the wall stopped him. Undertaker, he had killed him to make a doll out of his body, he was evil, he was...  
He hugged his knee and leaned his forehead against it while the white haired man watched him, totally helpless. Eventually he stood up and turned the light on, then knelt down in front of Grell's bed, voice soft when he spoke.  
“Calm down, dear, everything is fine. It was just a dream, nobody wants to harm you. This is reality and you are safe.”  
“You want to harm me! You killed me!”  
Undertaker swallowed. This was...unexpected. But he should have known that something like that would happen, that this would not stay without consequences. He was scaring his little darling with his past...he had never wanted something like that to happen.  
“Grell, it was just a dream, nothing else. I...I didn't kill you and I will certainly never do that. You are in our room here in Mount Massive Asylum and I love you, there's no reason to be afraid of anything.”  
The redhead slowly lifted his head, eyes still wide.  
“It was...a dream...”  
“Yes. Dreams have nothing to do with reality.”  
“But it...it was so real.”  
“I know, dear, I know.”  
He stood up and slowly sat down next to Grell again, then laid an arm around his small shoulders, careful to not make too hasty moves, though. He could feel muscles flexing under his arm, but then the redhead relaxed and he slid closer to pull him to his chest and stroke his hair. Grell winced, a part of him waiting for the dagger, but nothing like that happened, so he breathed out slowly. Undie was right, it had been a dream and there was no connection to reality. Well, apart from the doll-making. But his love hadn't killed anyone for that and he had changed since then.  
“See? That's better. I'm really sorry, I should have known that something like that would happen, that's why I tried to keep my past a secret. Well, and because I knew you would think different of me then.”  
Grell sniffed and ran a hand over his face.  
“I know...it's just...this dream was so realistic.”  
“Do you want to tell me what happened in it?”  
“I was haunted by a voice that said it would get me and that I could never escape. I ran through the darkness, but suddenly there was a light. It...it was you. You hugged me and said it would be alright, but then you...then you stabbed me and said I would make a pretty doll, we would always be together now...”  
“Well...I do want to always be together with you, but I prefer you how you are right now. Alive. Warm. Soft. Cute Loveable.”  
“Yeah, it...it was stupid to react like this.”  
“It was understandable. Now come here, let me show you that I don't want to harm you.”  
Grell nodded slowly, laying down with Undertaker and burying his face in his neck, as the taller one was lying on he side, so he could pull his love close to himself.  
“That's better, isn't it?”  
“Yes...thank you.”  
The white haired man turned his head to kiss the soft head next to himself.


	19. Day 45

Day 45  
Grell frowned when he came to lunch and found their table empty. Were they keeping his love longer again?  
He sat down and waited for him after getting their food and taking the little pills that were handed to him.  
Being really worried, he was about to stand up and find Undertaker's 'therapy room' when someone stroked his back and the white-haired man himself sat down next to him.  
“Sorry that it took so long. I needed to get this first.”  
He placed s small, wrapped package with a rope around it next to Grell.  
“For me? I said you shouldn't buy so much for me! Now I feel guilty because I can't buy you anything...”  
“Don't be, it's nothing big.”  
“Can I open it?”  
“Of course you can, but after lunch would be better, you'll see why.”  
“Oh...then thank you, I'm curious.”  
He gave Undertaker a small smile and started to eat. He had started to eat all of his meal to gain some weight. He didn't have a scale, but he found his his hip bones seemed less sharp under his skin.  
They walked to the garden after they had eaten up, Grell firmly grabbing his small package. He sat down under the usual tree and carefully opened the package, eyes widening when he found a bar of sweet, good chocolate. Undertaker rubbed his neck.  
“I wish I could give you more...unfortunately there is only the small shop and-”  
Before he could say more, Grell had hugged and kissed him, then looked around to make sure that they were not being watched and kissed him again, this time longer.  
“Thank you! It's been years since I last ate chocolate. Wow, that's great!”  
He opened the plastic wrapping, broke some chocolate off and laid it onto his tongue, moaning at the intense, rich taste. He let the chocolate melt on his tongue and was just about to swallow it when Undertaker looked around and laid his lips onto his own ones, pushing his tongue into Grell's mouth. The redhead gasped surprised but let it happen, shivers running down his spine when the other one played with his tongue. His heart beat faster, but not in a negative way. Undertaker eventually leaned back and licked over his own lips a last time.  
“The chocolate tastes good.”  
“O-Oh my...”  
“Liked that?”  
“Yes...”  
“Then let's go back to your room and eat more chocolate.”  
Grell nodded eagerly, he definitely wanted more of this, and wrapped the rest of the chocolate again. The last time when he had eaten chocolate was...when he still went to school. It had been one of the student's birthday and the boy had given it to all of the others even Grell, although he didn't have any friends. It had tasted great nonetheless, but now, when it was a present from his love and he got kissed in a new, breathtaking way, it tasted even better.  
A small smile on his face, he ate more of the chocolate as soon as the door was closed and received a grin and another kiss, this one even longer and daring than the first one. Grell breathed harder, running a hand over his face and looked at his love.  
“Can I...do that...too?”  
“You just need to react to it, dear. Do the same as I do, don't be worried.”  
He sat down and pulled the small redhead down until he was straddling his lap. Grell blushed a little, but then slid closer and kissed the ex-mortician deeply, connecting their tongues and sucking on his bottom lip, just because he felt like this was the right thing to do. It seemed like it was, since he earned a low moan. When he leaned back again, Undertaker's eyes were darker than before.  
“You are a natural talent...”  
“I am? I thought I had to do this.”  
“It was fu-very pleasant. I should give you chocolate more often. Or maybe whipped cream next time?”  
Grell blinked confused, not getting the pun, and Undertaker just shook his head, biting his lip to not laugh.  
“Nothing, dear.”  
“Undie?”  
“Yes?”  
“When we just knew each other, I told you I didn't need nor want any friends and you answered that you didn't want to be my friend anyway. Why did you lie to me?”  
“Oh, I didn't lie at all, being your friend never was my intention.”  
“But...”, Grell muttered with a frown. Then his eyes widened and he reached for his pillow to slap the man next to himself.  
“You mean thing! You wanted more all the time, didn't you?”  
Undertaker chuckled, then grabbed him and kissed him again.  
“What can I say? You are a beautiful lady.”


	20. Day 50

Day 50  
“This dance is really different from the others. It's faster and...well...very erotic. It's called Tango.”, Undertaker said five days later and started the gramophone, then took Grell's hand..  
“Your hand is not on my shoulder, but in a right angle to my shoulder blade. Yes, like that.”  
He lifted the redhead onto his own feet, then showed him the steps, their bodies being like glued together.   
“It's...close.”  
“I said it's erotic. We can dance something else, though, if you don't like that.”  
“No...no, it's okay.”  
In fact he didn't mind being that close to his love, feeling his strong chest against his own one. He turned his head to the left side like Undertaker had ordered him, although he would have rather stared at him.  
The ex-mortician stopped and let Grell down.  
“Very good. Now we'll try it together. Back, back, dandling, forth, left, close . No hip movement here. Did I ever tell you that you have gorgeous legs?”  
“Um...no?”  
You have...they are so perfectly long and slender.”  
He lifted one of Grell's legs under the knee, holding it close to his body and stroking the sides of his thighs. The redhead gasped, but leaned closer to him, what caused a cocky grin on Undertaker's face.  
“That's one of the movements too, by the way. Now let's try it again. Usually you would wear high heels. If we ever come out of here, that will be the first thing I'll by you: Pretty shoes to underline your wonderful legs.”  
The smaller one looked down, cheeks getting red again. Oh how he loved all the compliments his Undie made him, he really gave his best to make up for the trouble he had caused Grell.  
They started to dance together, the redhead sighting softly and fully relying on Undertaker to guide him. Grell let his hand wander down a little so it was rested on Undertaker's lower back, stroking it lightly. The ex-mortician grinned and from one second to another had wrapped Grell's legs around his hips and pushed him into the wall, kissing first his lips, then neck, throat, everything he could reach. The smaller one's eyes widened. He was torn between pleasure and shame, but after a few seconds pushed his love's head away.  
“U-Undie...”  
Undertaker looked at him, eyes dark again, then let him down.  
“It seems like I got carried away a little.”  
“Y-Yes. Thought so too. I mean...I-I liked it, but not too much at once, please...”  
“Okay, sorry...tell me when you're ready for more, will you?”  
“Sure. For now, I like kisses.”  
“Then that's what you'll get.”  
He bent down again, this time kissing Grell a lot more gently.


	21. Day 51

Day 51  
Grell was just about to stand up after lunch, when he saw a young man sitting at a table not far away from his own one, arms wrapped around his upper body and not touching his food. The redhead leaned closer to Undertaker to whisper into his ear.  
“Who is this man? Do you know him?”  
“No, why should I? I guess he's new. What's with him?”  
“It's just...he reminds me of myself, how he sits there all alone.”  
“Do you want to talk to him? Then I'll wait for you at the entrance.”  
“Thank you.”  
He gave his love a short, loving glance and walked to the man. He was nearly as small and thin as he was himself, with soft looking brown hair and frameless glasses.  
“Hello, I'm Grell”, the redhead sat and slowly sat down next to the young man, who lifted his head a little, but then stared at the ground again.  
“What's your name?”, Grell tried it again.  
“Alan. Now please let me alone.”  
“Alan? That's a pretty name. You look rather lonely.”  
“That's what I want.”  
“I thought so too. You know, I always sat here like you and just waited until I could go to my room and cut again.” He looked at Alan's arms that were full of scars and new wounds. Now the man lifted his head to look at Grell.  
“Not anymore?”  
“No. Some day another patient started to talk to me. At first I didn't want him to do that, but after a while I realised that I felt better and better.”  
“That's fine for you. Now please leave.”  
Grell sighed. But what did he expect? He hadn't been different at the beginning, but Undertaker hadn't given up and continued to talk to him. Maybe this was his chance to give something back? Lick what you've sown is what you reap, only the other way round, first sowing, then seeding. He smiled at Alan and walked to Undertaker, who was still waiting for him, deciding to speak some words with the little creature again tomorrow.  
“And?”, the white haired man asked with risen eyebrows.  
“His name is Alan, but he doesn't want to talk to me.”   
“Seems familiar.”  
“Yeah...why didn't you give up on me when I turned you down the first time? You could have tried it with someone else, there are enough psychos here.”  
“But 'someone else' isn't the prettiest little thing I have ever seen with flowing red hair and green cat eyes, long, slender legs and with such a help seeking stare that you can't simply turn around and say 'Ah, well, I'll take another one then'.”  
“Not so loud! You're making me blush, darling.”  
“Maybe that was my intention.”  
Grell rolled his eyes, but blew him a kiss after making sure that they were alone in the hallway. Oh yes, he loved this crazy man.

“Did you plan anything for today?”, he asked when they had reached his room.  
“To be honest, yes. I wanted to workout, if you don't mind, before my muscles get too weak. Didn't do it since I came here...”  
“Workout? I don't mind at all! Can I watch you?”  
“Of course you can, if it doesn't bother you that I will be quite sweaty. At least I can shower here without problems. It wasn't that cool in the jail.”  
“Why?”  
“Oh, the other prisoners get...quite in need after some time. I am very tall and strong, so I didn't need to worry, but still, the way they stare at you...”  
“Uh...sounds...fantastic.”  
“As I said, I never want to go back to that terrible place.”  
“Understandable.”  
He sat down on his bed, crossing his legs and watching Undertaker who removed his shirt and tied his hair back with a hair tie from Grell's nightstand, then got to his hands and started push ups without hesitation. The redhead's eyes widened at how easy it looked, as if this wasn't a problem at all for his love. It probably wasn't.  
“How many do you make?”  
“Before I came here, it was something around eighty to ninety, I don't know how fit I still am. I hope to make at least seventy and after some training finally reach one hundred.”  
Grell continued to watch him in awe, how his muscles flexed and relaxed and after sit ups and some other things, first sweat drops ran down his temples and chest. The redhead's mouth watered. This man was so...

Finally Undertaker let himself fall to the ground, breathing hard and with red cheeks. He smiled up at Grell, who still stared at him as if he wanted to eat him.  
“Like the sight?”  
“Uh w-what? N-No, I was just...um...this looks pretty rough.”  
He hated the fact that he was blushing madly, although his love sometimes stared at him that way too. Rather every time he was shirtless.  
“Sure, dear. I'll take my shower now, do you want to come with me?”  
Grell's eyes widened and Undertaker started to chuckle.  
“Just a joke. I'll be back in a few minutes.”  
He took his towels and left the room, the little redhead letting himself fall back, hands over his eyes. In moments like that he never knew what to do, on one hand he wanted to snog his Undie's face of, and pull him to the bed, but on the other hand he definitely didn't feel ready for something like that yet. Still, he wanted him  
“Why can't my stupid brain just decide only one time...”, he muttered after some minutes of thinking about his feelings.  
“Well, I don't know.”  
Grell abruptly sat up, getting a nice view of Undertaker in boxers.  
“I was just talking to myself.”  
“Yeah, I know.”  
He sat down and started to ruffle his hair with a towel to get it dry. Grell breathed in deeply.  
“You smell good.”  
“I come right out of the shower, so I better do.”  
“No, I mean in general. I love your smell.”  
Leaning forward, he brushed his nose against Undertaker's neck, then kissed the place shortly and leaned back to not motivate his love to 'get carried away' again. At least not too much. The ex-mortician pecked him a few times before putting on a pair of loose pants.  
“I hate the clothes here. They make you feel even more insane than you actually are. I want my old clothes back...”  
“What did you wear?”  
“Black. Lots of black. Usually skinny pants, high heeled over-knee boots with buckles, a button-down and around customers a black robe. And a ring with an emerald. The sisters at the orphanage said they found it in the basket I was lying in.”  
“Sounds...dark. But an Undie-baby? You must have looked really cute.”  
“Not cute enough for anyone to take me in, huh...”  
“I would have adopted you. I would love to have a little Undie...”  
He was well aware of the double-sense in his words, what caused Undertaker to take his hand and stroke it softly.  
“I know, dear, I know...”  
The redhead sighed, sliding into his love's lap.  
“Why can't I be a woman?”  
Undertaker didn't know what to say to this, he just stroked Grell's back, holding him close. The redhead sighed, then leaned back and laid a hand to the ex-mortician's face.  
“You are the best thing that ever happened to me, you know that? I can be so happy that you are with me, before I knew you, my life was just...”  
“Same here, you are my light. My small, red flame.”  
“But what if Will tells me that I can go home, that I'm healed? He wants to stop the medical therapy, if my state still improves then, he will say I can leave...what then?”  
“Then you leave.”  
“But I don't want to be without you, you are everything I have! I don't even have a place to live!”  
“I don't want that either, but I want you out of this place, so if there's any chance for you to get out, then I want you to take it.”  
“You don't understand me, I can't live without you!”  
“You wouldn't have to completely live without me, you could visit me...”  
“And? Then I would walk home and sleep alone in my cold bed. I would be depressed again, I know it...I hate every second without you.”  
“That's really cute, dear, but I mean it. I want what's best for you and if you could live a normal life for the first time, then it would be the best. You could maybe fall in love with another man, who is free as well, and you could be happy together.”  
Grell wiped over his eyes were tears were beginning to form. He didn't want this, never would he live without this man again.  
“I don't want another man, I want you! I will not go, no matter what, even if I have to tell them that I'm gay, so they will keep me here.”  
Undertaker's eyes widened.  
“You would not do this.”  
“I would”, Grell fought back, ignoring the fact that they would be separated then, but drastic times call for drastic measures...  
“You are so...damn! Don't you understand that I love you and want the best for you? It's not like I want to get rid of you, fuck it!”  
The redhead sniffed, wiping over his face with his sleeve. He never wanted to fight about this, but why didn't Undertaker understand that he never could be happy like this?  
“Please don't yell at me...”  
“You...I'm sorry, I didn't want to get so loud. Still, Grell, you could visit me and everything, but in the best case you would forget me and start a new life with someone better than me.”  
“You got me out of my depression, who could be better than you?”  
“Someone who didn't make corpses out of little girls.”  
“But...I...”  
Undertaker sighed and run a hand through his still slightly damp hair. It wasn't easy for him too to tell Grell he should go then...  
“Let's not fight about this now, until now Dr. Spears didn't say anything about your discharge, we can still talk about this when it happens. For now we can still enjoy our time together.”  
The smaller one pulled his legs close to himself, placing his chin on top of his knees. Undertaker looked at him sadly, then pulled him close to himself.  
“I just love you, you stubborn thing.”  
“You are stubborn too.”  
“Maybe I am. I just want you to be happy.”  
Grell sighed and hugged him back, knowing that continuing to argue about it wouldn't help.


	22. Day 52

Day 52  
“Good morning, Alan”, Grell said with a smile, sitting down next to the poor thing.  
“You again?”  
“Yes. You should really eat something, being that thin isn't healthy, nobody knows better than me.”  
“I didn't ask for your opinion.”  
“No...you didn't. You see, I really want to help you and-”  
“I can't be helped anymore.”  
“Because you are depressed? Because you are cutting and want to die?”  
“Because I have cancer.”  
Grell opened his mouth and closed it again, not knowing what to say to this. He didn't need to, anyway, because the young man stood up and looked at him. He was only a bit taller than the redhead.  
“It doesn't matter anyway, I just wait for my death and that's it, then my shitty life will finally come to an end. It doesn't matter how I spend my last time and I prefer to spend it like this. Goodbye and please stop annoying me.”  
With these words he turned around and walked out of the room, leaving a desperate Grell. Undertaker, who had seen the scene, came over and laid an arm around Grell's shoulders in a 'friendship' way.  
“What happened?”  
“He...he has cancer...”  
“What? Oh...poor boy.”  
“He says he will die soon anyway, so it doesn't matter if his life is horrible and he sees no reason to change anything...”  
“I think especially because he will die soon there's a reason to change his life. He probably never experienced anything good in his life. Some people just have no luck at all...  
“Yeah...I hope I can change his mind within the next few days, I won't give up so soon, because...you didn't either.”  
“You are a good person, Grell.”  
“I'm just trying to give back what I got from you.”  
“Still, not everybody would do this. You can try it again tomorrow, for now let's go, I have something for you.”  
“Again? Come on, that's unfair, I can't give you anything back.”  
“As I said, I don't want anything from you, I'm happy when you are.”  
Grell sighed, but nodded and walked back to their room, taking Undertaker's hand as soon as he was sure they were not being watched, and stroking it softly.

“No, this is...!”, Grell said delighted when he unwrapped the present and found a little bottle of perfume, the one he had liked at the shop.  
“I thought you'd like it.”  
“I do! You are genius, thank you so much, it smells heavenly! That was exactly the perfume I wanted!”  
He pulled his love in for a wild kiss which was answered more than eagerly, then leaned back with a smile.  
“You are exactly the man one wants to introduce to their parents. Well, maybe not my parents, my father would have never allowed me to have a boyfriend-”  
Suddenly he stopped, realising that this was the first time that he spoke of his love as 'boyfriend'. He looked up at said man rather unsure, but got a loving smile in return, so obviously this word was okay and true. Grell was so glad about this that he grabbed Undertaker's collar and pulled the taller man onto himself to shower him with kisses without even thinking about it. The ex-mortician made a positively surprised sound, kissing him back eagerly. First the redhead wanted to shove him back, but then let it be, deciding that the feeling of a massive body on top on his own was bigger than his uncomfortableness with the situation, so he pushed his shame down and simply enjoyed the situation. After a while he got brave enough to let his hands wander down, resting them on Undertaker's lower back, only the finger tips on his bum. When the taller man buried his hands in Grell's hair as a reaction to that, he shoved his hands down a little more and earned a low moan. A second later, Undertaker had sat up, hair and clothes looking looking disheveled and breathing hardly.  
“Careful, dear...if you push me too much, I might not be able to control myself anymore.”  
“That...that wasn't planned...I mean...it was, but...I didn't think about it”, Grell stuttered back at him, cheeks being red and heart beating so fast that he was wondering why Dr. Turner wasn't here already to come and get him to the electric chair.  
“You are rambling, dear.”  
“I...I know. I didn't think about my actions and immediately wanted to push you away again, but the feeling was just to good...”  
The white haired man laughed huskily, running a hand through Grell's soft, red locks.  
“You are so...”  
“Stupid?”  
“Hot.”  
“Why am I hot?”  
“Just the way you lie here and look at me out of breath, then that you slowly get braver...you simply are hot.”  
Grell smiled shyly, not knowing what to answer to this. If Undertaker thought he was shot, then this was only good for him, he just needed to be more careful to not push his love too much. Although pushing him a little felt good...


	23. Day 56

Day 56  
Grell sat down next to Alan again, today not being in a good mood because it was test-day again. In the last days he had always talked to him, if only a few sentences and Alan started to stop fighting it and answer Grell. Today, though, he had something in mind he...well, learned from the master.  
“Hi, Alan.”  
“Hello.”  
“So...my friend, the one I told you of, has a whole therapy day today, which means I have nothing to do all day. Would you like to come to the garden with me?”  
“Do I have to?”  
“It can't be bad, can it?”  
“No...not really. Okay, I'll come with you.”  
He stood up, what caused a pleased smile on Grell's face, and together they walked to the garden, sitting down under the tree.  
“Your friend is the white haired man that always sits next to you, isn't he?”  
“Yes, his name is Undertaker. He is a really good guy.”  
“How nice for you.”  
“Don't be like that. We could do something in the next days, just the three of us. You'll like him, he's rather wise and always had the right words for me. I'm sorry if I'm not that good when it comes to talking...”  
“Grell, this is not a test you have to pass. I just want to be left in piece, you want to help me. That's really nice of you, but I don't want any help, it wouldn't be worth it anyway...”  
“That's what I said too, I don't want help. The problem is that you only know what you were missing when it's there suddenly. Besides it's not like it wouldn't be worth it. A few years living a happy life is better than not being happy at all.”  
“Weeks. Not years.”  
“S-So soon? Oh...then we have to hurry. You know what Undertaker said to me nearly two months ago? You can't be happy when you don't want it. I didn't want to be happy either, but then I though: Why not trying it? You should try it too. It can't get worse, after all.”  
“Well...that's right, but...still...you wouldn't even like me if you knew me better.”  
“I wouldn't? Let me tell you something about myself. I'm not a pampered child of rich parents, I grew up just with my father in rather poor surroundings. This wouldn't have been that bad, the real problem was that my dear father hated me more than anything else in the world. So he treated me like a worthless worm, he beat me up every day, he spit on me, he insulted me, he did everything to make me feel like dirt. And I believed him that he was right about all this, that I was nothing but dirt. I hated my body, every part of me, started cutting...when he died, I had a nervous collapse and ended up here.”  
Alan had listened closely all the time, now he took his glasses off and ran his fingers over the sides of the glass.  
“I'm sorry about that. My story is similar to yours, I had an abusive brother...”  
“That's not nice either.”  
“No...it isn't. Especially not when you aren't even safe during the nights.”  
Grell's eyes widened. A lot.  
“He...oh my God...I'm really sorry about that. That's...really not nice.”  
“No.”   
He pulled his legs up and hugged them close to his small body, like Grell had always done that earlier. The redhead bit his lips, then pulled Alan close to himself, hoping that this was not too straight forward.  
The thin an in his arms tensed, not really feeling comfortable with this, but let it happen. After some seconds he relaxed, though, what caused a big smile on Grell's face.  
“Isn't that bad, is it?”  
“No...it's not.”  
Leaning back, the redhead stroked his arm one last time.  
“At the beginning it felt strange to me too, I couldn't even believe that someone wanted to hug me at all, but now I rarely stop doing that...” He chuckled lightly and Alan looked at him with risen eyebrows.  
“Are you and Undertaker a couple?”  
“W-What? No...of course not! That would be...”  
“I'm not stupid, Grell, you talk of him as if he would be a god or so. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.”  
“Yeah...okay...we are.”  
“How come?”  
“Well...he always was so good to me, he cared for me, he was so eager to make me feel better and I...I just fell in love with him. He makes me so happy...”  
“That's...nice.”  
“I'll introduce him to you tomorrow, I'm sure you'll like him.”  
“Yeah, okay.”  
“What about you? Anyone you like?”  
“No. There was one at school, but...he never took notice of me.”  
“He? What was his name?”  
“Eric.”  
“How was he like?”  
“A little like your Undertaker, I'd say. Tall and strong. He had dyed his hair blonde and braided it to his head on the right side. He was a womaniser, always had a new, pretty girl at his side. Why should he have been interested in someone like me?”  
“Maybe he liked you too, you just didn't realise it? You are a pretty thing.”  
“I'm not. I'm ugly, boring, a loser and have cancer, no man as him would ever even look at me.”  
“Oh, Alan...”  
He started to stroke his arm again, looking at him compassionately.  
“Can I ask you a question?”  
“I can't stop you from it anyway.”  
“Since when do you have the cancer?”  
“Three years, I got it at the age of sixteen.”  
“Where is it?”  
“In my lungs.”  
“Oh...you can't imagine how sorry I am, I wish I could help you in any way...”  
“You can't. But thank you for saying that, that's better than nothing. And for...trying to make me feel better.”  
“You're welcome. Does it work?”  
“A little. It's a nice feeling that someone actually cares for you.”  
“It definitely is!”

They sat there for some more down, talking about this and that until Alan stood up.  
“I have to go now, need some time alone...and I assume Undertaker comes back from his therapy soon. So bye.”  
“Yeah, okay, until tomorrow.”  
Alan nodded shortly and walked back to the building, Grell following him. When he saw the clock in the entrance hall, he noticed how late it was already, Undertaker was probably back by now. That's why he hurried to his room, hoping that his love wasn't wondering where he was. When he opened the door, he found him in his room. Laying on the bed and sleeping peacefully. The redhead smiled at the cute sight before sitting down on the bed and stroking his love's hair. It was of such a rare beauty, soft and nearly white, glittering like polished silver. He carefully lifted a thick strand up and smelled at it. Shampoo, some perfume and the typical, pleasant Undertaker-scent. Well, not undertakers in general, but his one.  
The sleeping man scrunched his nose, then his eyes fluttered open and he looked at Grell, still being rather sleepy.  
“What a beautiful sight to wake up to...”, he muttered with a lazy smile, laying one hand to Grell's face.  
“I hope I didn't wake you?”  
“You did, but that's no problem, I wasn't really sleeping anyway. I was surprised when I came here and found the room empty, so I decided to sit down and wait for you. I just wanted to close my eyes for some minutes, but...yeah. Where were you?”  
“I was in the garden, with Alan.”  
“Oh, I understand.”  
“Please don't be jealous again.”  
Undertaker shook his head, chuckling as good as possible while lying on his back.  
“Don't worry, dear, I don't see him as possible concurrence. How is it going? Is he feeling better already?”  
“Well...he says a little, but in general he's at least opening up to me. He told me about his...his past, the cancer, the boy he liked...I rather think he still likes him, though.”  
“Sounds good. I mean that he is telling you that.”  
“Yeah...he really has no luck at all. He had a...very abusive brother and when he was sixteen, he was diagnosed with lung cancer. And the dumb boy he liked a lot didn't even look at him!”  
“Don't call him dumb, he probably didn't know of Alan's feelings for him. I bet you had admirer too at school, you just didn't realise it.”  
“Rather not, I was the psycho with no friends who always stayed alone.”  
“And? I liked you nonetheless, didn't I?”  
“But you are a psycho too”, Grell said back, his tone loving, though.  
“I am a psycho? I'll show you what a psycho I am!”  
He grabbed the little redhead around his small waist and pulled him on top of himself, kissing him not too gently, but not too rough either. Grell tried to fight him a little, but then gave in and enjoyed their kiss, hands wandering into the shining, silver hair. He scratched Undertaker's scalp lightly, earning a pleased sound and a tighter grip around his waist, until the ex-mortician turned them around, supporting his weight with his arms and looking into Grell's eyes deeply.   
“I love you, my beautiful red rose, no matter what happens.”  
The redhead smiled at him, then pulled him down again for more kisses.


	24. Day 57

Day 57  
Grell awoke to the feeling of soft kisses all over his face. He chuckled and opened his eyes, seeing his love grinning at him.  
“Good morning, dear.”  
“Morning. You just disturbed my beauty sleep, I hope you know that.”  
“Ah, I think you're still beautiful enough. So...you know what today is?”  
“Tuesday?”  
“That too, but we're a couple for twenty days now, nearly three weeks.”  
Grell's eyes widened in a surprised, but definitely pleased way. So long already? I can't believe that you bear with me so long already.”  
“Ah, it's rather a pleasure to have you around.”  
“You're cute, dear.”  
“Uh...”  
“What?”  
“Please don't call me cute. Handsome, sexy and hot is okay, but neither cute nor sweet, that's unmanly.”  
The redhead chuckled again and pushed him off so he could stand up.  
“Okay, okay. By the way, I told Alan I would introduce you to him today, is that okay?”  
“Sure.”  
“Good. I'll take a shower then.”  
“Grell?”  
“Yes?”  
“Can you braid your hair again after that and leave it for the day and night until it's dry, so you have curls again? They looked really good on you.”  
Grell blushed a little, but nodded, taking his towel and new underwear, shirt and pants before walking to the shower. It's a pity that they weren't allowed to wear what they wanted, well, only Undertaker was sometimes breaking the rules with his combat boots, and that he didn't have the clothes he wanted. Then he would have worn more beautiful underwear, not the plain one they had here, and dresses. Preferably red ones, like the one he once saw in the shop. But this was only wishful thinking, he just had the asylum clothes, the ones before that had been always old and worn out, besides his father had given them to him, so he wanted to never wear them again. 

He came back in fresh clothes, being half done braiding his hair already. Undertaker stood up when he entered the room, giving him a long, but gentle kiss.  
“I'll take a shower now too, I'll be right back.”  
Grell nodded and sighed when he was alone. It would be much easier if they could shower together, not together, but together, but he didn't want Undertaker to fully see him already and he didn't trust him to turn around all the time and not look at him, because...he was a man, after all.  
He threw his braid back so that it was laying on his back and brushed his teeth until the ex-mortician came back, accompanied by the smell of his shampoo and shower gel.  
“Mh...you smell manly.”  
“I better do, wouldn't be that great if I smelled like a woman, huh?”  
“I guess then I would have to break up.”  
He winked at Undertaker, not meaning this serious of course, and looked at the mirror, being more or less satisfied with his looks. If he just had make up...  
There was a knock on the door and the nurse came in with their breakfast. She had given up on commenting on the fact that they were sleeping together long ago, now she only placed their tablets on the nightstand, wished them a good day and left.  
“I hope she didn't tell anyone of this...”, Grell muttered, then sat down and ate a few bites.  
“I don't think so. If she would have done that, Dr. Turner had payed us a nice visit already, besides I don't think she's the kind of woman who would do that. She may seem a little rough, but in the end she wants the best for her patients, so she wouldn't risk them getting tortured because she didn't keep quiet.”  
“Okay...”  
He ate up, then looked at Undertaker who just did the same and wiped a crump from the corner of Grell's mouth.  
“I assume we'll meet up with Alan in the dining hall after therapy?”  
“Yeah, okay. Greet Willie-boy from me.”  
“I will. Tell Dr. Turner he's a...piece of shit.”  
Undertaker burst into laughter and pulled his love close to ruffle his hair.  
“Such nasty words from a fine lady! Still...it sounds cute when it comes out of your mouth, dear. I'd better not tell him that, though, he probably wouldn't be too pleased.”  
“Probably not.”  
He gave Undertaker a long, loving kiss, then squeezed his hand shortly and walked out and to Will's office, the ex-mortician taking the other direction.

“How are you?”, Dr. Spears asked, pushing his glasses up.  
“Better than ever before! Everything's fine with Undie and me and Alan opens up to me. He just can't fight the fact that company is the best medicine, he reminds me so much of myself.”  
“I can understand that. The fact that you are already eager to help others in the way you were helped proves your great state yet again. Just a few more days or so and we'll try it without any drugs to see what happens.”  
“Really? Already?”  
“Yes. I can still order that you get them again if your state gets worse again, but I don't think this will happen.”  
“And after that?”  
“Well...we of course have to wait to see the results, but after some time...I guess you could go home, at the beginning you should still come to our meetings, though, but technically you could live a normal life.”  
He looked at Grell as if he was doing him a big favour and nearly awaited for the redhead to jumped through the room to express his happiness, but Grell could just manage a weak smile and changed the topic.  
“How is it going with you and Ronnie?”  
“It's...it's great. Sometimes hard, because we can't have that much contact, but it's worth it.”  
“I can imagine. Did you two kiss already?”  
Will stared at him for a second, then looked down and adjusted his glasses again. Grell's eyes widened.  
“You...? Wow, that's...”  
“First of all it's none of your business.”  
“How was it?”  
He blushed madly at the question and he could have sworn he could see a hint of pink in Will's face as well.  
“Not your business either.”  
“Sorry. I was just curious. I think Undertaker wants it too, but...I don't think I'm ready for this yet.”  
“Don't do anything you don't want. If he really loves you, he'll wait until you are.” He couldn't believe he was really talking about that with Grell, one of his patients, even if he had to admit that he quite liked the little redhead.  
“No, no, he doesn't push me or anything. I rather want it for his sake, you know? So I can at least give him something back after all he did for me.”  
“Don't always feel like you have debts to pay, Grell. He loves you, so you don't need to pay him back in any way, or does he want that?”  
“No...he says the same as you.”  
“See? If you want to do anything for him, do it because you feel like it, not because you think you have to do this.”  
“But...he buys me things, for example. I would love to buy him something too, but I don't have money...”  
“Then do something else, it doesn't need to be something you bought...I can't believe that I'm actually talking with you about that.”  
Grell smiled crooked, leaning back against the soft cushion of the couch.  
“Well, you get paid by the nation to be my psychologist, so you kind of have to talk about the things I want.”  
“No. I have to listen to you and try my best to heal you from your depression, it's not my duty to tell you how to improve your relationships or tell you things about my private life.”  
Now the redhead pouted, knowing that Will was right.  
“Okay, okay. Still, thank you. I'm really glad that you are my doctor now, not Dr. Turner. I could have never talked with him about any of the things we usually talk about, I couldn't have told him that I was feeling better at all.”  
“It's my job, after all. Now...I think Undertaker is waiting for you already.”

The ex-mortician was indeed waiting for him, but this time at the entrance of the dining room, so they could go to Alan together.  
“How was your therapy?”, Grell asked with a serious expression, noticing that Undertaker's hands were shaking a little.  
“Same as usual, don't worry about me. Let's go?”  
He took the redhead's elbow and led him to the table where Alan was sitting already. He wasn't as crouched and miserable looking anymore and lifted his head when they sat down.  
“Hi, Alan! So...this is my best friend, Undertaker. Undie, Alan.”  
Undertaker gave Grell an amused glance when he was introduced as 'best friend', but then smiled at the young man in a polite way.  
“Nice to meet you.”  
“Yeah, hello...”  
“I'll get our food Undie”, the redhead said with a smile, stroking over his love's shoulder one time before doing so. When he came back, they had started to talk, so he simply sat down and watched them, starting to eat, shortly followed by the others.  
“I guess Grell told you that she was depressed too, didn't she?”  
Grell himself looked at him surprised, but very happy. Undertaker addressed him as a woman? He had never used pronouns concerning him at all, because he never spoke with anyone about him while he was around, but the redhead hadn't expected him to do that just because he wanted to be a woman. Alan, however, frowned shortly, but didn't comment on it.  
“Yes. He also told me that it became better because of you. At the beginning I didn't want to believe that, I didn't think it was necessary to feel better, but...now I notice that company feels good and that this is indeed better than just waiting for death...”  
“I'm glad to hear that.”  
“Yeah...so...thank you. Both of you.”  
“No problem. So...do we want to go to a more comfortable place? I think this horrible colourful room is more depressing than everything else.”  
Alan nodded slowly, not really caring, so they all stood up and walked to the garden, because they could talk peacefully there and weren't surrounded by suffocating walls. On the way, Alan leaned down a little so he could whisper into Grell's ear.  
“Grell? Why is he talking of you as a female?”  
The redhead smiled crooked.  
“Because I want to be a woman, he's just doing me the favour and treats me like one.”  
“Oh...that's...nice off him. Do you want me to do that as well?”  
“It would be nice, but you don't have to.”

As soon as they were out of sight from the building, Grell took his love's hand, stroking it with his thumb. The ex-mortician looked at him with a risen eyebrow, then at Alan.  
“It's okay, he knows it.”  
“Don't worry, I won't tell anyone”, Alan added. He looked at their connected hands, his gaze getting a little longingly before he stared at the ground again, then sat down under the tree. Undertaker did so as well, leaning against it with his back and spreading his legs a little, so someone could sit between them. Grell bit his lip. He would love to sit down there, with his back against his Undie's warm chest, but that wasn't that polite in front of Alan.  
“It's okay”, the young man said, not lifting his eyes, though. The redhead looked between them, but then sat down between Undertaker's legs, who wrapped his arms around the small form from behind, pulled him close to himself and kissed his neck before letting him go, so Alan wouldn't feel that useless.  
“So, Alan, were there any things you liked to do before you came here?”  
“Well, I...I liked reading. And...”  
He blushed.  
“Yes?”  
“Please don't laugh at me. I liked...knitting.”  
Grell smiled at him warmly.  
“I think that's really cute. Could you show me?”  
“Sure, why not...”  
“Great! Thank you. Then Undie will get some scarfs for winter.”  
“As long as they are black, I don't mind. I think you can buy wool at the shop, maybe even black. They can't forbid black scarfs too.”  
The redhead turned his head to kiss his love's cheek. Finally he could do something for him.


	25. Day 60

Day 60  
Grell sat down in Will's office, smiling at him widely.  
“Hello, my favourite psychologist!”  
“Um...hello. You seem like you're in a very good mood, that's fine, because the day has come for me to stop to prescribe you drugs”  
“Really?!”  
“Yes. I told you this would happen soon.”  
“Yeah, still the thought is...it will be a weird feeling. Anyway, I'll get used to it. What's more interesting: How is Ronnie?”  
“He is fine, his 'bad times' are really rare now, mostly he is in high spirits.”  
“That's good. Alan is feeling better too, he sometimes even smiles. He's such a good person, he deserves some last good days.”  
Will just nodded, taking some notes again.

He sat down next to Alan and Undertaker, stroking the latter's arm shortly.  
“Hi, boys! Guess who doesn't need drugs anymore!”  
The white haired man whistled, stroking Grell's knee under the table, so no one could see it.  
“That's great! “  
“I just hope I won't feel worse again.”  
Alan shook his head lightly.  
“I don't think so. You are feeling so well already, you have Undertaker...”  
“We'll find a nice guy for you as well, I'm sure of that, such a loveable little thingy as you. Do you like one of the men here?”  
“No...they are all so...weird.”  
“Besides you still like this Eric, don't you?”  
“...yes.”  
“Oh, dear...”  
Undertaker smiled at him, stroking Grell's back in a way that prevented the young man from seeing it.  
“I don't know if it helps, but I would have been interested in you if I didn't have my fine lady here.”  
“That's nice of you, thank you.”  
“Why is that nice? You are handsome, beautiful, loving, a good listener...”  
The young man blushed lightly, not knowing what to say to this.  
“Thank you...”  
“You don't need to thank me all the time, I'm just stating facts.”  
The small man nodded, then, from one second to another, turned pale. He wrapped an arm around himself, pressing his lips together.  
“Alan? Is something wrong?”  
“N-No, it's just-”  
In that moment, he started to cough. He held a hand in front of his mouth and turned away, but Grell could see the light red blood running down between his fingers. Some other patients and a guard were staring at them more or less interested.  
“Oh, shit...”  
He slid to Alan, immediately laying his arms around the small form and supporting him. Undertaker stood up, bent down and then lifted him up bridal style before quickly walking back to the building, Grell following him. The brunette coughed harder, his eyes getting wet, because it felt like he had millions of needles in his lungs every time. The ex-mortician hold him close to himself, making sure to not shake him too much, and stroked his arm gently.  
“Bring him to the hospital ward!”, Grell said breathless, but Alan sat up as good as possible and wiped some blood off his mouth.  
“No! I...I just want to go to my room.”  
“You sure?”  
“Yes. It...it will stop soon.”  
The white-haired man nodded and carried him the way he directed, in his room laying him down on the bed. He had stopped coughing and retching by now, but was still pale, covered in blood and looked very weak.  
Grell wetted a towel, then sat down on the bed and cleaned him carefully.  
“No...don't do that. It's okay. I'm sorry.”  
“Don't be, it's not your fault”, the redhead said back softly, wiping the towel over his chin and throat. Undertaker knelt down in front of the bed, eying him closely.  
“How often does this happen, if I may ask?”  
“Nearly every day.”  
Grell's eyes widened.  
“Nearly every day?! Then why didn't I know about this?”  
“I was lucky yesterday and before that...we weren't together that long, it usually happens in the afternoon.”  
“Oh, Alan...is there anything we can do for you?”  
“Can you leave? I need to rest a little.”  
“If you want that...”  
“Yes. Don't worry, I'm already feeling better, I managed this alone all the time. So please...”  
Undertaker nodded slowly, then he stood up and took Grell's hand.  
“Then let's go, so he can sleep. You'll make it Alan, I'm sure of that. We'll see each other at lunch then tomorrow.”  
“Yeah, sure. You...you are great friends. Both of you.”  
It nearly broke Grell's heart, but he left the room together with Undertaker, slumping down on his own bed with a desperate look on his face.  
“Don't be too worried, Grell. As he said, until now he managed it alone too.”  
“But I still am worried! I was too when I found out that you were getting electric shocks, although you had gotten them a few days already and managed it alone.”  
“But you can't change it, Grell, you have to accept that.”  
The redhead sighed, nodding slowly.  
“I know, even if I don't like it. I wish it was different, but...that's life, huh...”  
“Think of the positive aspects, dear. He is feeling better now, he is happier, he sometimes smiles. You did a lot for him already, more than anyone before did and he is really thankful for that. You can be proud of yourself.”  
“Yeah...yeah, maybe. Still...”  
Suddenly he remembered something else that ha bothered him all the time and he looked up at his love, eyes a little worried.  
“Undie? Do you really think Alan is handsome?  
The taller man frowned in a surprised way.  
“Yes. I do. Why do you ask?”  
“Oh, there's no reason, I was just curious...”  
“Dear? Could it be that you are jealous?”  
“What?! Of course not!”  
Grinning, Undertaker sat down and quickly pulled the redhead into his lap, stroking his cheek with one hand, pulling him close to himself with the other one.  
“You are. But there's no need to worry. He is handsome, but you are gorgeous and I love you, dear. You are everything I need to be happy.”  
“Really? But he is-”  
“Not as breathtaking as you are.”  
He used his other hand as well to pull Grell as close to himself as possible, arms wrapped around the small of his body, and kissed him both lovingly and eagerly. He relaxed, all worries being washed away. He kissed back and after a while even shoved his hands under his love's shirt, receiving goosebumps and pleased sounds. From one second to another, Undertaker had pushed him down, lying on top of him and stroking his sides. Grell bit his lip, then slowly wrapped his legs around his waist. The white-haired man gasped a little before starting to place soft kisses to the redhead's neck. He would have liked to bite him or suck hickeys into his skin, do everything to claim him as his, but they would have been too visible. At least at the throat, that is...  
He pulled the collar of Grell's shirt down and treated his skin below his clavicle, where it was usually hidden by fabric, exactly like that. The redhead moaned softly, grabbing his hair tighter. Undertaker smiled a little, glad that his love accepted this so eagerly, and ran his fingertips over Grell's hip bones that were exposed now as his shirt had slid up.  
Nevertheless he was pushed away a second later.  
“I'm sorry. Was this too much?”, he asked, leaning back.  
“No...no, that's not it. I would have liked to continue for a while, but...well, I don't like the thought that Alan is suffering while we are...making out.”  
“That's understandable. But...you would have wanted to continue?”  
“A little. Not that far, but yes. I quite liked this...”  
“That makes me glad, I was worried it would be too much.”  
“It wasn't, I enjoyed it.”  
Undertaker leaned his forehead against Grell's, breathing out slowly.  
“Aren't you sorry for Alan?”, the redhead asked after a while.  
“Why shouldn't I be?”  
“You seem so...calm. As if this wouldn't bother you.”  
“It does and I feel sorry for Alan. But I know when something is lost. We should give our best to help him, but keep an emotional distance without him letting him know it. Because he will die soon and nothing can change something about that. So when we let his fate bother us too much, then we'll be crushed when the moment comes.”  
“Is that so bad?”  
“No...it's not. But I prefer it to not happen. I can't order you to do the same, so when you like this way better...”  
“I do. Otherwise I would feel like a traitor.”  
“I never thought about it in that way...”  
“I can't force you to anything either.”


	26. Day 64

Day 64  
“Any differences without drugs now?”  
“Not really. I had a headache the last two days, but nothing bad.”  
“That's really good. We still need to watch this, though, in case your state gets worse again. But as I said already, I don't think so. I'm really proud of you, Grell.”  
“Well, it was Undertaker who did this.”  
“But still you had to accept the fact that he wanted to help you and you actively decided for getting rid of your father or rather of thoughts of him, it was you alone who decided for this.”  
“Okay, although you still don't need to be proud of me.”  
“You are my patient and you are as good as healed, so of course am proud. Not only that, you are doing your best to make a man who has the same problem as you feel better as well, I would call this quite an achievement. How is he now?”  
“A lot better! He really laughed yesterday. And there were only two...attacks? I don't know how to call it, in the last four days. Well, that's still a lot, but better than before.”  
“That's good to hear.”  
“Why aren't you his doctor as well?”  
“You could say that my capacity is reached. Dr. Green is a very skilled man and he shares my opinion concerning the electroconvulsion therapy, though, so Alan didn't have to fear anything.”  
“He is interested in men too.”  
Dr. Spears sighed, leaning back. He was probably thinking something like 'Why is everyone here gay?!'.  
“Why do I even wonder. I don't know what Dr. Green would do if he found out. It's always better to keep it a secret. Anyway, do you have any more questions? Anything you want to talk about?”  
“No, it's all fine, I guess.”  
“Good. Until tomorrow, then.”  
“Bye!”

Walking to the dining room, he hummed a song he had danced to with Undertaker two days ago, Rumba again. He really liked it because he could be so close to his love and rely on him fully. Was there anything better?  
Alan smiled at him when he sat down and the ex-mortician stroked his thigh shortly.  
“Hi, guys.”  
“Hey, Grell. I hope you are hungry, the meal doesn't look that bad today.”  
“Yeah, but we could both need a few more pounds. Although I gained some weight already. Just three or four more pounds and I look like I want to – still slim, but not so unhealthy.”  
Undertaker looked at him honestly.  
“I like you either way, but being that thin just wasn't healthy, so it's better now.”  
Alan rolled his eyes lightly, but smiled a little.  
“You are a cute couple, you know that?”  
“Shh, careful! But thank you. I'm sure we'll find a nice guy for you too. What about this one?” He nodded at Peter Sandler, the man who always rocked back and forth wherever he was sitting and whispered things about his dead family. The brunette chuckled, slapping his arm.  
“No, thank you, then I rather stay alone. If Eric was here, this would be a whole different case, but he wasn't the type who needs to get treated in an asylum.”  
“You really liked him, didn't you? When you still think about him?”  
“Yeah...my life was just horrible. I never wanted to go home because I was afraid of my brother, I knew that I had cancer, I was always alone...and then I saw him. He was everything I always wanted to be, he seemed like he had no problems at all but friends instead. I admired him a lot and then...I noticed that I felt more for him, even if I didn't really know him. That's rather stupid, I know...”  
His face got red and he looked down, biting his lips. Grell stroked his back in a comforting way.  
“It's not stupid, it's understandable. What about his character?”  
“He had a big mouth, but he was never really mean or anything, he even helped me once when I fell and all my things were spread on the ground. He was so calm and...tender then. It was probably nothing for him, but it meant so much to me. In the end I just got even more depressed because of it.”  
“Then don't think about it, think about now. Undie and me, we both like you. Maybe not in the way you liked Eric, but you still mean a lot to us.”  
“Yeah, I know, that's really cute from you. Who knows, maybe I'll find a better one than him?”  
“You can't say there's no variety here. Everything from schizophrenia to histrionic personality disorder, you just have to choose”, Grell giggled, waving around.  
“This Mister Keinz you told me about seems really nice.”  
“Very. Technically you could betray him with himself.”  
The both chuckled and Undertaker, who had been silent all the time, shook his head.  
“You are like giggly teenager girls.”  
Grell pouted at him.  
“Is that so bad?”  
“It was just a statement, not criticism. 

In the evening, Grell sat down and rubbed his eyes, being really exhausted. Probably because of the 'deprivation' too. Undertaker knelt down before him, taking his face into his hands.  
“You look tired, dear.”  
“I am tired, was a long day.”  
“Do you want a massage until you fall asleep?”  
“Please?”  
“Okay, then lay down.”  
The redhead removed his shirt, by now without even thinking about it, and laid down on his tummy, getting goosebumps when he felt his love's warm hands on his back, caressing it softly.  
“You are so pretty, dear...I love your back, it's so small and fragile, you have the perfect shape now.”  
He ran his finger tips over Grell's spine, then outlined his shoulder blades and let them wander over his ribs that couldn't be seen that clear under his skin anymore. The redhead breathed out when he started to massage him, closing his eyes. Undertaker worked on the knots in a gentle way, so Grell would be able to drift off, and ran his lips over his skin too every now and then, feeling how smooth and flawless it was, like milk.  
It didn't take him long to fall asleep. The ex-mortician chuckled lowly when the person under his fingers didn't react anymore, just slept peacefully, long lashes surrounding the eye lid like a fan and rosy, perfectly formed lips, slightly parted. He bent down to kiss his cheek, then pulled Grell on top of himself to warm him and spread the comforter over them, arms wrapped around his love's small waist.


	27. Day 65

Day 65  
The redhead awoke when someone started to kiss his face, scrunching his nose a little.  
“Wanna sleeeep...”  
“I know, dear, but you need to get dressed and have breakfast before you go to your meeting with Dr. Spears. When you don't stand up now, you'll come too late.”  
“I'll go like that...”  
He pulled his pillow over his head.  
“Shirtless? I'm afraid that I would have to come with you then to make sure that none of the disgusting men stares at my lady.”  
Grell grinned at that and sat up, kissing Undertaker in the process.  
“Don't you want other men to look at me? I really can't understand this, I like getting admiring stares.”  
“Let's put it that way: You are my girlfriend and I'm quite possessive, so I don't like other men to look at your beautiful body. Admiring stares are totally alright, but only if they come from me.”  
“Ah, I see. Then you can be glad that you are the only one to look at me in an admiring way. Now turn around, I want to put on new clothes.”  
Undertaker did so, not too happy with it, though. He would have rather looked at Grell in an admiring way, preferably at all of his body. But Grell didn't want that, so he had to be a little more patient.  
He smiled when two small arms hugged him from behind.  
“You are so tall...”  
“Maybe you are just so small?”  
Turning around, he laid his chin on the top of Grell's head, then straightened again, because the sister knocked and brought them their breakfast.  
When the redhead had brushed his teeth an bent down to take his tablet from the nightstand, he got a little slap on the bum. He gasped surprised, but not in a negative way, sat down and grinned at Undertaker.  
“You are a meanie, you know that? Startling a lady like that from behind.”  
“Mh...I think the lady's boyfriend is allowed to do that.”  
“You think so?”  
“Yes.”  
“Well...then it has to be.”  
He started to eat, eyes fixated on Undertaker, though. This man was just so...  
“Let's meet here before we go to lunch, okay? I have something for you.”  
“Oh, Undie...you know that I don't want you to buy that many things for me...”  
“It's not bought.”  
“No? Well...then I'm looking forward to it.”

After another rather delighted talk with Dr. Spears – he was still more than pleased with the results of Grell not taking medicine anymore –, the redhead went back to his room like he had promised Undertaker. The ex-mortician was waiting there already, smiling a little.  
“You look happy. Did Dr. Turner show mercy today?”  
“No, but that's alright. Turn around.”  
Grell frowned, but did so, feeling his love's hands in his neck and then a slightly cold feeling under his clavicles. He looked down, finding a small golden necklace with a matching ring with a big emerald on it. He looked up, still holding the ring carefully.  
“Undie, that's...you can't give that to me.”  
“But I want. I don't have any use for it anymore and it would make me happy to see it on you.”  
“But this is far too precious! I can't accept such an expensive gift, a fortiori not a this place, it could be stolen or anything. There was a reason why you kept this in your locker.”  
“Grell, listen. The ring means nothing to me, I want you to have it. When you come out, you can go to a jeweller and make it smaller, so you can really wear it. If you want, that is. I think it's much more beautiful on you than it was on me, so please do me the favour and accept it.”  
Grell looked at the ring again, it was indeed beautiful with the sparkling stone and everything. He sighed and shoved it under the collar of his shirt, then hugged his love shortly, but firmly.  
“Thank you.”  
“You are welcome. Lunch now?”  
“Yeah, Alan is probably waiting for us already.”  
They walked to the dining room, but the place where the brunette usually sat was empty. Grell frowned, looking to the clock at the wall. Alan's therapy was over half an hour already, or was Dr. Green keeping him longer today? He sat down, smiling at his love.  
“My knitting got better already, the wool you bought is very good.”  
“So I will have a fine scarf soon? It's August, but it would be perfect for winter.”  
“I think so too. When I'm more skilled, you'll get a cap and gloves too.”  
“Wow, I'll look like a wool monster then.”  
“Sure, I don't want you to freeze.”  
He looked at the clock again after some time. Fifty-four minutes. Huh.  
“I'll ask the guard if he knows where Alan is. I'm afraid he had another attack again...”  
“Yeah, do that. I'll get our food in the meantime.”  
The redhead stood up and walked to the guard next to the door.  
“Excuse me? Do you know where Alan Humphries is? The man who usually sits at the table over there, small, brown hair?”  
The guard stared at him for a second.   
“I'm sorry, he died during the night.”  
Grell's eyes widened. He just stood there and stared at the guard, too shocked to reply anything. Then he turned around and ran out of the room.

Undertaker looked after him, their tablets still in his arms. He had known that this would come, he had known it all along. Biting his lip, he put the tablets down again, ignoring the cafeteria lady's angry comments about not cherishing her meal, and went to their room, hoping to find Grell there. When he opened the door, the redhead was lying on the bed, face buried in his pillow and sobbing mercilessly. The ex-mortician sat down on the rim of the bed and simply pulled him in. The redhead buried his face in his love's shirt, wetting it more and more.  
They sat there for some minutes without saying anything, but eventually Grell lifted his head to look at Undertaker, cheeks wet and eyes nearly as red as his hair.  
“He...he...”  
“I know, dear. I know...”  
“I had hoped...after he felt better...”  
“Sometimes your body fights back one last time before you pass away...”  
“But why had it to be him?! He was only nineteen! For the first time in his life he was happy, and then...”  
Undertaker pulled him closer, gently wiping his tears away, but there were always new ones.  
“I know it is unfair. But it was better than not being happy at all. In the end he was rather satisfied with his life.”  
“But I want him to live!”  
“I know, me too.”  
Grell sobbed again, pushing his head against his love's chest and receiving more soft pets.  
“Relax, dear. Everything will be fine.”  
“Nothing is fine!”  
“Alan wouldn't have wanted you to suffer that much.”  
“But I do! Now shut up or leave me alone!”  
Biting his lips, Undertaker just kissed his head. He didn't like to see his love in tears, but what could he do if his attempt to comfort him wasn't accepted...

In the evening Grell finally feel asleep, cheeks still being wet. Or again, the ex-mortician didn't know. He laid the redhead down carefully and covered him with the comforter, deciding to stay awake and make sure he slept peacefully. He was nearly about to fall asleep in the middle of the night when his love started to shift, throwing his head to the sides. Undertaker rubbed his eyes, then placed his hands on Grell's shoulders to keep him still.  
“It's fine, love. There's no need to worry...”  
The small form relaxed again and Undertaker wrapped his arms around him. A few minutes later he drove off too, too tired to fight sleep any longer.


	28. Day 66

Day 66  
Grell opened his eyes and sat up early in the morning. He remembered what had happened and felt bad again, but not as terrible as yesterday. He stared at his hands that were now folded on the comforter, breathing out shakingly. He was dead. The kind, cute, small Alan who had deserved so much better was dead. The redhead shortly looked at Undertaker who still slept. He had dark circles under his eyes and looked really done. He decided to let his love sleep, he had probably been awake all night. Maybe he could ask the nurse to tell Dr. Turner he was ill? Yeah, he would do that. Now he felt sorry for being angry at him yesterday, he had just wanted to comfort him and in the end he was right. Alan had had some great last days, he had died...not a happy man, but at least close to that. It hurt nonetheless. He closed his eyes again, wanting nothing more than this day to pass. Same for the next. And the one after that.  
The nurse knocked and came in, nodding at Grell.  
“Miss? Can you possibly tell Dr. Turner that Mr. Craven is not feeling well? He won't come to his therapy today.”  
“Does he need medicine?”  
“No, I don't think so. He just needs sleep.”  
The nurse eyed Grell's eyes that were a little red again, but nodded and walked out again. The redhead buried his face in his hands and breathed in deeply, then stood up to dress and eat something. When it was time to go to his meeting with Will, he kissed Undertaker's lips softly, ran a hand through the soft white hair and left.

Dr. Spears looked at him compassionately when he came in.  
“I heard of it already...I'm really sorry, Grell.”  
Grell sniffed lightly, nodding and sitting down on the couch.  
“Didn't you know it yesterday already?”  
“No...I'm not his doctor, so I didn't need to be informed about it first. Besides it was not a real surprise, so no on made a big deal out of it.”  
“I do.”  
“I know, Grell. If I had heard of it earlier, I would have told you yesterday, but...”  
The redhead nodded, his lips quivering again. Talking about it just brought the pain back.  
“Do you want to talk about it? If not we can change the topic too”, Will said softly, taking off his glasses.  
“I...I don't know. On one hand I want to understand why it had to be him, but I guess then I will cry again.”  
“Then cry. I'm a psychologist, it's not like I'm not used to tears. They are healthy, you know. If you suppress your feelings you can get gastric ulcers.”  
Grell just nodded, pulling his legs up.  
“Life sucks.”  
“That depends. You can be lucky or not, but it depends what you do with the things you get.”  
“What about an abusive brother who beats you up and rapes you, students who bully you all the time and cancer?”  
Dr. Spears looked down, adjusting his glasses.  
“That's a real pity. But in the end he decided for being happy, didn't he?”  
“He did. He...he laughed and didn't cut anymore. He even looked for a boyfriend after the last guy he liked ignored him. But...this was all useless now.”  
He buried his face in his hands, starting to cry again. Will took a handkerchief from the table next to him and handed it to the redhead without a comment. Grell lifted his head, took the handkerchief and wiped over his cheeks, then gave his nose a blow.  
“Sorry...”  
“No problem. Think of the positive things, Grell. Before his death he was happy. He died in his sleep, so it wasn't a painful death. All his pain is finally over.”  
“He died in his sleep?”  
“Yes.”  
Will didn't tell him the fact that Alan had coughed blood again and in the end choked on it.  
“Well...at least that...”  
More sniffing and tears. Will definitely wished for Undertaker to be here now. That he was used to that didn't mean he liked it.  
“What did Undertaker say to this?”  
“Pretty much the same as you. I think he...he was awake until I don't know to make sure I sleep without problems. He was so tired in the morning that he didn't even wake up when I dressed and everything...I said the nurse he was ill.”  
“He really cares for you.”  
“I know. He doesn't like to see me like this, but...I can't change it. Now I make him sad too, great.”  
He used the handkerchief again, then hid it in one of his shaking hands.  
“I don't want to cause him trouble...”  
“You don't, Grell. Or maybe you do, but he doesn't care, he just wants you to smile again, I'm sure of that, and he is willing to do nearly everything to achieve this.”  
“I...I want him to be happy.”  
“See? Then think of the good aspects. It's only natural that you are very sad about his demise, but for him it was better than living another year like that. You gave him great last days and you can be really sure of that.”  
“M-Maybe...you know, there was someone he liked at school, his name was Eric Slingby. Could I possibly...write a letter to him and inform him about everything?”  
“Do you think this would be good?”  
“Well...I think maybe he did notice Alan. I want him to know that he meant a lot to him...”  
He looked up with still red, but at least dry eyes.  
“Okay. You can write the letter and I'll take it with me to send it after work. Do you know where he lives?”  
“No...”  
“Then I'll look that up in the telephone book.”  
“Thank you, Will.”  
The doctor sighed at the title, but nodded. He felt too sorry for the little redhead to turn him down.  
“You are welcome.”

Grell wiped over his eyes a last time, then decided to look after his love. He was indeed feeling better now, after the long talk with Dr. Spears.  
Undertaker was sitting on the rim of the bed, when he came in, massaging his temples. The redhead frowned and sat down next to him.  
“Undie?”  
“Uh...what time is it?”  
“Twelve, lunch time.”  
“Shit. I missed my meeting with Dr. Turner. Why didn't you wake me?”  
“You looked very tired. I told the nurse you were ill, so you could sleep in. I didn't want you to go to the therapy like that.”  
“Then...thank you. How are you feeling?”  
“Better. I talked about it with Will. He allowed me to write a letter to this Eric to explain him everything. I don't know if he even remembers Alan, but...maybe he does.”  
Undertaker nodded slowly, then pulled his love close, leaning their foreheads against each other.  
“I'm sorry that I seemed so cold, dear. Don't think his death didn't touch me, it did.”  
“Yeah, I know. I was just...really shocked by it, after he felt better and everything. But Will is right, for him it was the best, he had suffered too long already. It was at least peaceful, in his sleep...”  
“Yes? That's good.”


	29. Day 67

Day 67  
Chewing on the pencil in his hand, he thought about what to write. Undertaker was sitting behind him, being the perfect support, and massaged his neck a little. Grell closed his eyes, trying to imagine Eric to have a better idea to whom he was writing. Although it didn't matter anyway. Maybe Eric didn't even know who this Alan was and would throw the letter away. That's why he decided to just write down everything that came to his mind, Undertaking replacing his hands with his lips, running them over his neck softly.

Dear Eric,  
my name is Grell, we don't know each other personally. Please read this anyway. I don't know if you remember him, but there was a shy, brunette boy at your school. His name was Alan Humphries. Alan didn't have a nice time. He was abused by his brother, had cancer and was always alone. But he liked you. A lot. Maybe you don't even remember, but one time you helped him with his things and this meant a lot to him. However, he was very depressed and cut, therefore he came to Mount Massive Asylum. That's the place I am writing from and there I met him two weeks ago. At the beginning he didn't even want to talk to me, but opened up after some time, because I had the same problem as him. In the last days he was feeling better, he smiled and was happy. He could never forget you, though. He told me about you and that's why I am writing to you now.  
Alan died yesterday because of his cancer. It was a shock to me, because the doctors had said he still had some weeks left. But you can never know, huh...but in the end this was the best, now his pain is finally over, no matter how I feel.  
So...I don't know if you even know whom I'm talking about or if you care at all. But he loved you and maybe you noticed him as well...  
I thought you should know this. If you don't care, I'm really sorry for bothering you.  
Yours truly,  
Grell-dear

He leaned back, letting his head fall onto Undertaker's shoulder. The ex-mortician kissed him softly, hands on his shoulders again.  
“Can I read it?”  
“Sure, if you want.”  
Undertaker looked over his shoulder, reading the words his redhead had written in the last minutes. When he was done, he wrapped his arms around him from behind.  
“This is really cute. I'm sure he'll answer, even if he doesn't remember Alan. It was really nice of you to do this, Alan would be thankful.”  
“Well, first he would blush...”  
“But then be thankful for what you did.”  
“Yeah...yeah okay. It felt good to write this. It made me sad too, but this needed to be said. Do you think there will be a burial?”  
“No, to be honest...his family didn't visit him once, so I guess they don't care about him at all and the asylum certainly won't pay something so expensive. For them he was just another psycho, no one to worry about. They will probably just incinerate him and use the ash as fertiliser for their roses...”  
He saw Grell's pained expression and bit his lip.  
“Sorry. This wasn't necessary.”  
“But it's true, isn't it? They don't care about us, they simply do their job and in the end we are nothing but ashes.”  
“But it doesn't matter what they think about us, dear. As long as we have at least one person...”  
Grell smiled lightly, turning around to hug his love. As long as they were together, it would be fine.


	30. Day 71

Day 71  
“So...which dance do you want today?”  
“Tango? Is that okay?”  
Undertaker grinned.  
“It's more than okay, dear. You know what to do? I have something new to teach to you. It's rather...close. I hope you don't mind?”  
“Not at all.”  
“Good. So you lay your right leg around my waist, I'll hold it to support you better. Then I'll take a step back and you have to stretch a lot. It's important that your left leg is straight all the time, otherwise you'll fall. Want to try it??”  
“Yes.”  
He grabbed Undertaker's shoulders firmly and wrapped his leg around the taller one's waist, what wasn't that easy, because the size difference was so big.  
“It would be easier if you could wear high heels...”  
“Yeah, so why don't you go to Dr. Turner and ask if you can have a pair of high heels for your boyfriend so the two of you can dance together more easily?”  
The ex-mortician chuckled lightly and shook his head, then grabbed Grell's thigh to hold him. The redhead's eyes widened a little and Undertaker bent down to his ear.  
“Is this still okay? We don't need to dance this if you feel uncomfortable with it.”  
“No, it's okay. I...I really liked that.”  
The white haired man grinned widely and took a step back, so Grell was just hold by him.   
“Very good, dear. You have a good body suspense. Now I walk to you again so you can stand straight.”  
He did so, earning a shy smile.  
“I like this routine.”  
“Then let's try it during dancing.”  
Undertaker turned on the gramophone and they started to dance. First the things Grell knew already, but then his love grabbed the underside of his thigh and pulled him close for the new routine. The redhead winced at the touch, letting out a soft moan. Then his eyes widened and he blushed deeper than ever before. Undertaker looked at him surprised, but slowly a wide grin started to form on his face.  
“Do you like that, dear?”, he asked teasingly, stroking his thigh. Grell swallowed, nodding slowly with still red cheeks.  
“No need to be ashamed. That's a good sign for me, isn't it? So...do we want to continue or rather not?”  
“N-No. We can continue.”  
“Okay.”  
They continued dancing, Grell's heart beating hard. This had been embarrassing. But it had felt so damn good...  
He was glad that he wasn't allowed to look at Undertaker during dancing Tango. At least during the basic step.

Grell sat down on his bed, looking up at his love shyly, then at his feet.  
“Um...Undie?”  
“Yes?”  
“What you did...um...I mean...”  
“Calm down, dear, everything is alright.”  
“Okay, so...could you...er...do this...again?”  
Undertaker grinned again, kneeling down in front of the deep red redhead and gently living his chin up, so he had to look at him.  
“There's no need to blush, dear, don't worry. I can do everything you want and you don't have to be ashamed. Just tell me what you want.”  
“O-Okay. So...I'd like that.”  
The ex-mortician gently parted Grell's legs, kneeling between them and running his hands over the undersides of his thighs. Grell gasped, grabbing Undertaker's hair. This gave him enough courage to do the same with his inner thighs. The redhead let out another moan, directly followed by a surprised sound.  
“O-Oh I'm sorry. This just.”  
Undertaker sighed, keeping his hands on his love's thighs.  
“Grell, dear. I like the sounds you made. They...they turn me on. So don't be ashamed or hold them back.”  
“They...turn you on?”  
“Yes. So do me the favour and calm down a little.”  
“Alright...”  
He leaned back, running a hand through his hair. Why did he always ruin everything...first the kiss and now this. Shit, shit, shit...  
Undertaker sighed again and crawled onto the bed, gently stroking Grell's face.  
“Love...if you want it, I'll do it, but then you have to relax. Okay?”  
“Yes.”  
“Good.”  
He smiled lightly and started to kiss him, running his hands over the redhead's thighs and to his bum. Grell made more soft sounds, causing Undertaker to pull him on top of himself, the grip on his bum tightening. The smaller one got goosebumps and without even thinking about it pulled his love's shirt over his head. The white-haired man hummed surprised, but definitely not averse. He caught Grell staring at his abs. Yes, starting to work out had definitely been worth it.  
“You can touch me, you know...”, he said lowly, smiling lightly.   
“You look good”, the redhead whispered back, indeed running his finger tips over the very nice build upper body. Then he bent down and gently kissed Undertaker's tummy, receiving a moan.  
“W-Whoa!”  
“Good or not good?”  
He looked up unsurely.  
“Definitely good!”  
“So I should continue it?”  
Without waiting for an answer, he repeated his action, running his lips over everything of his chest he could reach. After a while Undertaker grabbed his hips and pushed Grell down, eager to do him the same favour. He slowly removed the redhead's shirt and treated every new piece of smooth, white skin that came into view. When he threw the shirt aside, Grell bit his lips. He immediately sat up again.  
“Something wrong?”  
“No...it's just...I'm sorry for the scars...I wish I could offer you a better view.”  
The ex-mortician smiled softly, but a little sad too.  
“I love you and everything about you, so don't be sorry. You are so beautiful, dear..”  
He leaned down again, running his tongue over the longest of Grell's scars.  
“Oh m-my...”  
“That's better than all the blushes, isn't it?”  
“Y-Yes...”  
Undertaker chuckled lowly and continued his action, massaging Grell's thighs in the meantime, getting soft sighs and moans in response. When he leaned back, the redhead was breathing harder, a wide smile gracing his face.  
“That was...wow.”  
He pulled his love in and kissed him again. Without thinking about his actions, he reached for Undertaker's pants and pulled them down in a swift motion, leaving him in his underwear. The taller man tensed, grabbing Grell's hip bones.  
“Grell...”  
“Y-Yes? Did I do something wrong?”  
“No, you didn't. It's just...do you want to...? Because if not, then we have to stop now before I can't control myself anymore.”  
“And if I want to...?”  
“Then you would make me a happy man.”  
“So you want it too? With me?”  
The white-haired man chuckled darkly.  
“Dear, I want to do this with you since I first saw you.”  
“Yes? Oh...that's good, I guess. I...I want it too. I think I'm ready for this now.”  
He looked up shyly, playing with his fingers a little. It seemed like the moment had finally come...  
Undertaker smiled at him widely, then pulled him close again for more kisses while he removed Grell's pants as well, running his hands over his sides. After that he pushed his love into the cushions, then laid down on top of him. The redhead shivered at the feeling, although they were still separated by two layers of fabric....one layer of fabric, in this moment Undertaker removed his Underwear as well. Grell blushed again, looking at the ground and the ex-mortician chuckled before lying on top of him again.  
“You are cute dear. You can look at me, I won't bite you...unless you want it, then I'll do that.”  
“Yeah, I know...”  
He kissed his Undie again, one hand in his hair, the other one at his back. After some seconds, the taller one slid back, looking at the last piece of fabric.  
“Do you really want this? Last chance to say no.”  
“I want it.”  
“Okay.”  
He stroked over the waistband of Grell's underwear, then gently took it to pull it down.  
“Um...Undie?”  
“Yes?”  
“Please don't have too high expectations. If it's not that great or...or if you think that I'm...ugly, then I'm really sorry...”  
“Grell, dear...I'm sure it will be perfect. The most important thing is that you can relax and enjoy it as well, I want it to feel good for both of us.”  
“Thank you...”  
Undertaker kissed him again, then pulled down his underwear as well, a smile forming.  
“You are not ugly at all, dear...”  
Grell smiled a little, watching how his love lifted his legs onto his shoulders and kissed his knee one last time.


	31. Day 72

Day 72  
Grell opened his eyes in the morning, looking at the sleeping form next to him. Undertaker had a satisfied expression, like a man who had just...well, who had just gotten what he waited for for a long time. The redhead smiled at him for a while, then stood up and dressed before walking out and to the garden, he needed to think.  
He sat down under the tree, wincing a little because of a certain region, and looked at his hands.  
It had been great, wonderful, everything he could have ever asked for. Undertaker had been so sweet and gentle with him, being careful to hurt him as little as possible. He smiled a bit at the memory, that was not the reason why he was sitting here.  
Now he had broken every rule his father had ever sat for him. He was happy, he was with a person who made him feel good, and now he had bound himself to this person. If his father was here, he would be punished. A lot. He had promised himself to get rid of thoughts of him, to live a normal life. But the fact that he had broken the last rule as well now...  
He pulled his legs close, biting his lips, and placed his chin on top of them. Undertaker meant everything to him, he never wanted to live without him again. Still...his father would have never approved of him.  
He sighed, rubbing his temples lightly.

Suddenly he heard steps and Undertaker sat down next to him, pressing his lips together. He didn't say anything for a while, then looked up at Grell, eyes sad.  
“You didn't like it. Was it not pleasing? Was I too rough? I...I'm sorry, Grell, I thought you would have liked it too...”  
He swallowed and Grell's eyes widened.  
“No! I mean, I liked it! A lot!”  
“Then why did you just leave without a word?”  
“I...I needed to think. About my father. What we did was quite...binding and my father never wanted me to do that. Don't misunderstand me, I usually don't think about him anymore, I got over it, but now I broke the last of his rules too...”  
“Oh, Grell...I thought I had hurt you too much.”  
“You didn't, it was perfect.”  
“Okay. So...your father forbid you to have...to share a bed with another person?”  
“No, he forbid me to bind myself to another person. I mean...we didn't marry, but usually people do this when they are married, so...”  
“And is this so bad?”  
“No...no, it's quite the opposite of it. I just needed to think about what it meant in relation to my father. I came to the conclusion that I...kind of cut the last string to him now.”  
Undertaker sighed, stroking Grell's cheeks.  
“Oh, dear...you are a little troublemaker, you know that?”  
“Mh...sorry...”  
“Do we want to go back?”  
“Yes...I'm sorry that I caused you trouble. I really enjoyed it.”

They walked back to the room, Undertaker sitting down on the bed and sighting lowly. Grell leaned into him, closing his eyes.  
“Can we do it again some time?”  
The ex-mortician chuckled lightly and kissed him, then looked into his green cat eyes.  
“If it was up to me, I would push you into the bed immediately.”  
“O-Oh, I don't think I can do this again already. I feel quite a bit...sore.”  
“That's no problem, love. Take as much time as you need. For now...you should go to your meeting with Dr. Spears or you'll come too late.”  
Grell jumped up, looking at the clock. He was already halfway through the door when he turned around again, kissed his Undie wildly and hurried out after it. Undertaker chuckled, shaking his head. It never got boring with this crazy little thing.

“How are you feeling to-”  
“We did it!”  
“Excuse me?”  
Dr. Spears pushed his glasses up again, frowning little.  
“We...we made love. Me and Undie”, Grell said with a small smile, playing with his fingers. The doctor smiled half-heartedly, looking like he could imagine better things than this.  
“Well...that's good. I hope he didn't talk you into it?”  
“No, I wanted it, I started it in the first place and he asked me if this really was okay for me, what it was. It was great.”  
“Yes? Good. The first intercourse influences later relationships a lot.”  
“Later...relationships? Oh, I'm not planning on having relationships with other men but Undertaker, I don't want any other one.”  
Will sighed, leaning back in his chair. He knew that Grell wouldn't appreciate the news he had to announce too much, so he decided to rather not tell him now.  
“I hope you talked about this already.”  
“We...we did. Somehow.”  
“Good. This is really important, Grell.”  
“Yeah, I know. Dr. Spears? Is there an answer from Eric already?”  
“I'm afraid not.”  
“Oh...well, I knew this could happen...maybe he threw the letter away. Or he doesn't remember Alan and fells guilty now, so he doesn't want to answer. It's a pity, though, I thought he should know it...but maybe I was wrong.”  
He sighed lowly and Dr. Spears hesitantly pet his shoulder.  
“Be patient, Grell. I'm sure he will answer.”


	32. Day 76

Day 74  
He did answer. Grell nearly yelled of joy when he came into Dr. Spears office and found the psychologist smiling and with a white envelope between his pointer and middle finger. He handed it to the redhead after he had sat down, watching him closely.  
“Oh my, he answered! Wow, I can't believe it! What does he write?”  
“I don't know, I didn't open it, it's your letter, not mine.”  
Grell smiled at him and turned the envelope around, keeping it in his hands for a while before opening it. In there was a white sheet of paper with just one sentence, written in a straight, neat handwriting.

There was not a single day when I didn't think about him.

He read the sentence a few times, new tears coming to his eyes. Eric had known his Alan. He had liked him and thought about him. The poor brunette would never be forgotten. He was so glad that he hugged Dr. Spears, who tensed, but let it happen.  
“Thank you, Will! Thank you for everything you did for me! Ronnie can be really glad to have you, you are a good person, you know that?”  
“Thank you. It seems like he wrote the eight thing then?”  
“Yes. He writes that there never has been a day where he didn't think about him. That means he remembers him! Alan wasn't like every other person, he meant something to him! This makes me really glad, even if Alan doesn't know it anymore, he was loved.”  
He smiled widely and Will had to do the same before looking at his notes again. He couldn't tell Grell that Eric had died two years ago, he just couldn't.  
Besides there was still the thing he had to tell the redhead, but...not now. Grell wouldn't be pleased at all and he didn't want to ruin his good mood. So he just asked the usual psychologist questions, having a stone in his guts.

When Grell came to the dining room, Undertaker was sitting with his back to him, as usual two plates on the table. The redhead bent down and shortly hugged him from behind before sitting down as well, right now too happy to care about other people's thoughts on that. Undertaker smiled at him, looking more worn out than usual, though, what caused Grell's face to fall a little.  
“What's wrong, Undie? You don't look good. Did Dr. Turner overdo it again?”  
“Yes, but that's not that bad, I'll sleep a little after lunch. But you look very happy, what's up?”  
“Eric answered me, look!”  
He placed the letter in front of his love, the smile returning to his face. Undertaker looked at the letter. He immediately recognised this handwriting from notes concerning the key for the 'dancing room' Will had left him, but didn't say anything. He just wanted his love to be happy, so he smiled and nodded.  
“That's really good. Now you can be allayed, mh?”  
“Yes. Yes, indeed. Now I know that Alan wasn't alone all the time, even if he didn't know."


	33. Day 76

Day 76  
Dr. Spears had a serious expression when Grell came in two days later. He knew that he would have to tell Grell now, it was for his own good after all, even if he was sure the redhead wouldn't appreciate it first.  
“Good morning, Grell. How are you?”  
“Fine. After having some fun in the morning...”  
He giggled and Will rolled his eyes, blushing a little.  
“That's...great. Anyway, I need to talk about something with you. So...you might have foreboded it already, you don't get medical treatment anymore for quite a time, and your state didn't get worse, you are feeling better than ever before. So...I can announce that you will get discharged very soon, probably even next week.”  
Grell's eyes widened. He had feared the day when this would happen. Shaking his head hardly, he answered back hastily.  
“No! No, no, no, I can't go! I need this place, I need my Undie, don't you understand this? I would get depressed again immediately and come back!”  
“Grell...think about the chances you would get. You could get a job, maybe as a cook, you could maybe fall in love with someone who could offer you a good future, who could care for you...”  
“No, damn it! I don't care what you think is best for me, I know that I wouldn't be happy without him!”  
“What does Undertaker say about this?”  
“...he wants me to leave.”  
“Okay. You see...you don't need to decide now. Talk with him, make a pro and contra list, take your time. But please, Grell, think about the future too, not only about now.”  
“I won't change my mind, Will. Neither you nor Undie can do something about that.”

He didn't say a word during lunch, Undertaker watching him the whole time.  
“Dear...what is wrong?”  
“Nothing.”  
“I know there's something, you are too silent. Are you not feeling well? Are you...hurt?”  
“No...no. We'll talk about it after lunch, okay?”  
“Okay.”  
He continued watching his love, though, eating nearly nothing. A silent Grell was never good.  
As soon as the redhead's plate was empty, he was taken by his arm and led back to their room. Undertaker sat down and pulled him into his lap, looking at him closely.   
“So...what's wrong now?”  
“Will said I would be discharged now.”  
“That's great!”  
“No...it's not. You know what I think about that. I don't want to go, I want to stay with you.”  
“You can't stay in this place forever just because of me! You deserve so much better, Grell. You are a good person, so you deserve a good life.”  
“I have with you!”  
“No, you haven't. You are like imprisoned here, you can't even choose what colour your tooth brush has! I love you with all my heart, I want you to live a happy, free life. And you could never experience that with me, as I won't get out.”  
“No! I'm a grown person, I can decide on my own! I want to stay here, no matter what.”  
“You will go and be happy without me.”  
“I said no! End of discussion!”  
“Grell, you are acting totally immature!”  
“And? I never had a real childhood, so I am allowed to act immature as much as I want! You are the first person to ever love me, I just want to stay with you, I have no one else! My only friends are Will and Alan, but one of them is here too and the other one is dead! You mean the world to me, I never want to be without you.”  
“Grell, damn it! You can find a better one than me!”  
“I don't want another one, why don't you understand that?!”  
“Do you think I want you to leave me? Damn, why do you make it even harder for me? I just want you to be happy, but it seems like I can't talk some reason into you. Come to me when you have calmed down and really thought this through.”  
He sighed and stood up, then walked out of the room, leaving a disappointed and hurt Grell. Why did no one understand him?  
He pulled his legs close, eyes getting wet. Did Undertaker want to get rid of him? No. He wanted what was best. But he didn't know what was best, damn it! He just wanted to be with the only one who loved him and with no one else. How could any other man ever understand how he felt? None of them had known him in the time when he was all alone and nearly no other man would have done so much to make him feel better. No, his Undie was the only one who know how he had felt, who know what it meant to live in an asylum.  
He bit his lips. What if Undertaker would break up so he had no reason to stay anymore? He sniffed, hugging himself tighter. He didn't want this to happen, then leaving would be better. He could still visit Undie, after all. Still, he had to stay here, this was what he wanted. And didn't weight his opinion on it heavier than everything else? Undertaker wanted him to stay too, after all, he just loved him too much to be selfish. But if he stayed, he would make his love happy.  
And maybe Undie would return every second...  
He heard a loud sound and looked up. It had started to rain and thunder was roaring, fitting his mood.

Grell woke up in the middle of the night, hoping that Undertaker had cuddled up to him when he was already asleep, but the place next to him was empty. He sighed and stood up, running a hand through his hair. Should he go to Undertaker? He wanted to be in his arms, otherwise he couldn't sleep peacefully and they could tell about everything without yelling at each other. And if Grell would leave and just come to visit his love, this would be better than never taking with him again, right? He sighed again and wanted to open the door, but pulled his hand back immediately. The door knob was hot. Cursing lowly, he took his comforter and opened the door with it.   
Fire.  
Light orange flames were licking on the wallpaper and the former grey PVC of the ground and burned a chest of drawers in the hallway to ashes. Dark smoke was coming from the fire and creeping into his lungs, causing him to cough and hold a sleeve over his mouth. What had happened here? There was just one thing he knew, he had to find Undie and then get out of here as soon as possible.  
Coughing again, he ran down the hallway, trying to not let his slippers catch fire as well, just to find the next hallway burning as well. He breathed as flat as possible, but his lungs burned nonetheless and he felt dizzy. Stupid smoke.   
Grell slowly made it's way up the stairs, knowing that this was stupid, as the fire would reach him there, but he had to get to Undie. He ran down some more hallways, having no idea where he was. The smoke got worse, he could barely see anything now. He supported himself on the parts of the wall that were not burning and used the wall as a guide so he wouldn't fall. Besides it was the safest place if the ground would break...  
Still pressing his sleeve against his mouth, he slowly walked, nearly crept, forward, hoping to find Undertaker's room. Someone screamed. Swallowing, he looked around, desperately trying to see anything, but this only caused his eyes to burn and tear.  
Suddenly he saw a form standing in the smoke, holding onto the wall as well. Grell blinked a few times and walked to the person as fast as possible. In that moment, the person stood straight and looked at him.  
“Will!”  
“Grell! Damn, what are you doing here why aren't you with Undertaker?!”  
He coughed loudly. His eyes were red and widened to see something in the half light.  
“We...we had a fight and...I can't find his room...oh, Will...”  
“You are at the wrong side of the building! Grell, listen. Go down this hallway, then left, again left and follow this hallway to the end. But hurry. And if he's not there or the fire prevents you from going forward, then jump through the window. You here me?”  
“Y-Yes. But what about you?”  
“I need to find Ronald...now hurry! And when you find him – run. This is your chance to live a free life together. Take it!”  
Grell nodded and followed Will's instructions to the point where he nearly reached the right hallway. He couldn't see anything anymore, his eyes were too teary from the constant smoke. His lungs felt like they would explode every second while his vision blurred more and more. If he just laid down for some seconds...  
He clenched his teeth, knowing that if he laid down now, he would be never able to stand up again. Grabbing his surgical mask more firmly, he kept on walking, slowly, but steadily. He had to find his love, no matter what.   
Finally he reached the hallway Will had meant. The former light blue colour of the walls had faded completely, now flames were holding the wallpapers in their firm grip, slowly colouring it black. He would have never recognised the hallway, but he trusted Will that he was right here.   
The redhead slowly stumbled to the door at the end of the hallway. Or what was left of it. The fire had showed his full power here and transformed the strong wooden door into charcoal. Some blaze was still glowing.  
His knees got weaker at the sight. Undie...  
He fell down on the ground, coughing more and more while at the same time he felt the darkness wrapping him him slowly.  
“I'm sorry, Undie”, he whispered, his voice hoarse, before he lost consciousness.

Someone was holding him. He could feel strong arms around the small of his body that pressed him against a firm chest. Grell's eyes fluttered ope, and he smiled lightly, expecting to see his Undie carrying him. But as his vision got clearer, he noticed that this man wasn't the ex-mortician. Not at all. He was smaller, still tall, though, and heavier and...  
“Oh, it awoke. Yes, I can see it too. What a great fortune, would have been a pity. Yes, such a pretty doll shouldn't get broken. No, it shouldn't. It's good that we found it.”  
Grell's eyes widened and he started to shuffle as he noticed the man. Luther Garland. But the taller one just hold him firmer.  
“No, no, it shall not fall down. Yes, we just saved it. What will we do now? It's not save here. I have an idea. Idea? Sounds good.”  
Luther carried the redhead through the fire, protecting him with his giant body and obviously not caring that he wore a simple white t-shirt, so his arms were burnt.  
Grell bit his lip, not trusting this man at all. On the other hand...could everything he could ever do to him be worse than being burnt alive?  
Suddenly the man stopped.  
“Here. Look what we found. It belongs to you, doesn't it? You should keep better care of it, it nearly broke.”  
“Grell??”, a familiar voice said.  
The redhead opened his eyes again. Undie. He cawed something that sounded like “Nndeee” and got a big smile in return.  
“Thank you, Luther. Thank you so much. Both of you.”  
He took Grell into his own arms and held him close, not caring that he felt weak and worn-out as well.  
“No problem. Yes, we did it gladly. Keep care of it.”  
The strange man showed them a small smile that made him look even creepier, before he turned around and walked straight into the fire, disappearing in the smoke.  
The ex-mortician allowed himself one second to bury his face in the crook of the redhead's neck, to smell his scent that was nearly fully covered by the scent of smoke and to be glad that the person he loved so much was safe and in his arms. Hurt, but alive.  
Then he hurried down the hallway and to the stairs, not loosing orientation like Grell did before. The third stair he stepped on broke under his weight, but he jumped off it quickly and ran down the rest of the stairs until he had reached the ground floor.   
Looking around, he saw a glowing green sign at one of the walls. Exit.  
But before he could get out, he needed to get something. He quickly paced to the lockers behind the counter, glad that the fire had spared this part of the building, and grabbed the little case he had in his own one.  
Undertaker ran outside as quickly as possible with Grell in his arms, only stopping when he had reached a big distance to the burning asylum.  
He gently let his love down in the slightly wet grass and stroked his cheek before looking at the building again. The orange flames had captured the whole building by now, eating it up fully, and the first pasts were collapsing already. He shook his head lowly. He would certainly not miss this place, no. This was his opportunity to live a happy life with Grell and he would take it without hesitation.  
The redhead sighed lowly, opening his eyes again. When he spoke, he still sounded like...well, like someone who had breathed in a lot of smoke.  
“Where are we?”  
“Outside. Don't worry, dear, now you are safe.”  
“What about the others? Will? Luther?”  
“I don't know.”  
“They...they saved me. Will told me where to find you and Luther...he...I always was afraid of him, but he was such a good person...”  
“He was and I'm unbelievable thankful that he found you and brought me to you.”  
“I...I saw your burnt door. I thought...”  
“No. I awoke because of the smell and tried to find you, but you weren't in your room anymore...”  
“Oh God...all three of you saved me. How can I ever thank you?”  
“I don't think now is the time to debate that. Can you walk? We need to get away from here, the police and firefighters will arrive soon.”  
“I...I think so.”  
“Good. We'll take one of the cars from the staff.”  
He stood up again and took Grell's hand, his case in the other one, then walked to the big car park next to the asylum. The cars were visible due to the light from the fire. The redhead looked around, then pulled Undertaker to a black roadster. The numberplate said MA WS 1948. Will's car.  
“Can we take this one?”  
“Sure.”  
The ex-mortician carefully beat a small hole into the right window, then opened the door. He did some things under the wheel Grell didn't understand and a second later the engine turned on. The redhead's eyes widened, but he certainly didn't mind that and sat down on the front passenger seat taking the strange case into his lap.  
Undertaker sat down as well, turned around to the burning building one last time and nearly kicked the accelerator.


End file.
